the thin line between optimism and delusion…

Last night found Christy and myself in a small room in the law school hyper-ventilating. Well, this is an exaggeration. We are actually eating Gyro Wrap. But we should have been hyper-ventilating. We were coming to the conclusion that we did not know enough con law and did not really have it in us to learn. But we gave a damn good effort. We also did a couple of other things.

Things Christy and I did while studying:
1. Called Kipp to make sure he was still alive. Although he ignored our phone calls, he is, in fact, alive.
2. Slid down the banister in the foyer of the law school (I personally think that sliding down banisters is a little scary, it is especially scary to watch other people slid down them, plus it is never as much fun as the movies make it out to be. But, still fun).
3. Complained about how cold it was (inside and out).
4. Entertained Kiran with acrobatic feats – handstands, etc. in the law school foyer (btw – christy is very flexible and has a good handstand, but I can stand on my hands for minutes at a time).
5. Argued about which fast food place is the best – while compulsively checking our friends livejournals to see if they had anything new to say.
6. Christy lost her shoes.
7. I talked to Libby on the phone – and one of her friends from NJ who wanted to hear “what a real southern accent sounds like.” I’m not confident I actually qualify for this, but he seemed satisfied.
8. FINALLY figured out what the Dormant Commerce Clause was talking about – hint – it has to do with the states regulating commerce (hmmm….).
9. Listened to everyone’s cell phone conversations who stood outside our room. Used reasoning powers obtained in law school to conclude that law students are boring.
10. Burst into tears when attempt to fit 4000 legible words onto three pages failed (3,787 was the final tally – font: 9).
11. Recovered from tears and realized inclination to be overly dramatic much stronger than inclination to have actual breakdown. also don’t want to smug crisply printed out page of 3,787 desperately important words with tears.
12. Discussed how we couldn’t do this for the rest of our lives and promised ourselves that if our job was anything like this in the future we would drive off a cliff together (thema and louise style).

Professor Coenen just stopped to talk to me in the library and said that I looked very studious. I told him I was writing in my blog. He said I needed to get back to work. I told him I just finished a final. In other words – back off. Or – appearances are deceiving.

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Sarah used to always clean our apartment from top to bottom during finals. Christy told me yesterday that she watched a basketball game on tv the other night. Yesterday I went to a spinning class. I have been to spinning classes before – but I have never been to two spinning classes in the same month, maybe not even in the same year – because it hurts. This might have something to do with the fact that the people in my life (Daddy, Jessica, and Betsy) that spin like to take the advanced classes and I would never go on my own accord. I should know better.

Now, I don’t hate spinning. It can be kinda fun, if the instructor has good music (as he did last night). But I don’t really like spinning. What I do hate is how I feel the day after I spin. I feel like I have been hit by a car while riding a bike. I also don’t like to spin for the whole hour. I think it gets kinda boring – and my calves start to cramp up. Maybe if I spun (is this right? maybe did spinning?) more often, I wouldn’t cramp as badly. But somehow I doubt it. I always cramp. Part of this is that I don’t know how to take it easy when I haven’t done something in a while. I know I CAN handle it. Whether or not handling it is a good idea is a whole ‘nother story.

Halfway through the class I had to get off the bike and go walk on a treadmill to get my calf back in order. I could have handled to calf cramp if my shin muscle hadn’t decided to cramp at the same time. While walking on the treadmill it was all I could do to talk myself into going back to the class. I really didn’t want to. My whole body felt like rubber. But, being ridiculously prideful, I did. Which is why I can’t walk today.

After class, I stopped to ask the instructor what I should do about my leg cramping. First he hesitated, then he told me that I looked like a muscular person – and asked if I minded that he said that – apparently some women are highly offended by this (hopefully not women that hang out in gyms). Once I assured him that I accepted this fact years ago – he then told me that because I was muscular and because I appeared to have little body fat – I would be prone to cramps. Now, normally I would be happy for someone to tell me I have little body fat. But I always lose a lot of weight during exams and this time has been an extreme. I only did the spinning class for a stress release, not to lose weight. And I don’t like the drastic weight loss during finals, it just seems so unhealthy. It bothers me that my mental stress can cause my body to react in such a negative way. Oh well, I guess I will just have to start eating more snickers. (poor me).

After class I went to Publix and bought a bunch of groceries to make me feel better about taking positive steps to eat enough. I had the most pleasant experience in Publix, everyone was really nice – it was refreshing.

p.s. LOST was so scary last night!!!!! I love this show, really, really, really love it.

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As much as I hate exams, I love the library during exams. Everyone is a little on edge, but at the same time looking for a laugh or a break or a happy thought. I know it will get worse once exams really get going, but right now I like it. It is nice to have everyone here and to not have class. I am definitely glad to be back in the library as opposed to studying by myself. Now, this probably means I am going to fail con law, but hey. I love that my friends know how I get distracted and make me go back to my work. It is encouraging that they care.

What I dislike is how all the librarians seem to be unaware that we have anything to do (even thought I might act like I don’t have anything to do). I’m in the annex, and there are some offices in the annex, but normally it is quiet. For some reason today (of all days) the people that work in these offices feel the need to stand outside their doors and yell at each other and disrupt the otherwise enveloping silence. it also seems to be orientation day for new librarians, because they keep coming in and showing people around and talking loudly about how they know they will “fit right in.” They won’t fit in if I throw them over the balcony.

I find the turning of pages and the clicking of keyboards and the opening and closing of doors and binders and the zipping and unzipping of bags and the fzzzzz of a coke can being opened and the clicking of keys comforting – it keeps it from being too quiet. But when the librarians breeze through with an obvious oblivion to the rest of us, I get a little edgy. When was the last time you felt the need to yell at the librarian to shut up? Isn’t that their job? I’m thinking about throwing the big black’s law dictionary at them. But I don’t think my aim is anything special today.

Now, I do understand that the computer people have a right to be a little more noisy right now than normally, because exams are their busy time. But they aren’t really the problem. It is the librarians. I know the difference. I come here often.

But really, I am having a wonderful day. I love my friends here. As jennifer said to me once, “Well, even if this isn’t what you want to do, I’m glad that you have found your people.”

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I have been studying in Augusta, at my dad’s office. The good thing about my dad’s office is that there is no wireless internet. The bad thing about my dad’s office is that the wireless internet makes me happy. When I got home tonight, I ate dinner with my family. My brother said I seemed depressed. I told him to back off because this wasn’t the week to pick on me.

So I came up the stairs and took a bath. I tried to read Coenen’s book – The Commerce Clause while in the tub. And all I could think about was how it was so cold in our house. So I didn’t wash my hair, wet hair was not something I was prepared to endure.

I warmed up a little after I put on my flannel pajamas. My laptop wanted me to spend some quality time with it. All day I have been unable to turn off the part of my mind that makes me crazy. I have been distracted to the point to distraction. I think this is natural when you are trying to study. But today was particularly bad.

I decided to read some of the blogs I enjoy, I thought they might cheer me up. I love this entry from second person, singular. It made me happy. And I like what scoplaw has to say about his friends in law school and “particular ‘spots in time.” Ever since I found Jeremy last year when I was trying to learn the federal rules of civil procedure (he has a song for them), I have enjoyed his sense of humor.

Then I realized that maybe part of the reason that studying brought me so down today was that I sat in a room for 8 hours and didn’t have any of the much needed distractions that I am usually afforded via the wireless internet. Suddenly I was aware of the fact that I haven’t updated this in a while. I also haven’t run in about a week.

I have always been aware of running being a serious release for me. But I am only recently becoming to realizing that writing is also an important release. Look at that, I feel better already.

p.s. allison krauss just released a new cd with union station. I just got it, but I am pumped.

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I had a good long cry last night. Actually, I sobbed. And I didn’t even watch the whole movie. By the time I turned it on, we were already losing the war (but I did get to see the Christmas party when they are still wearing hoops and dancing). I don’t care what people have to say about the civil war – arguments about what it was fought about, etc – watching Atlanta burn absolutely tears me to pieces. And when you see twelve oaks charred remains – it breaks my heart. When Scarlett gets back to Tara and all she wants is to see her mother – but her mother has died hours before! And when Bonnie dies – at that point it gets really depressing for me and have to change the channel – it it just too tragic. And although Scarlett has her flaws – her biggest flaw is that she sees things in black and white. Ashley is perfect – Rhett is not. When really, Rhett is a much more likeable character in my opinion. It is just a heartbreaking movie – but I love it. I might have watched it again today (it is on tv right now) – but I have some work to do. Also, not in the mood for another sob session.

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I am going home today for thanksgiving! It is so exciting! But I am having a hard time getting going today. I haven’t been sleeping that well lately and I have been struggling in the morning. Struggling with ridiculous questions that have no real consequences. Like what I should eat for lunch. Or whether or not I should blow dry my hair. Or whether I should answer the phone when I don’t know the phone number(most of the time I don’t).

Yesterday I was severely dyslexic. I’m not dyslexic in the original sense, but I have dyslexic tendencies. It took me about ten minutes to open my locker because I couldn’t remember the order. I knew the numbers, just not the order. Intensely frustrating.

I think this is all a result of the impending stress of finals. When I get stressed, the little things in my life get a lot harder. Maybe it is the lack of sleep that starts to make me stupid. I lose things. Actually, I lose a lot of things. I almost lost my favorite water bottle yesterday. I left it in the main library 7-11 (the little food store). But it was recovered – mostly because I was eating and didn’t have anything to drink (luckily!).

Maybe I should start carrying around a stapler and start stapling things I might lose to my clothes. But I guess it would hard to drink out of my water bottle if it was stapled to me.

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I heard something very disturbing on the radio this morning.  It consisted of a conversation between a women with a think eastern european accent and a man.  It went something like this:
W – If you were a car, what kind of car would you be?
M – fast and powerful and big (or something to that effect)
W – If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be?
M – I’d be a fox, tricky and slippery
W – If you were a building, what kind of building would you be?(this is when I switched stations, but quickly switched back, I was hoping it was an Ax commercial, and I think those are hilarious)
M – Tall and sleek and imposing
W – If you were a fragrance, Donald, what kind of fragrance would you be? (I was holding my breath for the answer to this one).
M – I would smell like success and power and success and power and….success(and power).
W – And what would that smell like?
M – It would smell like me – Donald Trump – come closer to me and take a whiff – any man who wears my fragrance will be able to have any women he wants and make millions of dollars(okay, so I made up the millions of dollars part, but I swear it said have any women he wants and it did say come closer and see for yourself). 

At this point in the dialog I was waiting for the morning show people to crack up and start laughing and for it to all be a stupid joke.  It was truly one of the most absurd commercials I have heard in a long time – it also lasted about three minutes. But instead of that, the commercial continued on to tell me if I was a man to buy the fragrance and if I was a woman to buy the fragrance for all the men in my life – and that it was a Macy’s – Riches exclusive.  And for everyone who has always wanted to smell like ole Donald – here is where you can order it online for the bargin price of $60.  I like the description: “The uncompromising men’s fragrance. Persuasive, commanding, determined. A passion for power. Inspired by the man who demands the best – and achieves it.”  I mean seriously – isn’t that what every women is looking for, an uncompromising, commanding, manipulating (that is what I get out of persuasive) man with a passion for power and a comb over?  Somehow I doubt this is every girl’s dream, maybe more a nightmare. 

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Don’t let the weather fool you, it is actually the end of November. It is beautiful outside, probably about 65-70 degrees with a warm breeze (which makes all the difference) and a high humidity.

But somehow the trees finally got the message that winter was approaching – and now the leaves have changed and it is easier to believe that the semester is almost over. I’m not complaining about the weather, I like it warm and humid, but I did become a little distressed when I saw some azaleas blooming on north campus the other day. In Augusta, this would trigger a city wide alarm. When I first moved to Athens I didn’t understand why no one else was paying attention to the time frame of the flowers. No one wanted to talk to me about how the Japanese Magnolias seemed to be blooming a bit early and that this could be disastrous to the timing of the dogwoods and the azaleas. Turns out it only matters in a place that has succeeded in tricking the world into believing that there is no where prettier by inviting everyone to town the one week of the year that ever flower in the city explodes.

Okay, lots of productivity to be done today. I was reading my journal from this summer and I have decided that I was much more interesting then than I am now. I apologize, but from here on out until Christmas it is probably going to be downhill for the interesting things happening in my life. Unless of course you really love vending machines (like I do) and printers and highlighters and flashcards.

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Well, yesterday was not a fun day. But luckily it is over. I haven’t ever written about this, but now seems like a good time.

A few years ago a couple of FBI agents showed up at my dad’s office and wanted information about some work my dad had done for an accounting firm about five years prior. The accounting firm was being investigated for Medicare fraud. They wanted my dad to give them dirt about this firm and interrogated him for about 4 hours. The problem was, my dad didn’t know anything. So after cooperating with the FBI for about 2 years, they indicted my dad for obstruction of justice. My dad is an attorney. Basically, to make a long story short, at every step my dad thought that it couldn’t get any worse, but it did. When they offered plea agreements to the men from the accounting firm – keep in mind, men that had been lying to the government for years – the agreement allowed for a lighter conviction for the more people they would say “knew” what was going on, and my dad got indicted on a couple of other counts. Since he was already in the pleadings with the obstruction of justice count, this was easy. In the end my dad was bullied into a plea agreement – after five years of this he felt like he just needed to move on with his life. He plead to obstruction of a federal audit – which in his case (from what I understand) means that he saw (not produced or changed) documents that contained fraudulent information and he should have known about. Not that he did know, that he should have known. It is all much more complicated than this, but you get the idea.

I have very negative feelings about the FBI. Regardless, my dad has never lied to me and he says that if he had to do it all over again he doesn’t know what he could have done differently, short of never having worked for this accounting firm. Obviously I am a little bias, but I believe him. It is very scary the power that the FBI has at its own discretion with no checks.

So yesterday was the sentencing. The US attorneys were out for blood. Part of the agreement was that the prosecution was not going to make a recommendation to the judge. But you know what, he did anyway. He stated that they would be upset if my dad didn’t go to jail. And, up until that point, I don’t think I ever realized how serious this all was. I was sweating. And the judge started talking about how because he is an attorney he should be held to a higher standard and that attorneys take an oath that other people don’t. It really wasn’t looking good.

Then the judge started talking about how he had total discretion in the sentence. He said that in all the years that he had been a judge, he had never had a defendant with such a record of service to the community as my dad. He said he had never had a defendant who had such support from his family, friends, and community. He said he was impressed by the immense regard that everyone expressed for my dad (we (lots of people) wrote letters to the judge and some of my dad’s friends spoke on his behalf). He said that although he did believe that attorneys should be punished more severely, he said that he thought my dad had already been severely punished.

In the end, my dad got probation and community service along with a ridiculous fine. As I watched him write the check, I thought of the small islands I could buy. But I also thought of how it could be going to a rehab center for one of us or to something even worse. I am just happy that it is over and the uncertainty is no longer hanging over our heads. But geeze, it was scary there for a moment.

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I am nervous. Tomorrow is such a huge day. I know that we can do it, the question is whether we will do it or not. I have been thinking about the Georgia – Auburn (please click on this link!) game all season. Jessica and I were going to make t-shirts that listed the things we would rather have happen before we see Auburn win a national championship – and the list included things like: Alabama’s football team getting the death sentence and Sanford Stadium crumbling to the ground. This is one of those games where we both have everything to lose. I love the SEC. It is so exciting. Here are some of my favorite quotes from espn.com today – some of them pertain to the game tomorrow, and some are just interesting and scary all at the same time!

This one gives me chills just reading it – From Ivan –

Georgia at Auburn
The best time of the college football season comes about 30 seconds before kickoff of a late-season, intra-conference, top-five, archrival game at a loud stadium. The kickoff and return teams are in position, hopping up and down, the home players are waving for noise, the sideline TV official won’t get out of the way, and if you don’t have butterflies, you don’t have a pulse.

The chance to decide Auburn’s success – I love it – From Geno –

At stake are Auburn’s chances of an undefeated record and a run at a BCS Championship. Several Tiger players told me earlier in the week that a loss against Georgia would render the Auburn season a failure. ………Georgia is easily the best team Auburn has, or will, face during the regular season. The Bulldogs aren’t intimidated by opponents or road trips.

Also from Geno –

Nervous OU is wearing a, “Hunker Down You Hairy Dawgs” T-shirt this week.

This is unrelated to the game this week, but very important otherwise.  I am worried about Spurrier – I hate him – and the rumors of him going to Carolina (South that is) scare me.  But I love the thought that Spurrier’s move to Carolina should scare Florida – From Geno –

God help Machen (UF’s president) if Holtz resigns and South Carolina athletics director Mike McGee decides to make a run at a certain unemployed Ballcoach.

Florida at South Carolina.

Oh the drama.  I love it.  It would be worth having Spurrier back in the SEC if he had a personal vendetta against Florida.  Almost brings a tear to my eyes. 

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