the thin line between optimism and delusion... » Colorado

This Time Last Year -

charlsiekate — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 10:42:12 +0000

I was in Grand Lake. Having a blast. They knew the lodge was closing and we all went out there for a farewell reunion. I spent one absolutely perfect summer in Grand Lake.

The lodge is on Sothesby’s. Check it out. They say it is under contract. I hope so. I hate the idea of it standing empty and alone another beautiful summer day.

Then, if you have time – go take a virtual hike.

Old Friends and New Snow

charlsiekate — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 16:39:24 +0000

Yesterday morning I was knee deep in snow, with a big sweeper broom trying to get all the snow off our sweet rental car before we could scrap the windshield. Let’s just say I don’t have a lot of experience with digging a car out of a foot of snow. Libby and I were in Steamboat Colorado playing in the Champagne powder!

Today during lunch I changed out of my suit and put on a tshirt and shorts and took a nap in my parents front porch swing. And I got so hot I woke up. The wood bees were bzzzzzzzing around creating little shadows and the fragrance of rosemary and tea olive wafted around in the warm breeze. And it was very hard to remember this –

or this –

But I want to remember because we had such an amazing time. Our colorado friends looked after us so well and it dumped snow the whole time we were there. Friday night it snowed 13 inches, another 6 inches on saturday, 6 inches saturday night, I have no idea how much on sunday but it dumped all day, and a foot sunday night. Libby and I almost died driving back to denver. It just wouldn’t stop snowing! I’m so sore. I slipped on some ice a few times over the course of the weekend and I was in a mild altercation with an aspen tree. I told the aspen tree I’d be back with a chain saw if it ever jumped out in front of me like that again. And then I gave it’s friend a hug to let it know I was in a forgiving mood (since they are all connected, I figured the one I assaulted with death threats would know I had moved on) –

Libby gave out some aspen love too –

I look good in blue. Libby looks good in raspberry.

Colorado, we love you, and all your mountains and snow. And the warm hot springs, naked people and all. But we especially love the people and beer. It was snowing outside, but it was pitchers of sunshine inside the bar.

Perfect

charlsiekate — Fri, 01 Sep 2006 11:15:43 +0000

See Y’all Soon.

Time will do the talking

charlsiekate — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 14:10:48 +0000

Yesterday was my last day of school, ever. I don’t really know what to think about that. I have been taking classes on north campus for the past seven years. I don’t know anything else. Otis says it won’t sink in until august. I think he is right.

I feel like it is the weekend. It isn’t.

I’m in the annex. I like the annex. I don’t actually like to study – but I love the annex. Books make me feel comfortable. And I like the annex during finals. With no classes, it is very calm.

Law students are weird – but they are my kind of weird.

Last night was tons of fun. Betsy and I decided that we won. And we don’t care if you disagree. Faris gave me a ride home, cause she loves me.

I was looking at some pictures on the facebook of colorado and grand lake. It made me really colorado sick. Really colorado sick. I haven’t been to colorado since august. It is partially the people, and partially the mountains, and partially the sunshine, and partially my own idealistic craziness. Mostly the mountains and the sunshine. I need a lot of sunshine and the mountains make me feel safe. Except ledges. I’m secretly terribly frightened of ledges. Which is a bit of a stumbling block when it comes to my skiing ability. As long as I just go ahead and ski off the ledge and don’t think about it – I’m okay. But as soon as I look over the ledge, it is over. I guess that is sort of like life. Ledges make me feel weird. Like, if I’m really scared of them – what possesses me to get close to them, much less ski off them?

Christy and I went to bojangles this morning. It was excellent. EXCELLENT.

I need to figure out what I am going to do with my life. Something in me is really happy I’m not committed to anything yet. And part of me is a little panicked.

I won’t think about that today, I’ll think about that tomorrow.

Steamboat friends

charlsiekate — Sun, 03 Apr 2005 21:41:50 +0000

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Deep thoughts for a warm Monday in February

charlsiekate — Mon, 07 Feb 2005 16:56:50 +0000

I got back from Colorado late last night. I met Libby in Denver and we spent the week in Steamboat. We went skiing, but the real reason for the trip was to visit friends. Libby and I both worked at The Grand Lake Lodge for a summer, and it was amazing. She and I were not there for the same summer, I was at the Lodge in 2002, and she was there in 2003. Well, there are lodgelings (people who worked at the lodge, obviously) all over the world, but there are lots in Colorado and we had ourselves quite a reunion this weekend. Ruthie, Kathleen, Caroline, Zack, Steve, Andy, Alli, Jarred, Mark, and maybe a few others, my brain isn’t working this morning.

Every time I return from Colorado I have to bounce back. I feel unstable right now, I want stability in my life and going to Colorado does not provide that stability. I love going to Colorado, but it makes me discontented with my real life to a certain degree.

I want to be stable. But what does stability mean? I don’t want to be someone that is unaffected by the world around her, I don’t want to be someone who isn’t capable of being hurt or vulnerable, but at the same time I don’t want the world to be able to throw me into a funk and leave me damaged, dwelling on my mistakes and my shortcomings.

I guess my question is this, Does being stable mean that you are able to get hurt and recover, to bounce back, or does it mean more than that? Because lately I feel like I am able to not think about things that could possibility hurt my feelings, but normally it is because I am able to distract myself with something else. Right now I have enough going on that I am able to not dwell on the things that I would normally dwell on, but I don’t know how healthy relying on distractions can possibly be. I know that it has a lot to do with my age, and where I am in life, etc, etc. I think I would just like to think that I am growing up through these things, that I am learning how to deal with the real world.

This idea is expressed in a timely email from a friend, who describes this problem better than me:
"I feel like life is only about bouncing back, about putting yourself out there (be it by way of a move to a far-away city or with another person) and seeing how you respond when things get bad. It’s like I’m constantly asking myself "How strong am I really?" What kind of things to I NEED for support? How can I keep myself in a state of satisfaction? Why am I finding it so difficult to just BE? And why do I always want to run away?"

Running away is an insanely strong impulse.

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I love Colorado!!

charlsiekate — Thu, 03 Feb 2005 17:17:38 +0000

The title to this post isn’t very intelligent, but I just wanted to let y’all know that I am steamboat springs with friends until Sunday, drinking sunshine wheat beer and coors light and eating hamburgers and pizza, and skiing. I miss you all and love you!

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The Perfect Summer

charlsiekate — Wed, 19 Jan 2005 01:18:37 +0000

I stayed out too late. I got up too earlier. I drank a lot of scalding hot black coffee and cold clear beer. I took freezing cold showers. I took very hot showers. I took the LSAT in Boulder on a monday afternoon. I took a lot of pictures. I watched it snow in late May.

I drove more than a couple of thousand miles that summer. I hiked close to a hundred miles over many hours. God taught me how to walk and at the same time be still. He taught me how to be quiet and enjoy the scenery. I ate a lot of peanut butter toast, snickers bars, and hot tamales. I went on the perfect date. I stood on top of a mountain I had climbed and surveyed the world from the top. Then I did a handstand on that mountain. I drank a lot of water. I read a few choice books. I danced the night away. I watched falling stars with people I cared about a great deal. I learned how to manually score a game of bowling. I sat at the bar and discussed life for many hours with older, wiser people than myself. I watched friends struggle with themselves. I learned how to work a credit card machine. I watched a lot of people get married. I listened to music that filled my soul and haunts me to this day (and will probably haunt me forever). I missed my home.

Every day of that summer I looked up into the sky and was arrested by the blue, blue, blueness and thought about how I was the luckiest person in the world. I wore my red shoes every day. The sun was fierce, the shade was chilly, the thunderstorms were full of hail, but there was never enough rain to stop the fires. The smoke blew in and turned the moon to blood. There were no fireworks on the fourth of july that year. I learned what it really meant to fear the flame. I learned a lot about a lot of things that summer.

I learned who I was, in a place where no one knew me before I got there.

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Dreams of the Rockies…..

charlsiekate — Thu, 14 Oct 2004 01:01:13 +0000

I have been watching the new WB show, the Mountain. I like the show, it is the typical WB style, nothing out of the ordinary. But what kills me about the show is that it makes me think about Colorado. And I love Colorado. I would compare my feelings of Colorado to that of an ex-boyfriend that I am not over and probably never will be over. I only lived in Colorado for three months, and I don’t have an ex-boyfriend out there, but it is the only way to express the feelings I have for the place.

This is the kind of ex I am talking about. The one that never REALLY hurt you, and at times made you exceptionally happy, but the one that you always kind of knew was not permanent, for whatever reason. It is the kind of ex that you like to dream about, what if it had – or could have – been permanent? You wonder what they are doing now. You might even get in touch with them and go visit them. Or randomly run into them. And while you are with them, everything is perfect. You are someone different while they are present. But not different in a bad way – just different. More Alive. And seeing them is exhilarating. But something brings you back to your current life – something. It is different for everyone. And even though you have these feelings, they are not strong enough to pull you away from where you are now. It is in the past. Something about the lack of reality, either in the situation, or in the intensity, or in the other person, detaches you in the midst of the rush.

This is how I feel about Colorado. This is how the mountains make me feel. They make me take a deeper breath. Some of my most favorite people in the world live in Colorado. And some I just met there. I lived there in the summer. But I have had a few very intense winter experiences – enough to envision myself there in the winter. And the high points are so very high. I can think of no other place where I would enjoy more sheer pleasure and delight in the world. Just the sky makes me dizzy – but different than the sky in Greece.

It is not enough. Somehow I think I would be lonely in Colorado. I know I would be cold. For some reason I am very afraid of missing something here. Which is totally stupid, but it is still something I can’t shake. What am I looking for here? I don’t know. What would I be looking for there that would be so different? There is a lack of reality in Colorado that I think might wear me out. Is it the fear of running away from reality that scares me? See, here I am trying to justify why I should get back together with my ex. I adore Colorado – but I am confident that it is not right for me right now. Just the way I feel about certain people.

I’m telling you, getting emotionally attached to places is just as dangerous as getting emotionally attached to people. Because – for the most part – you can’t change them, you just have to love them the way they are. I have an amazing painting of a mountain I love above my bed, it is an icon that represents more than I can express here. Being content is a virtue, a lesson to learn.

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