the thin line between optimism and delusion…

this is my first attempt at this blog, I have been writing on another blog for a while, and I’m branching out. I am interested in how other blogging tools work, and this is part of my education. I like livejournal, but the only thing I don’t like about it is that finding random blogs to read is difficult. I like this template, the text toolbar and everything. We will see. I am tired, I think I am going to go to sleep.

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So I have been on campus since around noon (I skipped my first class this morning), and I have gotten nothing done. It is starting to occur to me that I don’t have anything else to do besides school. I don’t really have many friends here that aren’t in law school, and if they aren’t in law school they have jobs. So during the day all my friends are at the law library. And I had a great plan to do my work for monday, today. But guess how much I have gotten done? Nothing. And instead of doing it now, I am writing this post. I don’t really know what to do with myself these days. I could clean up my room, but I don’t want to do that. Okay, I am going to go read for workers comp, because otherwise I am goign to regret it. miss you if I don’t see you. Kisses.

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Known Future:

THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT THE FUTURE
It doesn’t have to look any particular way, but around here, if it doesn’t, a lot of people will never speak to you again.

it has been a while since I gave a storypeople story of the day, and I thought this one was very appropriate to law school.

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Although the last post concentrated on a small group of my law school family, I do want everyone to know that I really love all of my other friends in law school as well. Like I said last night, law school is really hard, and it is very bad on your self esteem. I learned two things last year, rejection and patience. But I was very happy last year. The one true thing I can say is that I prefer to be at the bottom of my class and have friends that I care about and who like me, than to be at the top of my class and be lonely. I will always drop studying to talk to a friend about something important because I care more about my friends than I do about school. Now, if this is truly the case, it is logically that I should be better at being a friend than I am at law school. And since it won’t take me being a very good friend to have me be better at friendship than law school, then my allocation of resources is working. I do enjoy the people in law school and I am looking forward to this year.

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Okay, sorry for my last post, I am feeling much better today. I woke up this morning and hit the snooze button a bunch of times and really tried my hardest to be late to class, but wasn’t. I went to my first class unprepared and paid attention the whole time for the most part and actually learned some stuff in trust and estates. I think I am going to enjoy the class a great deal, I really like the material. Then, instead of reading for the class I am in right now, Environmental law, I went with Cristina and Allison and got a pedicure. This was very important because it gave me the chance to catch up with two of my law school bitches. I refer to them as such in a very endearing way, my bitches consist of the section Z girls that I spent a great deal of time with last year and love very deeply. They are Cristina, Elizabeth, Cybil, Allison, and Christy. I need these girls and we talk about things and discuss life and all have something to add. I think this group of girls could take over the world, I am very proud to be their friend, and they are all jewels to be won (as betsy says). Cybil is from Virginia (DC), and she is the out of state piece to the group, Allison and Cristina are our ATL girls, and Cybil, Allison, and Cristina make up our big city element. Allison is our Georgia girl who went to school in Chicago and has now returned to the great state, Cristina’s mom is from Spain, and she adds a little international spice to things, Cybil went to boarding school, which is very interesting, Christy, Cristina, Elizabeth and I all went to UGA, Cristina and I are the greek aspect, and Christy and Elizabeth balance us out. Christy is Wells TA, so she is a prized possession of the group, because being a TA means that she made the highest grade on out Torts exam last year, which is huge. Allison is on law review and mock trial, so she adds a lot to our collective resume and one day I am going to go out to lunch with her and we can talk about how our lunch was worth $750 because Allison’s time will be worth that much. Cristina is fluent is spanish, which is very important to our resume in the ever global world we live in. Elizabeth and Christy are two of the most impressive slackers I have ever met, because they are both able to get very, very quality work done in the last minute. I really hate to even call them slackers, because they are both so intelligent it isn’t that they are slacking, they just know their own abilities and don’t waste their time in advance when they know they can get it done in the crunch. I think this isa very important skill and I am trying to learn from them. In addition to these credentials, all of these girls have spectacular social skills and I know that I could take any of them any where. You know how you have those friends that you really enjoy and are always happy to see, but you would never take to party where this particular friend didn’t know anyone and you did? None of these girls fall into this category. They are more in the group of friends that you would take to a reunion of your friends from your study abroad. And let me tell you, law school isn’t full of people with A+ social skills, so I really got lucky. The bottom line here, is that these are my friends and I am proud of them all. And now my toes look really pretty as well (red of course).

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I apologize for this post, I am normally a lot more fun, and if you don’t know me very well and aren’t interested in my rare bouts with negativity, then skip this post.

I don’t like myself much today. I don’t know why, I just don’t. Actually, I do know why, because I am acting like all the things I abhor. I just don’t know why I am acting so. I am being high strung, sensitive, emotional, negative, and judgmental, and it has to stop. Oh, and I am also restless and I am being unnecessarily hard on myself about everything. I am reading too much into the people around me, and I am also being insensitive to people who I sense are struggling with something. So basically I am making up problems for some people, and ignoring real problems in others. But the worst part is that I worry and I fret and I dwell. I dwell on my class schedule, I dwell on the email I just sent (did it come across wrong?), I dwell on the silly story I just told (was it stupid?). And the amazing thing about this is that my schedule doesn’t really matter, the email will be read by someone who understands me, and the people I just told the story to have already forgotten it. Basically the bottom line is that I need to RELAX. but it is hard to relax when I realize that am already three weeks behind in school and it just started yesterday. I don’t want to be this girl. I also think there is a possibility that I don’t appreciate just how many people might read this journal, and amazingly enough, that is the one thing that I don’t care about. Because the one thing I learned this summer, is that my biggest fault is that I am too honest. But it is something that I can’t do anything about. I just wish I wasn’t the kind of person who needs constant affirmation. Cybil and I were talking about this one day, for some reason I really have a problem with people that don’t appreciate me. It really bothers me when people don’t like me. Actually, it doesn’t bother me if I can come up with a good reason why they don’t like me, but without a good reason I just get my feelings hurt and I don’t understand. and this is stupid, because you can’t please everyone. but I want to please everyone. I think this is a very unhealthy way to be and something that I am going to work on.
Another thing I was thinking about, I really enjoy being up beat and friendly, actually it is sort of compulsive, I couldn’t be any other way. For the most part I am upbeat and friendly. But just because this is the way that I am doesn’t mean that it isn’t draining. It still takes a lot of energy to be upbeat and friendly. Especially in law school for some reason. Being cheery in law school takes up a lot more energy than being cheery other places.
Okay, I am finished being that girl. I am going to be a lot more fun tomorrow. I am thinking that wednesdays are just going to be really hard this year and I need to buck up and stop being a wimp. I love my law school friends and I think this is going to be a good fall. and I’m not going to worry about whether people like me or not, and I am going to concentrate on trying to like everyone. I think I was inside for too long today and I need to spend some more time outside tomorrow. I feel better now, and I will feel even better tomorrow.

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**This entry is dedicated to a few people who especially can appreciate this memory: Libby, Emily, Molly, and Drew.

It is obvious that you would rather be a hurricane than a tropical storm, and since the hurricane of the week is named Charley, and since I stopped holding my breath that they were going to name a hurricane Charlsie back when I was 9, I think that the weather is a great thing to think about. My mother loves to watch the weather channel, we call her accu-kate. I read a book once (like last week) about a girl whose mood would alter the weather in certain circumstances (I like children novels). With me it is a little vis versa. But for the most part the only weather that really depresses me is cold and dark and for an extended amount of time. I like weather that changes. I love thunderstorms (although they scare me more now than the used to), and I love heavy rainshowers without the thunder (you can still swim, and swimming in the rain is the best, since the water you are swimming in is always warmer than the rain, at least in the south). It brings back deep, clear memories of being at the pool in the summer time, watching the clouds roll in, and praying that it didn’t thunder. And if it did thunder, you would have to get out of the pool. The pool where I grew up had concrete around most of it, but it had wood around part of it, mostly the deep end, and the wooden part is what comes to mind when I think about it raining at the pool (it would get kinda squishy when it was wet, even though it didn’t have to be raining for it to be wet). Most children wouldn’t still be at the pool at this point (there parents would come get them), because of the weather, but if you were a pool rat like I was (I walked to and from the pool), you would still be there. Hopefully, if it was going to thunder, it would thunder before it started to rain, so that your towel wouldn’t be soaked when you did actually have to get out (you might have been a forward thinking child and put your towel under cover before the rain started to fall, but I don’t remember being one of those children). So it would thunder and you would reluctantly get of the pool, and sit under the cover with the lifeguards, watching the drops splash in the pool and crash on the concrete, and soak into the wood, wrapped in your wet towel. After a while, it would occur to you to dig through the lost and found and find a dry towel, which would smell musty, like the rest of the things under the cover. The lifeguards would let you borrow a stopwatch (used for swim practice) to time how long in between the thunder strikes. In this particular memory there is no lightening, just thunder, and you don’t understand why you can’t get back into the pool since there isn’t any lightening, but it is a rule you are pretty used to, so you don’t argue. After a while the lifeguards would always try to persuade you to call your mom to come get you, but you would hold out, convinced that the storm would blow over. Depending on which part of the summer the storm occurred would determine how long the lifeguards would deal with you. If you had spent every day there for the past two and a half months, their patients would be growing thin and they would be calling your mom for you, asking you when you started school, etc. But, the less other kids around, the more tolerant the lifeguards seemed to be, they might even let you play cards with them. Once the storm blew through and the thunder stopped, then all the patience would be rewarded. Since you and few others were the only ones at the pool, the lifeguards would be in a good mood and play games with you, and you would have their undivided attention for a few minutes (it is funny, I always wanted the older kids to pay attention to me and most of the time they would just tell me to go home (which wasn’t fair, because I could always go home, I never had the excuse that I had to wait on someone), and now that I am older, they don’t seem older anymore, and they do pay attention to me, and you know what? I still appreciate it, I guess a little left over childhood). And after the rain you could smell the clay from the tennis courts in the airand the steam rising from the parking lot, and the wet leaves and flowers from the landscaping, and your chlorine hair and musty towel. And you would dive back into the pool and shiver at the cooler temperature, but just be happy to be in the water again. This is a very happy memory for me, almost as great as it would be to have a hurricane named Charlsie.

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I am sitting on Herty field writing this, and I gotta tell you, I love this town. It is so nice to come home and actually feel like it is home. I mean, I love Augusta and Augusta will always been home, but at the same time, I live in Athens, and I have lived here for 5 full years. Added to the fact that Athens has always been a bit of a second home for me, and the attachment grows even stronger. I went to the Morton today, which is the church I attend. It is part of Athens First United Methodist, and I love it. I have been to a lot of churches in Athens, but this is the only one that I have enjoyed on a regular basis. I like to think of church as something comparable to running or working out. When you haven’t run in a long time, that first run is not very enjoyable. and to make it worse, you pass people while you are running who don’t seem to be going through the same torturous experience that you are going through, and it doesn’t really seem fair, and it makes you not want to run again for a while. But all it takes is that one good run, and it makes you want to run every day for the rest of your life. And you are going to have bad runs, and feel awful during the run, whether it is because you haven’t been taking care of your body, or because you just don’t “feel like it”, but the good runs are going to make it worth it. Pretty soon, you are the one who is enjoying the run and you feel kinda bad for the people who are struggling down the trail or the road, but you know that they are on the right path, and that if they keep at it, it will become a joy and not a job. Well, I see God like that. If I go to church all the time and read my bible and stuff like that, then I look forward to church and I enjoy it a great deal. but if it is something that I have been neglecting, then I don’t enjoy it and it makes me not really want to go back during it. But here is the great thing, even if it is painful during the experience, running or church, when it is over, you feel good. sometimes you feel great. It is such a satisfactory experience, both are fulfilling and worth it. David gave a great sermon today, and the two quotes that I kept thinking of during the sermon are this: the first is a Sara Evans song that says, “sometimes I’m a sinner and sometimes I’m a saint; one justifies the reason, and one understands the pain.” and the other quote is, “Guilt is not of God.” which is one that always allows me to enjoy church, even when I am in the dumps. Okay, gotta go eat lunch…….

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I just wanted to say “hey!” to Uncle Bill in Marietta, I hope you are having a good summer and I can’t wait to show you all my pictures and talk to you about everything. I am sad that you weren’t able to go to Greece, but I know you will have another chance. See you soon! – Charlsie

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I am in the mountains, and my mom is lamenting the fact that she can’t call my dog on the phone and see how she is and if it is still raining in Augusta. Bella and Bo don’t like storms, and my mom would like some verbal affirmation of the fact that they are in one piece still. But she is really mostly worried about Bella, and not Bo. It is quite sad.
So, I have moved out of Windsor. It would be sad if I didn’t hate the place so much. For the past five years, there has always been an apartment of people I cared about a great deal in Windsor and it has always been a second home, and two of the years I lived there full time. But never again. No one in my close circle lives there currently, and I will never live there again. Thank the Lord.
Yesterday we had two movers come over and move our furniture out, which was the greatest idea we have ever had. I hate moving furniture, and we had a lot of it. It was kinda fun to watch the move, but nice to just be supervising. They were nice guys, and pretty entertaining. Of course I am easily entertained. Once my room was cleared of my belongings, it was clear I had a way to go with cleaning. The carpet was a graveyard of hair rubber bands, folded up candy wrappers and pieces of paper, wads of tissue, and dead bugs (mostly centipedes with a few nicely positioned roaches). But there was nothing that I could do about last night, because I was too tired. I went to the grocery store before Katie got home to get some essentials for the new apartment, like cokes and cookies. Well, when I got to Kroger, I realized that I was going to have a fit if I couldn’t get a greek salad really soon. It became very apparent that I was having a serious withdrawal craving for a greek salad. I spent a great deal of time picking out the olive oil and a limited amount of time on the other ingredients and rushed home. I wasn’t confident that I was going to make it through the task of cutting up the cucumbers and tomatoes without passing out from lack of greek salad. And everyone likes to make them different, but my idea of a greek salad is cucumbers, tomatoes, feta, seasoning, oil and vineger to taste. It was delicious (did I ever express to everyone how under-used the word delicious is? I think everyone should try to use the word delicious more often, help it live up to its potential). Of course the only fork we had in the apartment was one that I picked up from mean bean earlier in the day, so when Katie came home and wanted some of my awesome salad, I told her she had to wait till I was finished. But I was happy she was home. After salad time, Katie and I went to target (which is always exciting) and bought a bunch of cleaning supplies for our new apartment. We decided to start all over new with the new apartment because we were so grossed out by the old apartment and we didn’t want anything from the old apartment to taint the new apartment. Everyone is going to have to come see the new apartment, it is quite cool. I am falling asleep, good night darlings.

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