the thin line between optimism and delusion…

(the title to this post is very ego-centric – since the observation is one that I made about myself, so I apologize for being shockingly self absorbed.)

I don’t like horror movies.  I don’t go see them.  I don’t watch the previews for them.  I don’t like being frightened.  I don’t like the graphic images.  They freak me out.  I’ve seen quite a few horror movies, and every one I’ve ever seen is burned in my brain for all eternity.  I don’t mind the stories.  Emily loves horror movies and I like it when she tells me the story.  She is a good story teller and I love stories.  I enjoy hearing the story, it is the mental images in horror movies that I can’t shake.  I read somewhere that men and women process images differently, and really graphic images disturb women much more than men, which is why men are more likely to enjoy shows like the Sopranos (not that women don’t like that show, but women are more likely to be disturbed by it). 

But the weird thing is – I LOVE crime shows.  Like, Love them.  I think I’ve seen every single CSI Las Vegas and 90% of the CSI miami.  I know I’ve seen every NCSI and Numb3rs.  Not to mention the thousands of Law and Orders.  I love the original, SVU, Criminal Intent – I even loved the spin off show Conviction.  I’ve seen every Bones.  I feel like I’m leaving out a show.  I don’t watch CSI new york or cold case.  I watch them on DVD from netflix, I tivo them, and I watch them when they just happen to come on.  Recently I’ve become obsessed with Criminal Minds.  OBSESSED. 

So here is what I find interesting.  Horror movies are not real.  And most of the time the things that happen are not even close to reality.  And they scare me slap silly.

Crime shows?  Crime shows are much closer to the truth.  Not the forensic or legal nature of them, but the stories.  The crimes.  Crimes like that actually happen.  Serial killers are real.  Rapist are real.  Random Acts of violence are REAL.  People kill other people for money and power and sports equipment.  And I can sit up late into the night watching crazy people hack up innocent victims then fall directly to sleep with no residual effect.  And most of these shows are pretty graphic. 

Emily says Drew thinks there is something wrong with her because she loves crime shows.  But that must mean there is obviously something wrong with me too.  Although we both agree, If we weren’t ourselves, we would wish we were.  Hehe. 

On that same note, Jennifer and Emily used to think there was something bad wrong with me because I love depressing music.  They think I’m too upbeat and happy of a person to listen to so much Patty Griffin and Amos Lee and sad county songs.  I find them uplifting.  They are my poets. 

I remember being really upset when I found out that my favorite Susan Tedeschi song was actually a Bob Dylan cover.  Of COURSE it was.  She’s an amazing musician, but Bob Dylan was a poet – and the words are what I really identify with. 

I REALLY hate studying for the bar.  REALLY.  REALLY hate. 

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Especially diet coke.  And Dr. Pepper.  I like diet DP and I like regular coke too – but diet coke and regular dr pepper are my fav.  Right now I am drinking a diet coke out of an aluminum can, which is the best way to drink diet coke, and it is seriously increasing my quality of life. 

I had a dream last night that I was in a triathlon of sorts – I had to run and bike and kayak.  Random.  And I didn’t train for it.  And right before it started I had to buy a water bottle for the event, and the one I picked out ended up costing $80 – and I almost choked, but I HAD to have the water bottle and I didn’t have time to find a cheaper one and I really loved the one I’d picked out.  It was a gray sigg bottle with a carabiner on the top.  I was very concerned I was going to drown during the kayaking part. 

I also dreamed that I had a party at my parents house where we grilled out hamburgers and fed like 50 people.  It was fun, but I didn’t know a lot of the people very well, and I hadn’t exactly cleared it with my parents that the party was going to be that big, so I was a little nervous. 

But those are just dreams.  The reality is that I’m going to Aspen tomorrow for Allison’s wedding!  I am so excited.  There are lots of people I haven’t seen in a long time that I’m really looking forward to hanging out with. 

Plus I really miss my mountains! 

I read this article the other day by Judith Warner – and it reminded me of some things I’ve been thinking of a lot recently.  Namely, how our friends define us.  Take Jessica for instance.  She’s a great friend of mine, and when we met – we immediately clicked and wanted to hang out all the time.  I definitely had a big crush on her.  We now live in different cities and I don’t see her as much as I would like to – but when another friend says – I hung out with Jessica the other day and I really think she is the funniest person in the world – I take that as a compliment.  Because, well, SHE’S MY FRIEND!  My special friend.  Not that I don’t have other equally as special friends, but Jessica thinks I’M FUNNY.  We laugh at each other!  So if someone else thinks she is hilarious, that means I might be sort of hilarious too.  At least when I’m with her.  In addition to taking it as a compliment, I feel like, wow, I’m special to have such a funny and great person as a friend.  And you know what?  The person who told me they think Jessica is hilarious had no intention of boosting my self esteem.  He was just commenting on a fact. 

And I know this can go the other way as well.  I’ve had friends that I’ve introduced that served as a catalyst for disaster, where one person was definitely in the wrong.  And I’ve felt responsible.  For subjecting the victim to such disaster.  Or the friends who meet randomly and find that I’m the mutual friend, and a strong dislike develops between the two people which has nothing to do with me and I find myself trying to convince both sides that the other isn’t as terrible as they think.  Which is silly, not everyone has to love everyone else.  Or the friend who just ends up not being a friend at all and stabs you in the back.  That friend makes you question your judgment.  Makes you wonder why you didn’t see it, especially if everyone else in your life saw it clearly. 

I think this is also why we take insults to our friends so personally.  I can handle being insulted.  I don’t like it, but I can handle it.  But when someone insults or mistreats one of my special friends, it really ticks me off.  And I see how when I’ve been mistreated, I recover from the slight much quicker than my close friends recover from it. For some reason it is much easier for me to forgive someone for hurting me than for hurting my friend.  I’m not sure exactly how this all relates back to how your friends validate you, but it is just what I have been thinking about lately. 

I hope you all have a spectacular 4th of July – Yay AMERICA!  Let me know if you are going to be in aspen this week!  Wish me luck, it could be a big weekend!  Kisses!

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My dad Trav, who you might remember from previous posts – is in Ireland.  He is at the Corrymella Community Center as a week long volunteer.  He really likes to learn about the places he visits, and he and his best friend are working at the center for a week then they are biking around for a few days before coming home.  I am going to cut and paste some of his emails.  It is amazing how little I know about Ireland. 

June 23, 2008
just met a
visiting RTE television team which has arrived here to interview the Director
and film this place.  RTE is Ireland's equivalent to the BBC in
England.  Today I am working as the front desk receptionist at the
Corrymeela Community Centre, handling the incoming phone calls and visitors, as
well as having access to the Centre's computer.  Miserable cold and gale-wind weather conditions yesterday gave way to a bright
and sunny day today.  Hopefully I
will get away from this desk later today – interesting work and people from all
over the world, but its still rather camp-like with Dick Gayle and me staying in
a hostel-type room sharing bathrooms down the hall with the 6 other women in our
team. It doesn't get dark here until around 11 pm.  

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On Friday the air conditioner in my car stopped working.  So I took it to my friendly mechanics – hoping that they would tell me that I just needed some Freon or however you spell it.  Turns out my thermostat was broken, so my car didn't know it was overheating.  LUCKILY it didn't overheat for too long and nothing else was damaged. 

I spent the weekend studying for the South Carolina bar, which I'm taking in July.  My biggest concern, besides the obvious problem of having too much material and not enough time or attention to learn it all, is that I have to hand write the exam.  For six hours, two days in a row, I will have to be handwriting essays.  And as of right now I can only handwrite for about 15 minutes before my hand starts to cramp up.  So I'm going to have to write a lot in the next few weeks and teach my hand to write for long periods of time.  Wish me luck. 

Last night we had father's day.  My parents just bought a green egg, so I spent a few hours learning how to adjust the temperature through the opening and closing of the various vents.  I sort of burned the ribs, but I didn't ruin them.  I'll do better next time.  It was fun. 

This morning I got to work and turned my computer on.  And I waited.  And waited.  And waited.  And then I called IT.  No answer.  They called me back.  Can't fix it remotely, will put in a ticket for my computer.  Hours later someone comes up to look at it.  Can't fix it.  State computer, county IT guy.  Have to call the state IT and get someone over here to look at it.  But.  Probably broken. 

In the meantime of all this happening, I relocated to the senior judge's office.  He is only around when he has cases to try, so he isn't here this week.  He also never uses his computer anyway.  His office is also totally and completely FREEZING.  Finally I went and got my space heater from my office and plugged it in.  Things were going well.  For ten minutes. 

Then the fuse blew.  Great.  All I can say is that today was not the most productive day of my life. 

And my laptop is broken too.  I swear. 

In other news, did you see the US Open today?  Wow.  I was really hoping Rocco was going to pull it off.  But as Jennifer says – Tiger Woods – stealing the hope and crushing the dreams of other golfers since at least 1997. 

I think I'm going to go for a little run today.  It isn't near as hot, and I'm feeling pretty good. 

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Something about Thursday afternoons in the summertime makes me want to sit outside and drink beer. 

Doesn't that sound like fun?

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I apologize for the lack of posting.  Things have been a little crazy.  There was the Masters, which basically left me completely out of touch for the entire week, since I never had my cell phone and I spent every day outside and not sitting in front of my computer.  It was an awesome week full of old friends and new friends and lots and lots of family.  I drank too much, I got too much sun (my scalp even peeled.  Ew.).  I didn’t get enough sleep and I walked my little legs off.  But other than those minor details, it was basically all sunshine and sandwiches and beer.  And if you don’t enjoy those three things, then you probably don’t want to be my friend. 

Since then, I’ve been a little reclusive, just because I was a little talked out.  I had a wedding in augusta this past weekend, which was fun, but also exhausting.  So, my downtime, when I’ve been hiding, I have been watching TV.  I am currently obsessed with the John Adams miniseries.  It is awesome.  I’m almost through the 5th episode, so I have two more after that.  It basically sucked up my entire day yesterday.  Even though I wasted a perfectly beautiful day, I enjoyed it.  Elizabeth and I did walk the Briscoe dog to the Dairy Queen in the afternoon, so that was fun. 

In other news, I am having my eyes fixed on Wednesday.  I’m not have the regular lasik, because apparently my corneas are too thin.  I’m having the epi-lasik, which has a longer recovery time, but ends up being just as effective in the long run, and some people say, safer.  I’m excited, and nervous, and I don’t really want to hear anything negative about it until it is over.  Because I’m doing it, and even if it sucks for a week or two, it will all be worth it in the end. 

I’m in a pretty feisty mood today.  Rawr. 

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I spent the weekend on a beautiful farm in South Carolina with my friends from Charleston.  It was so much fun.  Briscoe had a blast, and the weather was unbelievable.  The back of my neck got sunburned while we were skeet shooting.  I was smart enough to put sunscreen on my face, but I guess I’m still adjusting to having hair short enough to not cover my neck. 

We had excellent food, perfect weather, a great group, and plenty of beer.  I saw turkeys (wild ones and ones in a barn), deer, hawks, and ducks. 

Last night I got dental floss stuck in my teeth.  I think that is totally unacceptable.   I probably need to get some different kind of floss. 

I found some liquid paper in my desk drawer the other day.  I forgot this stuff even existed.  The bottle I found is pretty much totally dried up and useless, but the smell took me back to high school.  Not that I used to huff liquid paper or anything, but just back to a time when I thought it was a really cool office supply.  I love office supplies. 

I’ve started watching Lost again.  I know I said I wouldn’t do it, but I did.  It is like an abusive relationship that I know isn’t going to work out well, but I just can’t get away from it.  It is like watching a movie for four years knowing that the ending hasn’t been written and might never be written.  Sad. 

I want to start a book club.  I think it could be really fun.  Elizabeth said she would only be in my book club if I promised to not make her read classic novels like the three musketeers.  Sigh.  Okay.  Since we can no longer have a Grey’s Anatomy girls night or anything like that, I guess we will have to take it back old school and read books. 

I’m thinking sugar cookies for valentine’s day.  Whatcha think?  Heart shapes?  Pink and Red?  Yep.  Yep. 

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I am so excited that today is Wednesday, because when Wednesday is over, it becomes Thursday, and Thursday is my favorite day of the week. 

I barely made it out of bed this morning, although I did awake refreshed, which was nice.  I have been sleeping well lately, even though I still hate getting out of bed. 

It is such a glorious day outside.  For some reason when I woke up this morning I thought I heard rain, but it was just my ceiling fan and my early morning stupor.  I should have known that it wasn’t raining, it hasn’t rained in years around here. 

Has anyone been looking at the moon the past couple of nights?  It has been AMAZING.  I don’t know when I have ever seen such an amazing moon, and I love to look a the moon. 

Molly and Ashley came by to see me last night at 10 pm, and I was in the bed, watching tv, they scared me to death.  Actually, it could have been worse.  And I was so excited to see them, I really needed some more human interaction to complete my day.  I’m so glad Molly lives in athens, and I’m really excited about Ashley, she is precious and I want to hang out with her more. 

I’m not skittish, and I don’t mind living by myself, and I almost always feel safe, but I did have a dream the other night that I woke up at 4 am, and that there was a book in my bed, a book I knew I had left downstairs, and that had not been in my bed when I went to sleep, and in my dream I was convinced that someone was wandering around my apartment, moving my stuff around, and was going to get me.  Which is probably the STUPIDEST dream I have ever had. 

Did you see House last night!  OMG!  It was awesome!! 

p.s.  I hope Rita’s life falls apart in the next day.  (the hurricane, I don’t think I actually know anyone named Rita). 

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Heeeeellllooooooo my dearest Chuckie’s loyal readers. I am Jessica, Chuck has given me posing rights so I will be the occasional guest star here at the thin line…and don’t worry, I too am ridiculously idealistic and e somewhat delusional, so the same sunny attitude will apply.

Right now if I had a bottle containing a genie, my 3 wishes would be…

1. For a small monkey that would run around town and do my bidding, right now I would send him to Chick-fil-A to fetch Charlsie and me some delicious chicken biscuits and soft drinks bigger than our heads, and Charlsie’s would have a spill-proof lid. The reasoning behind this fancy lid is that last night when we made the cab take us to the Roo Miss Paine spilled her 32oz Big Gulp all over the counter while attempting to purchase the poweraidey goodness. This was not an isolated incident…there were also 12oz of cold Miller Light goodness spilled all over Cam at Cutters. tisk, tisk

2. For the fall to hurry up and get here because I cannot wait to (1) find out what happens on the OC (2) hurry football season hurry! I can’t wait any longer! (3) attend my first ever Georgia-Florida (4) see all my fantastical law school friends without the burden of being a first year (5) OK there are too many reasons to name but I really want the fall to get here!

3. That in addition to the monkey’s talents at the wheel and with a credit card, he would also be one heck of an amazing chef and one be downstairs right now whipping up omelets and blueberry pancakes.

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You know those people that everyone else says are terrible and that you shouldn’t trust and that they aren’t worth it?

Believe people when they tell you this stuff.

Because it almost always turns out to be true.

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