the thin line between optimism and delusion…

Things have been crazy around here recently.  I had my eyes lasered, which has been going well, but has impacted the amount of time I spend on the computer, it is getting better, but my vision isn’t perfect yet.  The doctor said it could be a month or so, and it’s only been two weeks.  Overall I’m pleased, and I’ll have more to say as the weeks progress. 

I’m going to my third wedding in four weeks this weekend, which should be tons of fun.  Kate’s birthday was yesterday, and we are going to dinner tonight at a new restaurant.  I am looking forward to it. 

I have tons of stuff to do at work, because after the Masters, and my eyes, and then last week was Law Day, and I helped coordinate attorneys going to high schools, which meant I went to a few might schools myself, things have gotten a little backlogged.  I’m hoping to catch up on a lot of things this week. 

It is starting to get hot around here, this morning it really felt like summer.  I’m excited about it getting warm, I just hope we don’t have any heat waves like the one we had last summer.  I also need to go invest in some new sunscreen.  Sometimes I can’t believe how expensive that stuff is. 

I am rereading Beach Music, by Pat Conroy.  It is an awesome book.  If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend you add it to your summer reading list. 

Ahh, I can’t stop thinking of summer time.  Beaches, lakes, boats, beer, barbeque, watermelon, bags of ice, sunscreen, bug spray, sweet corn, shrimp, hot asphalt, sweat, mountains, thunderstorms, hail, listening to the radio, planes, rental cars, old friends, and overall happiness. 

Oh, and that pesky bar exam.  🙂

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I got my W-2 today.  Yay! 

I had a hard time sleeping last night.  I think I drank too much coffee yesterday.  Normally I’m pretty careful about how much caffeine I consume. 

I’m rereading The Three Musketeers.  It is hilarious.  I love Dumas.  He makes me really happy.  Some of his quotes are just awesome – I like this one:

It is rare that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman.
Alexandre Dumas 

I’m sick of the writers strike. 

I wish crazy people wouldn’t leave me messages at work at 1:18 pm on a friday asking me to call them back, then call again at 1:20 p.m. that same day demanding to know why I haven’t returned their calls.  Let me tell you, this is the kind of person I do not look forward to talking to. 

I went to charleston this past weekend and I came home with at least five more coozies than I left home with.  I also got a whistle in the bargain.  It was a good weekend.

A man who works in my building on a different floor commented yesterday on the elevator that my hair had a lot of bounce to it that day.  People notice interesting things. 

Snore.  This week is taking a long time.   

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I get a lot of South Carolina political spam on my work email.  I work and live in Georgia. 

My thumb got smashed in a drawer yesterday.  It is the kind of kitchen drawer that is somewhat weighted, where when it gets a certain amount of closed, it closes really quickly and heavily.  It hurt.  It hasn’t turned black which almost adds insult to injury because I feel like I’m being overly dramatic.  But I swear it really hurts. 

I did yoga on demand yesterday after I ran in the freezing cold.  My shoulders are seriously feeling it this morning.  I slept like a baby last night after my workout.  I forget how nice it is to go to sleep when you have abused your body. 

I like my job. 

I watched so many movies this weekend.  What Ever Happened to Baby Jane – which scared the hell out of me, Waitress – which I thought was really cute (I love Keri Russell), then a bunch of movies I’d seen before, Devil Wears Prada (elizabeth had never seen it), Troy, Mary Kate and Ashley’s "When in Rome", Reversal of Fortune (I love law movies, I know, I’m an idiot – but my knowledge of this movie helped me impress my evidence teacher in law school).  Sunday I went and saw the Bucket List with my parents.  It was cute and quite the tear jerker. 

I have so many important things to do – like laundry, and the grocery store, and picking up dry cleaning.  Things I should have done over my long weekend.

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts about weddings, and people getting married and trying to stay on the same page with your married friends when you are single and your single friends when you are married.  I don’t have time to sort them all out right now.  But I’ve been thinking about it.  It seems to be the trend to lose touch with your married friends, for at least the first six months to a year after the wedding.  Maybe you keep up for a month or two after the wedding.  But lines of communication seem to often fail.  I don’t want any of my married friends to think this is directed at them, because so many of them make a serious effort to keep in touch and do a good job of it. And I know a lot of it is my fault, I have a tendency to back off and not call as often because I don’t want to be a bother, and also as a self preservation tactic of you can’t drop me if I’ve already dropped you (this one is only used in severe circumstances, and is really more of an impulse of bad self esteem that I rarely act upon). 

The bottom line is, keeping in touch is hard in general, and it is easier to keep in touch with people who are at the same stage of life as you and harder to keep in touch with people who are going through different stages.  Basically I’m always shocked at the disconnect that seems to emerge between single people and married people.  And this is a huge generalization.  I would expect married people feel it just as much as single people do.  Maybe I’m wrong.  I hope y’all will tell me if I am. 

The most important thing to be said with all this is that it isn’t anyone’s fault.  And I have TONS of fun with all of my married friends.  I’m a great third wheel.  I’m a great fifth and seventh wheel.  And it makes me happy to see my friends happy.  And I don’t have a burning desire to be married right now.  I’d like to know I’ll be married on day.  My married friends give me hope. 

But it does change things.  How you relate, what you talk about, when you talk, where you see each other, how you approach problems, etc.  It is something to think about.   Let me know what y’all think.   

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I apologize for dropping off the face of the earth – Christmas happened, then my computer at home broke, then I went to new orleans, and now I’m back at work.  My laptop is still broken.  Sad. 

Overall I’ve hand an amazing couple of weeks.  Very tired.  And it is really cold here. 

But I didn’t want y’all to think that something bad happened to me.  I’m still here, in mostly one piece. 

I am really looking forward to 2008.  I have a good feeling about it.  You might say I’m optimistic. 

No other real news.  I’m here, loving coffee and a fuzzy headed dog named Briscoe who runs into walls and likes to lick windows.

Happy 2008!   

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I’m sitting on my couch.  I still have on my long coat.  I need to get up, change clothes, wash my dirtball dog, wash about ten loads of laundry, change the sheets on my bed, unload the dishwasher, brush my hair, put lights on the christmas tree, write some checks, turn the heat on, clean my room, take the trash out, and when it comes down to it, wash my car and clean my bathroom. 

But all I really want to do is go drink beer and eat cheese dip somewhere.   

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Kate and I ate lunch at chik fil a yesterday.  And there was a man sitting a few booths away from us who was on his cell phone.  He was very loud.  These are the things we learned from his numerous conversations:

1.  His dad died, was traveling home from funeral. 

2.  His piece of junk car broke down. 

3.  His name was Steve (no last name, never told anyone on the phone his last name).

4.  His wife’s name was Stephanie. 

5.  Stephanie was pregnant. 

6.  He and Stephanie had spent two nights in a hotel waiting for car to be fixed, and car repair cost $640. 

7.  He was out of money and 900 miles from home. 

8.  He had two children at home who needed to be picked up from somewhere.  Two boys, ages 9 and 11.  He called Elaine, said his name was Steve, asked her to pick up the boys, told her she could stay at their house, then had to tell Elaine the boys ages. Sorry, that is sketch.    

9.  Stephanie had stopped eating because they didn’t have any money.  She was in the car because she was upset. 

10.  He called Pastor David, asked him to pray for them and God Bless.   

11.  Needed someone to western union him some money. 

Honestly, it was the most transparent scam I have ever seen.  And the worst part about it?  Some sweet older man went up to him and gave him money.  And after he gave him money Steve made like six more phone calls instead of going outside to check on poor pregnant starving Stephanie.

Want to know when he did finally leave?  When I went to tell the manager to keep an eye on him.  Want to know what "Stephanie" was doing outside?  Smoking a cigarette.  Did she look pregnant?  Nope.   

Now, I don’t want to seem like a heartless bitch, because I do believe that desperate people do desperate things.  And this guy probably really was desperate.  But it really makes me irate when people prey on the sympathies of good hearted people in the name of being a down and out Christian.  Lots of people patronize chik fil a because of it’s Christian values (i.e. not open on Sundays, their kids meals normally include bible stories) and this guy was taking advantage of the it. 

I know that people do get stuck in situations where they run out of money on the road and have to rely on the kindness of others.   Life can hit you hard sometimes.  People like "Steve" make it very difficult to help the people who really need help. 

Sorry for the rant.  More happy posts soon.    

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I woke up this morning feeling like I had the flu.  My arms and legs ached, my head hurt, my throat was sore, and I was coughing. 

But then I realized that my body was sore because I ran yesterday and the day before and I’m out of shape. 

My cold symptoms were simply allergies that I was being dramatic about. 

And I would, in fact, still have to get up and go to work today.  And that I am, of course, a hypochondriac. 

But in other news, little Briscoe is actually sick.  It is so sad, I can’t explain to her why she doesn’t feel good, and I have to make her take this medicine that she hates and she runs away from me.

The temperature has been dropping all day long.  Brrr.

I’m going to a young lawyers happy hour in the next little bit of my life.  It is at this bar we used to sneak into when we were in high school, that shut down when I was probably a sophomore in college, and just opened back up like six months ago.  The bar is almost on the property of my high school, in the shadows of the football stadium.  I’m pretty excited.  I haven’t been back since it reopened, and I’m expected a lot of excitement over lost glory days from a majority of the crowd. 

Also, I ordered a dress in the mail that came in yesterday that I am totally and completely obsessed with.  LOVE IT.  Happiness is clothes that make you feel good.   

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I have two long coats, two fleeces and a jacket in the back seat of my car. 

Which is really important since it is 80 degrees outside. 

Hippies in Athens are conserving water by not taking showers.  Wait, is that the new excuse?

I’ve been watching a lot of Country Music Television.  My ipod is broke and I’ve been turning on the tv in the morning while I’m getting ready.  They play the same 15 videos over and over again.  I get to watch Garth take a shower every day while I drink my coffee.  Almost makes me feel like I took a shower myself.  But I’m conserving water. 

Speaking of water, it is suppose to rain here tomorrow.  HOORAY! 

I had a great run yesterday.  I think I’m going to run again today.  I’m pretty excited about it since I’ve been so lazy recently.   

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Obviously there are obvious things you don’t appreciate till they are gone(obviously).  Things like health, etc.  One of my favorite quotes is "Sleep, riches, and health, to be truly enjoyed, must be interrupted" – Johann Paul Richter. 

I didn’t realize how much I really loved my sonicare toothbrush until I lost it.  I recognized that I liked it a lot, but I don’t think I really really appreciated the serious awesomeness of it. 

But I’m not talking about losing things.  I’m talking about things slowly going away.  Like a bar of soap.  Or a sharp razor.  Or hot coffee.  Or frozen ice cream.  Or a cold beer.  Things that slowly slip away from you.  Being in shape.  Not being tired. 

Let’s take my car for instance.  Love my car.  But it is getting a little older.  So whenever the little check oil light comes on, I have a mini panic attack.  Because, it might just be that I need a quart or an oil change, but if I take it in they might find something big wrong with it.

Every time I get my oil changed and my tires checked and the whole car physical taken care of and I drive my little car out of the foreign car hospital, I feel great.  And I know that I don’t have to feel guilty about not taking care of my car anymore.  This makes me happy.   

It is the same way you forget how great it is to have clean sheets on your bed until you change them.  Or how awesome a new bar of soap feels, after having dealt with the little soap sliver.  I think you need the soap sliver to appreciate the new full bar of soap.  You need the hot sip of your beer on the beach to appreciate how awesome the beer you pulled from the bottom of the cooler tastes.  If someone changed the sheets on your bed every day, you might stop appreciating them.  Not that I’m advocating long periods of time between changing your sheets, because I am most definitely not.  And I hope everyone can agree that there are few things worse than cold coffee in your mug.  Sometimes you have to run out of gas to appreciate how easy it is to obtain gasoline (even if it expensive).  Having a cell phone whose battery has a talk life of about 15 minutes means that when I get a new cell phone in a few weeks, I will appreciate the battery life of my new cell phone for at least a few days.  (oh, and I’m going to run over my old phone with my car.  I can’t decide if I want to run over it going forward, or going backwards.  Bizzy and I have been discussing the possibilities, which also include a hammer). 

Sometimes happiness is in the contrast.    

I’m not always real good at saying my prayers at night.  But one thing I do every night, when I get into bed, I have a moment of sheer bliss at the fact that I am in a warm safe bed with lots of pillows and a couple stuffed animals and that I have the opportunity to sleep without interruptions until the morning.  I don’t always appreciate the hot coffee.  Or the cold beer. Or the new soap.  Or the gas station. Or a new razor.  Or my precious ipod shuffle.    But I always appreciate this moment of security and comfort

Sometimes, happiness is in the blankets.

(sometimes, I’m so ADD even I can’t follow my own thoughts.)

Other things appreciated (after conversation with jennifer)-
– a new toothbrush
– a clean car
– sunglasses that don’t slip off your head
–  freshly cut grass
–  new music on ipod
–  a credit card with a $0 balance (as opposed to a debit card with the same balance)
–  a new novel
–  the first bite of a krispy creme doughnut before you start feeling sick
–  new running shoes
–  clean laundry
–  friday afternoon. 

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Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence – H.L. Mencken

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.  – Mark Twain

I sure hope it rains tonight.  I’m sitting in my back yard – drinking a cold beer and watching the dogs frolic.  Actually Briscoe is laying in the grass right now, but she was recently frolicking.  Ahh, imagination.  If you have ever spent much quality time with me, you know my imagination is a blessing and a curse. 

The people who are especially close to me are good at reminding me to keep my imagination in check.  The same part of my mind that allows me to become totally and completely engrossed in a novel or a film or a story (for weeks on end at times), is the same part that wakes me up in a panic at 5 am on sunday morning with black thoughts of how the stupid things that transpired Saturday night will come back to ruin my life. 

I think there is something to be said for being delusional, obviously the name of this blog is evidence of that.  When your love life is not going so well, the one guy who can’t break up with you is the one who doesn’t know y’all are dating (hahaha, I love this joke, it never gets old, and the slight truth in it is enough to always make me smile).  It is when your delusions begin to influence your real life decisions that problems arise.  I like to think I’m not there yet. 

For me, imagination is like the first drink on an empty stomach.  At the end of a long hard week, when you haven’t eaten since noon, it is now 7:30, and you have that first glass of wine with your friends who you have been looking forward to seeing.  It warms you, it cheers you, and it makes you feel as though the whole world is right there with you in all of your problems, difficulties, and successes.  But if you don’t eat dinner soon, if you don’t fill yourself with real sustenance, that next glass of wine is going to knock you into saturday and taint friday night. 

My imagination enhances my reality, it adds depth and perception to the things that are actually affecting me.  But if I’m left too long with my thoughts and my expectations, my grandiose dreams, my idealization of people, places and things….I am setting myself up for disappointment and heartache – things that hurt worse than hangovers. 

I need to go to Colorado in the winter time every once in a while if I’m going to visit there in the summer.  Every summer I come home ready to move.  Every winter I come home and kiss the sweet grass that grows in Georgia in February. 

We talk of fairy tale endings, and storybook romances.  When was the last time you read a fairy tale?  Like a real fairy tale?  Let’s just say they are not as rosy as I remember them being.  The Hans Christian Anderson’s, the real fairy tales, are sad and heartbreaking.  In the actual story of The Little Mermaid – the little mermaid DIES.  The prince chooses the other girl, and the little mermaid dies.  The story tries to tell you that she is better off dead, but still.  Depressing. 

I have a lot of dreams.  Some of them are realistic, some of them aren’t.  Last night I dreamed I was on the TV show entourage.  The night before that I dreamed I was some sort of judge with a black robe and my friend Jennifer was in charge of the courtroom.  My other dreams include owning a cookie store, having lots of babies, traveling the world and taking pictures for national geographic (although at this point I think this is more libby’s dream than mine), practicing law, owning my own company that sold something revolutionary like SPANX, being a landscape architect, and a host of other things. 

Who knows.  Briscoe dreams of a large lake to play in with lots of ice to chew on and tons of stuffed animals to rip to shred.  As the wise Carl Sandberg said – "Nothing happens unless we first Dream."

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