the thin line between optimism and delusion…

I apologize for this post, I am normally a lot more fun, and if you don’t know me very well and aren’t interested in my rare bouts with negativity, then skip this post.

I don’t like myself much today. I don’t know why, I just don’t. Actually, I do know why, because I am acting like all the things I abhor. I just don’t know why I am acting so. I am being high strung, sensitive, emotional, negative, and judgmental, and it has to stop. Oh, and I am also restless and I am being unnecessarily hard on myself about everything. I am reading too much into the people around me, and I am also being insensitive to people who I sense are struggling with something. So basically I am making up problems for some people, and ignoring real problems in others. But the worst part is that I worry and I fret and I dwell. I dwell on my class schedule, I dwell on the email I just sent (did it come across wrong?), I dwell on the silly story I just told (was it stupid?). And the amazing thing about this is that my schedule doesn’t really matter, the email will be read by someone who understands me, and the people I just told the story to have already forgotten it. Basically the bottom line is that I need to RELAX. but it is hard to relax when I realize that am already three weeks behind in school and it just started yesterday. I don’t want to be this girl. I also think there is a possibility that I don’t appreciate just how many people might read this journal, and amazingly enough, that is the one thing that I don’t care about. Because the one thing I learned this summer, is that my biggest fault is that I am too honest. But it is something that I can’t do anything about. I just wish I wasn’t the kind of person who needs constant affirmation. Cybil and I were talking about this one day, for some reason I really have a problem with people that don’t appreciate me. It really bothers me when people don’t like me. Actually, it doesn’t bother me if I can come up with a good reason why they don’t like me, but without a good reason I just get my feelings hurt and I don’t understand. and this is stupid, because you can’t please everyone. but I want to please everyone. I think this is a very unhealthy way to be and something that I am going to work on.
Another thing I was thinking about, I really enjoy being up beat and friendly, actually it is sort of compulsive, I couldn’t be any other way. For the most part I am upbeat and friendly. But just because this is the way that I am doesn’t mean that it isn’t draining. It still takes a lot of energy to be upbeat and friendly. Especially in law school for some reason. Being cheery in law school takes up a lot more energy than being cheery other places.
Okay, I am finished being that girl. I am going to be a lot more fun tomorrow. I am thinking that wednesdays are just going to be really hard this year and I need to buck up and stop being a wimp. I love my law school friends and I think this is going to be a good fall. and I’m not going to worry about whether people like me or not, and I am going to concentrate on trying to like everyone. I think I was inside for too long today and I need to spend some more time outside tomorrow. I feel better now, and I will feel even better tomorrow.