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Archive for the ‘Thoughts’ Category

It barely rained at all this April, but we’ve had spectacular flowers anyway.  Once it did finally start raining in May, everything started growing, growing, growing.  Sprouts, shoots, branches, buds, springing up from every empty space.  Cracks in the sidewalk, the space between the slats on the porch, the nook in the tree, chinks in the concrete slab back steps, in the gutters on my neighbor’s house, the storm water gutters in the street.  There is a weed in my neighborhood that is close to two stories tall.  I think it grew up in about two weeks.  Everything is green and growing.

I’ve been making Briscoe run with me recently, partially because the puff has gotten fat, and partially because I’m out of shape, and partially because pretty soon it will be so hot that the puff won’t be able to play outside unless it involves swimming.  She gets really hot.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this blog, and blogs, and life on the internet.  I recently celebrated my sixth blogiversary, and I’ve become a very slack blogger.  I don’t necessarily mind being a bad blogger.  But I realized this morning that more importantly than me not blogging, I haven’t been writing much recently.  I stopped writing on a regular basis at some point last year, I think.  I made excuses that the writing I did at work was the reason for my lack of motivation to write.  My new job doesn’t afford much writing, and I can’t use that as a reason anymore.  And I still don’t have a lot of motivation to write, which makes me sad.

I know there are other reasons I lost my motivation last year.   And I think I know what they are, but I’m not sure they make sense.  There were times I was too miserable to write, and times when I was too happy to write, and I’m inclined to say I was also too busy.  But I hate that excuse.  I don’t care how busy you are, you make time for the things you love.  Like the people who tell me they love to read, but just don’t have time.  If you loved it that much, you would find the time.  Maybe it is simply an over use of the world love.  You can’t love an indefinite number of activities.  For instance, I like to bake, and I like to cook.  But I love to run and I love to read (and I love to drink beer and wine, but that is probably another post).  So when I come home from work, instead of going to the grocery story for lots of fun food to prepare the new recipe I just found that I’m excited about – I come home and put a leash on my dog and go for a run.

That’s not to say that I don’t ever cook, because I do, but mostly because I get hungry and have to eat something after I work out, not so much because I just love to do it.

So maybe I just don’t love writing as much as I wish I did.  It is sort of like running, in that it can feel like work, but you always feel much better afterwards, and the more you do it the more enjoyable it becomes.

In other news, the new Frosty Card is out.  For a dollar you get free frostys for six months!  The best part?  When your little card’s time runs out – you can buy another card for another dollar!  Sigh.  It’s one of the greatest things that ever happened.  Thank you MCG Children Medical Center for making my summer exceptional!

Also, I would really appreciate it if someone would go to the mall and buy me a bunch of new clothes that I would really like – I need some work clothes and some fun going out clothes and a couple of really cute dresses to wear to weddings and engagement parties this summer.  Make sure it is the right size, will be flattering for my figure, is a good color for me, will be appropriate for the occasion, is comfortable, and isn’t too expensive.  Thx.

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Twenty-Ten?

I keep saying Two Thousand and Ten.  Which, is apparently WRONG.  I also keep writing 200, only to catch myself and go back and insert a 1 before the last 0.  I’m still thinking about lists I want to make of things that happened in the last decade. 

Do you think there is something wrong with me that I’d rather make lists of things that have already happen than to make lists of things I think should happen?  Like resolutions?  I’ve never been much for resolutions, but I do think the new year is cause for introspection.

Right now, my goal for the future is to make it through this horrible, horrible cold spell.  I’ve never been so cold for so long in all my life.  My heart is slowly turning to ice and stone.  I’m sick of it.  My ferns are dying (or dead, depending on who you talk to), my knuckles are dry and chapped, and I’m all out of warm socks.  I live in Georgia for a damn good reason, and it’s not to have the temperatures hang out in the 20s for weeks at a time.  Briscoe says she is sick of it too.  She wants to go swimming and get her hair cut.

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Happy 2010!

I want to write a long New Year post, and talk about the events of the past decade, and the past year and what I’ve learned and how I’m different and how I’m the same.  But I just haven’t done it, and I’m not going to do it right now either.  I did get all my Christmas decorations put up, and I even found a novel place to put them all, which was exciting. 

Remember last summer when I decided I was going to play tennis and relearn this sport of my childhood?  Well, this past weekend I decided that I was going to relearn how to swim, another sport of my childhood.  I’m still trying to figure out exactly how to not drown, what time I should swim, and how I can get comfortable being at the pool and how to get from the pool home – change clothes, not change clothes, etc. 

Which is difficult right this second because it’s cold as…as…wait, how come all the terms I want to use to describe cold are actually hot?  Like cold as hell, etc.  Hmm.  Whatev, it’s extremely cold outside. 

Catherine gave me a new Frosty card last night.  My old one expired, and she works for MCG, so she knew it had expired and that I really liked them so she gave me one.  You should go buy your own Frosty card before they sell out.  They are only $1 and they benefit the Children’s Medical Center!

Something about swimming makes me also want to do hot yoga.  I wish there was a good hot yoga place around here. 

I had a dream last night that I was skiing, but I had a hard time getting to the lift platform.  Then I had another dream that it was summer time and it was so hot I was able to wear my favorite patagonia tank dresses late into the night without ever even having a chill.  The second dream was much better than the first.

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Rain

I am in my bed, listening to the rain pour outside my window. 

I have things to say tonight.  I think some pandora radio will help me think and write. 

Guess what the first song Pandora wants to play for me tonight?

Rain – Patty Griffin.  I wish I could start it over and play it again.  I love this song. 

My room is basically in the attic part of my house.  When I bought the house the upstairs wasn’t exactly finished.  The upstairs bathroom had to be almost completely redone, and the floors had to be fixed and there was a lot of painting.  The upstairs isn’t connected to the central heating and air.  I have a window unit for a/c, which has been strangely enjoyable.  I like the noise it makes.  But I haven’t done anything about the heat.   It gets sort of cold, but if I leave the stairwell door open during the day, it’s not bad.  Or it hasn’t been so far. 

 I guess last night was sort of cold.  I woke up with the fluffy headed dog snuggled up all along the lower part of my body.  And let me tell you, she puts off a shocking amount of heat for such a small animal.  I woke up because I was sweating.  How do you tell your sweet dog that you are really sorry she is cold, but that underneath the cozy quilt you are quiet warm and that her body heat is actually throwing off the whole balance of the situation?  Y’all wouldn’t believe how much room she takes up on the bed.  It is incredible. 

Loren and I went to see the Blind Side last week.  There is nothing better than a good movie friend.  We both agreed that it was a wonderful, enjoyable, real, encouraging and overall excellent movie.  We would both like to be Sandra Bullock’s character one day, or at least have her marriage.  We laughed, we cried, we left uplifted.  Go see it. 

Life can be complicated sometimes.  Sometimes it’s like the string in a favorite sweater that you shouldn’t pull, but you can’t help it and you pull it anyway, and things are never the same again.  Sometimes it’s a tangled necklace, that you are sure you can get untangled with the right tools in the right light without someone looking over your shoulder trying to help.  Sometimes, it’s the cupcakes that you didn’t watch, and now the bottoms are black, and you try to cut the bottom off and ice them anyway, but the scorched taste is still there, somewhere, even if you are the only person who notices it. 

And sometimes it’s your grandmother’s recipe that you’ve never made before that you wait until Thanksgiving morning to actually cook, knowing that your whole family knows what it is suppose to taste like and that you definitely don’t have time to fix if it is wrong and there is nowhere to hid if it sucks.  But it doesn’t suck, it is perfect, and even your most critical relatives want seconds. 

It is hard to know how things are going to turn out, even the simple things.  Especially the simple things. 

So I’m all for complicated.  It keeps things interesting.

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It was sunny and warm here all of last week, which always make for an interesting Halloween.  I remember as a child either sweating to death in whatever huge costume I’d been damned and determined to wear, or freezing to death in whatever thin material had seemed absolutely necessary. 

Last Thursday night Kate and I made pumpkin sugar cookies.  We spent the first hour arguing about which cookie cutter we should be using, how thick the cookies should be and whether or not we had a better cookie cutter that had gotten lost at some point in time.  We spent the second hour trying to keep Trav from eating the pumpkins that had already come out of the oven.  It is amazing how long the whole process takes, and Kate had to ice them Friday while I was at work.  He is a serious cookie monster, capable of destroying three days of work in ten minutes.

The heat wave finally broke Saturday night.  Saturday afternoon I had on a tank top, jeans and flip flops and I was so hot, but by the time I headed home that night after it had poured down rain it was chilly.  Sunday was borderline cold, we had a tennis match, and it was the first bit of physical activity I’ve had in about three weeks.  I wasn’t too sore this morning, but I felt the muscle aches set in this afternoon, and I just took a fantastically hot bath.  I love a good bath.     

I washed a load of towels and sheets today, and it was in the dryer when I came home tonight.  It was cold outside and I was tired and a little depressed that it was basically dark when I left work this afternoon.  Daylight savings always comes as a bit of shock to me.  It takes me a few days to adjust to the early darkness, and in the beginning all I can think about is how it’s going to be dark for MONTHS before it gets light again.  I got the hot towels and blankets out of the dryer and sat with them on the couch for a few minutes.  The smell of clean laundry, coupled with the comforting warmth slowly soothed the tension of my day and I was happy.  Hot laundry is not something you can properly appreciate in the summer time here in Georgia, and I had to admit that winter time has a few perks, like thick socks and fun gloves and warm laundry and Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

I hope you all got to see the moon tonight.  It was one of the prettiest full moons I’ve ever seen.  I love a good bright moon. 

Oh, and we had a mouse in the house last week.  Yep, and since I don’t have a landlord to call and demand something be done about it, I had to do something about it.  I caught that stupid mouse in the snap mouse trap I bought.  I don’t feel as bad as I would have imagined, you know, killing a poor defenseless mouse with my tricky spring trap.  I did have a few passing thoughts about the disney Cinderella movie, and how Gus Gus gets caught in the trap and Cinderellie gets him out of the trap, and picks him out a shirt to wear and gets him a hat and some shoes.  Well, I’m fresh out of mouse shirts and hats and shoes.  You can call me the exterminator. 

Briscoe was the cutest pumpkin in America for Halloween.  I’ll post you a picture as soon as I get one from Libby, who is my historian for life because I am so bad at taking pictures and she is awesome at it.

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Listen, just last week I was bragging on you, how awesome the month of October is, and all the wonderfulness that goes along with Fall. 

But ever since, you’ve been sort of acting out.  First you got really hot.  Like, wow.   My car said 101 in the sun one day last week.  I think it was actually only about 87 degrees, but it FELT like 101, partially because I had gotten dressed when it was 65 degrees. 

Then the rain started.  And it’s been raining a lot.  Not every single day, but on the days it has rained, it has poured. 

I haven’t seen any actual rain today, but it’s been dark and cloudy and freezing cold.  I tried to go outside with Briscoe this morning, and it was too cold for me to go outside without shoes on.  Sad.  I always hate it when it gets too cold to be barefoot. 

Today at lunch, when I was warming my numb fingers over the toaster oven while I watched the cheese on my left over pizza start to bubble, I realized that summer was actually over.  I started to seriously consider where all my favorite socks might be. 

I’m planning on the rest of October being full of sunshine and warm pine straw.  Do you hear me Fall?  Try not to ruin things. 

I bought so much candy yesterday.  I can’t even tell y’all how much money I spent on candy at target.  I went to target after work and I was wandering around like a patient in a mental ward, for some reason I was having a real hard time remembering why I was there.  But then I stumbled upon the Halloween section, and I was happy.  Candy weighs a lot.  Natalie and Erin think I’m a terrible roommate for bringing such a ridiculous amount into the house.  I think such comments border on joy stealing.  It’s Halloween!

There are lots of other things I might could tell y’all, but I think I’ll keep them to myself for right now and maybe tell y’all later.

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I obviously have some authority issues.  As a child, adults didn’t really love me.  Part of this was that I was the most hyperactive child in America (so no one ever let me baby sit growing up), and I thought a lot.  One time when I was 4 I told my mom we needed to stop eating cookies because we were going to be sick if we ate the whole bag.  Wow.  When your 4 year old tells to stop eating cookies because you will end up sick, it’s a bad day.  I’ll also never understand why my elementary school made me sit on the curb during recess to punish me for not being able to sit still during class.  You would think they would have made me run laps instead. 

Well, regardless, I’m not around children a lot, and the children I am around are babies.  Now, when you get children that are a little older, you know the ones who are mobile and talk, part of me has a hard time not associating them with puppies, mostly because a lot of people talk to their kids like I talk to my dog.  Sit.  No.  Stop.  Come here. COME HERE RIGHT NOW!  I’m going to put you in time out.  STOP.  RIGHT NOW! 

When I can get over the fact that they aren’t puppies, I immediately revert to being a child myself and I want to tell them things I shouldn’t.  Like smart come backs to every day comments people make.  (That’s not funny.  It’s hilarious!)  I also have no idea what I’m not suppose to do around them.  I’m the person that gave you kid nine sugar cookies at the luncheon the other day.  Oh, he’s not suppose to have nine cookies?  He already had seven?  Oh, I didn’t know that, he left that part out.  He asked me for them so politely.  He’s not allowed to have Dr. Pepper either?  But he asked for it!  (this goes back to dogs, I don’t like it when people feed my dog people food, and I guess I should be more aware that people probably feel that way about their children, but I think of them as little people).  Part of this is that I want the kids to like me, and I don’t want to be the authority. 

The only way I know how to make kids act right is to play upon their need for acceptance and tell them that what they are doing isn’t cool and that cool people have more friends.  Like, it’s totally not cool to throw sand in your cousin’s eye.  I would think you were cooler if you didn’t do mean things like throw sand in people’s faces.  I’m sure there are much better techniques for getting children to act right.  I haven’t learned them yet. 

I like kids.  I really do.  And for the most part, kids tend to like me.  I think.

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I like to sit on my front porch after work with a beer and watch people.  Our street gets a surprising amount of foot traffic.  Briscoe thinks this is awesome.  I really like my neighborhood, even if we have a vague suspicion that one neighbor is a drug dealer.  They get a lot of visitors who only stay for 10-15 minutes.  We’ve starting writing down license plates so we can document how many times certain cars come by.  On Saturday night there were 10-15 cars that stopped by for short periods of time.  Our neighborhood watch signs have been improved by some of the hooligans with extra signs that say – WE BE SNITCHIN’.   We just want to live up to their expectations. 

I have finally hung my diplomas on the walls at my office, and added some pretty artwork that makes me happy, and my office is finally starting to look like MY OFFICE.  Which is good, since I’ve been there for an entire year.  Isn’t that crazy?

This week last year, I took the South Carolina Bar.  Then I went to Charleston and we went to the Amos Lee concert.  I can’t believe that was a whole year ago.  It seems like two months ago.  Sometimes it frightens me how quickly time passes.  And sometimes it frightens me how long a day (or a night especially) can lasts. 

I like to look back at what I was strung out about today, a year ago.  And what I was excited about, and who had me all in a swivet.  Often, it’s extremely difficult to remember.  What I find even more interesting than my difficulty to recall, is how quickly things change.  How I can look back and think, Man, that drove me crazy for months, but then one day, something else happened, and all those months of worry disappeared and it was almost like they never happened.  It’s such a weird thing to observe from a year out.  Of course, most events that cause such a change come with their own set of worries and disasters, but for right now, I’m just reveling in the fluid quality of life and how you should enjoy today and not let your worries get you down because for all you know, it could be 100 times better or a 100 times worst tomorrow, and either way, today is to be enjoyed.

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fuzzy

I had one of those disconnected afternoon. I couldn’t focus and I was dwelling on things that are totally out of my control. Even more than dwelling, I was…not there.

Donna (our receptionist who doubles as a paralegal and document drafter – she can complete tasks in ten minutes that would take me an hour) and I decided that maybe the office had a carbon monoxide leak because we both had a bad case of the stupids.

After work I went to the mall. There were things I needed to buy. Instead I wandered around the bookstore and the sporting goods store for a.very.long.time. All I bought was some greeting cards for no one in particular, something I really don’t need.

I tried to order some hibatchi to go because of a weird craving. The restaurant within my acceptable radius only does sushi to go. Sad.

I (shockingly) didn’t have a wreck on the way home. I sat on my floor for a while, briscoe stared at me in the pounce stance. I contemplated whether I had a fever or not, thought I might be coming down with the flu.

I forced myself downstairs and into the backyard with B. She wanted to play. She barked, she hauled around the yard, she tried to bit me. And I had to laugh. I chased her around the yard for a while, then I got my book and a glass of wine and some cheese, and I sat in the backyard under the trees with the mockingbirds and the leafy greenness of spring.

Now I feel better. I’m watching Lost (I can’t watch it late at night, it scares me!), and once I eat something, I plan on going to sleep very, very, early.

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and difficulties and biting off more than you can chew.  My thoughts have to do with marathons and grad school and running over the people in your life with your dreams and being jealous of other people’s dreams and being frustrated and fulfilled by your dreams.  About how learning to do something well and taking the time to actually focus long enough on one dream before you jump to another dream and not letting the disappointment of last years dream keep you from this year’s dream. 

But I’m rambling.  I’m not really thinking about dreams the way I just described.  I’m thinking more about having a goal that seems overwhelming and completing it, and how it can be exhilarating and at the same time something of a let down until you find another goal.  Because it leaves a space.  And often time, space is something I can be uncomfortable with. 

Right now I’m completely overwhelmed with my house and weddings and work and the fact that the Masters is next week and I complain that all I want is a day to do nothing.  But when that day comes, when I have a few weekends without plans, the first weekend without plans will be difficult for me.  I’ll feel like I’m missing something or that I should be engaged in something, when really I just need space to breathe. 

I’ve b een thinking about this because Ana has been writing about how she decided to quit smoking because she needed a new personal challenge.  And then Judith wrote about how cooking elaborate meals for her children on their birthdays challenged her and made her feel special.  And their writing really resonated with me this week. 

So I’ve been thinking.  Thinking and packing and cleaning and working and shopping for things I MUST HAVE (like a bathroom sink), and painting and untangling garden hoses and peeling off tape and trying not to collapse from exhaustion. 

Speaking of…the sheep need me to go count them so they can go to sleep too.

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