the thin line between optimism and delusion…

How sometimes I can be so damn sensitive and have my feeling hurt so easily and how other times I am able to not take thing personally by recognizing the fact that most people are way more concerned with themselves than they are with me. 

My tendency to talk to myself.  Seriously – this probably needs to stop.  I don’t know why I do it – and most of the time I don’t even realized I’m doing it.  I also have a tendency to sing along to my ipod while I’m running and am often embarrassed when I come upon someone on the trail who catches me singing.  I don’t feel like I can claim to be a normal human being with the habit of talking to myself.  But maybe everyone does it?

I am very confused by the smoothie I drank this morning.  The ingredients listed were appl e juice, fresh bananas, fresh strawberries, red delicious apples, and fresh squeezed  orange juice.  But it also says that each 8 ounce serving has 0.5 grams of fat.  Where does the fat come from?  Is there fat in bananas?  No way.

I twisted my ankle quite badly on Sunday.  It is very sad – but I think I will survive.  I don’t mind being sick  – I’m a hypochondriac as it is – but I HATE being injured.  HATE HATE HATE being injured.  Which I guess is pretty rich considering my track record of injuries.  Growing up I went at everything 900 miles an hour and this led to accidents and unfortunate bodily injury.  Maybe this is why I hate being injured so much. 

I’ve been eating a bowl of pasta I bought at Eatzie’s since Friday night.  I finally succeeded in finishing it all off.  Yay me. 

Have I ever told you how much I love NCIS?  Seriously –  love it. 

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To:  Anyone
From: Charlsie
Re:  …

        I didn’t sleep well last night.  I don’t know what the problem was, I very rarely have a hard time sleeping.  It might have been the fact that I didn’t get out of bed until noon yesterday, but I think this is a poor excuse.  I mean, maybe that would have kept me up till 1 or so – but I didn’t finally drift off to slumber until around 3.  Luckily – I was finishing my novel – The Devil Wears Prada – which I highly recommend. 

I’m so glad it wasn’t pouring down rain when I woke up this morning.  I think I would have started crying.  It poured all day yesterday – and for some reason I am incapable of not getting soaking wet when it is raining like that.  My poor little shoes had to stay home today and recover because they have pneumonia.  They really don’t want to go into the dryer, so hopefully they will be able to recover on their own. 

My ears are ringing today.  Which probably means I’m too ill to be at school.  I’ll chew some gum and see if that makes it better. 

I wonder if Neiman will call on me today?  Hmmmm….I really wouldn’t mind coming to class if I didn’t have to worry about being humiliated in front of 100 of my peers.  Obviously I have a high tolerance for humiliation, but what ev. 

I’m going to Augusta today.  Katie finally found someone to sublease her room, and I have some furniture and stuff in the room that I need to take home.  And Travers and Elizabeth are going to be there this weekend and I haven’t seen them in forever.  Another exciting part of going to augusta is that I can catch up with the tivo all the television I have missed lately.  I know it is hard for you to imagine that I’ve missed any television lately – but the damn networks keep switching everything around for the olympics and american idol and other such nonsense.  But they can’t fool tivo.  Bella and Bo also miss me and want to hang out. 

I love coffee.  Have I ever told you that?  LOVE IT.  I also love chocolate chip cookies. 

What should I eat for lunch today?  Maybe Quiznos?  K-Bob?  Gyro Wrap?  Decisions, decisions.  I’m starving and I still have FOREVER before I get to eat!

Also – the laundry – it is taking over my life. 

Okay – I’m going to pretend to pay attention and read for a class I have in ten minutes.  Let me know how your day is going. 

Kisses –

Charlsie

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A lot of people have been talking about relationships these days.  Betsy always has good things to say. Stewart has been posting up a storm, and expounded on Betsy.  Sherry always has something to offer and great links (Maybe dying alone is underrated). 

 I don’t write much on the old blog about my relationships,
for a few different reasons. In no
particular order:

 
1. When you google my
name, my blog comes up first. This is
just too easy for people to get a hold of my story. 

2. Once you write
things down, they are available for anyone to spread and take out of context.

3. I HATE it when
other people write about my personal relationships on their blogs. 

4. It is so much more
fun to make references that very few people pick up on, more like a
secret. 

5. I wouldn’t want to
go out with someone who I was frightened would write about something stupid I
did online. I would be so nervous.  I would definitely be that disasterous date they were looking for to make all their friends laugh. 

6. Relationships are
fragile and some things are better not discussed. 

7. If you are my
friend, and if you have any business knowing the details of my dating life –
you know I will tell you if you ask me, probably even if you don’t ask me I will tell you, so
there is no need to write it on the blog. 

8. Normally, things
change pretty quickly in my life. 

But today I am willing to make an exception and tell y’all
some vague stuff about my dating life, in the spirit of valentine’s day. 

I am 25 years old, and I have never in my life had a date on
valentine’s day. Now, don’t feel bad for
me, I don’t want anyone to rush out and try to take me out this year just so I
can say I’ve had a date on Valentine’s. I’m
really not complaining, I’m just saying. Obviously, it can be inferred that I’ve never been in a relationship that lasted a whole year.  Nothing close to a year actually.  I’m still unsure about the better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all thing.  I like not having much baggage, even though sometimes I feel like I’ve missed out on some excitement.  I like to think my excitement is yet to come.  But before you label me a freak and decide I must have something wrong with me for being terminally single….

I go out on plenty of dates. I go
out on dates with boys I really like. Not all the time, but sometimes – which is really fun. I also go out with boys I don’t think I am going to like. Sometimes I end up liking them.  Sometimes not.   I go out with boys I’m just not sure about. For the record – I call them all boys,
regardless of whether they are two years younger than me or ten years older.

            I hate it
when people say things like, “If she is so great, why doesn’t she have a
boyfriend.” Or when my friend’s
boyfriends say, “Really Charlsie, why don’t you have a boyfriend? You have so much to offer, I can’t believe
you don’t have a boyfriend.” Or, “I can’t
wait till you find the right person because I’m sure they will have so much to
bring to the table and I know I’m going to get along with him.”

  I know these comments are meant with the best
of intentions, but they still sort of sting. Are they implying that there must be something wrong with me because I
don’t have a boyfriend? Do I need to run
out and get one real quick? Is this
their passive aggressive way of hitting on me? Like, "Hell, honey, don’t feel bad, I’d date you!  Too bad I met your friend first." Is that
suppose to make me feel better? WAIT, WAIT! Am I suppose to be feeling bad about being single? And, if I do find a boyfriend, what if my
friend’s boyfriend doesn’t like my boyfriend? Does that mean I shouldn’t be dating him? Somehow I doubt that everyone is going to
just LOVE the person I end up with. You
can’t please everyone. 

 
    I don’t think there is anything
particularly pathetic about not being in a relationship. I’m fairly entertained. I have old crushes who live in other parts of
the country who call me on occasion. I
have new crushes that live in other parts of the state who call me on occasion. I have been dumped by boys when we weren’t
even dating. I guess you could say I’ve
dumped boys when we weren’t dating. I am
getting pretty good at bouncing back. I’ve
been on blind dates, group dates, weekend dates, drink dates, dinner dates,
football dates, wedding dates, and party dates.

I also don’t think there is anything particularly pathetic about WANTING to be in a relationship.  It is natural to want to fall in love and to be vaguely jealous of people who are head over heels.   I’m not saying that I’m not
looking for a relationship, because I am. I want to find the right person. 
But I’m not looking for a relationship just to be saved from being
single. I can’t wait to know all the
answers about the rest of my life. I can’t
wait to meet the right person.  
    I shouldn’t say, the right person, I should say a right person.  Because I think there could be a lot of right people for me. 

    And maybe I am unreasonably picky.  I’ve been told I expect too much out of people.  Maybe I do.  I have doubts about things working out, and I have bad days, and sometimes it makes me sad because I’m not anyone’s priority.  Sometimes when I’m running I have thoughts like, if I didn’t make it back from this run, how long would it take someone to notice I was missing?  I always tell someone where I’m going, but since I’m not a priority for any one (besides my parents and I don’t talk to them every single day), how long would it take for someone to think it was weird that they hadn’t heard from me?  I’m pretty flaky.  When you are someone’s priority, you don’t have to worry about no one noticing whether or not you come home at night.  It is nice to be a priority.  Also, it is nice to have someone who is your priority. 

 I don’t
want to say that I am cynical, because I really believe that God has a plan in
my life and that I will fall in love with someone amazing and get married and
have children and all that jazz. But I
am also rather cautious when it comes to getting too worked up about boys in
the beginning of relationships. In my
experience, the most crushing part of a relationship – at least at the
beginning – is the loss of the possibility. I love possibility. I revel in
it. I’m a dreamer, and a planner, and I
like to include others in those plans. But I can easily be crushed by my dreams not working out, so I am a bit
like the recovered alcoholic, I prefer to stay in the present and the reality
of my relationships and not think about the future or the possibility, since it only takes one drink to be trouble. Of course, I am a typical girl, so I can’t
say I am capable of completely staying in the moment, but I strive to not let
my imagination run wild. 

  The
interesting thing, when I am actually involved in a relationship, when the boy
is calling me and taking me out and it isn’t something I just wish would happen
or something that is in the past, I am much better at ignoring the future. It is when the moment for the relationship
has passed or when the situation is mostly hopeless and I am still caught up in
it that I resort to dreams and imagination. I guess this makes total sense, but this is the most dangerous thing to
do. Because, if I am making things up in
my head, it is best for me to be constantly confronted by the reality. But when I am constantly confronted with the
reality, I have no need to make things up in my head.  I like
the idea that if you haven’t met the right person yet, you still have that
awesome time ahead of you to meet that person and fall in love and be so
excited about everything. Everyone knows
that anticipation is something to be enjoyed.   But this idea also makes you more likely to jump the gun on thinking it is finally your time to fall in love. 

Some people just let the doubt that
it might not work out for them overshadow the thought that it probably
will. I guess I do that with individual
relationships, I treat the situation as though it might not work out in my mind
as opposed to treating it like it will work out. I wonder what kind of repercussions this sort
of thought process has on my actual relationships.  Another part of this is the longer I know someone, the more I care.  With people in general I think it takes about a year to have everything shake out, and for you to really see what kind of person they are.  Maybe it happens sooner.  Maybe it happens later.  But I think a year is a good time frame for figuring out who someone really is.  So I’m a little skiddish in the beginning.  But I’m an optimist, so I really want boys to be everything good they appear to be.  Also, I have a very full and happy life, so even if a boy is a welcome addition, it might take me a little while to rearrange everything to fit him  in, and he will cost me other things, things that are important to me,  so I need to know he is worth it. 

 I do
believe that I am pretty good about bouncing back, but I’m not sure it is safe
to say that I am good at moving on. I get attached to people pretty easily.  Not necessarily quickly, but easily.  I
don’t do well when people tell me no. I
honestly have a hard time believing that people don’t like me. And I always have fun. I remember one date I went on a few years
ago, the next day I was being grilled about it by two friends, and one friend
asked, “Well, did you have fun?” and the
other friend turned to her and said, “Don’t ask her that, she has fun with her
stuffed animals, especially if wine is involved. Ask her if she wants to hear from him today.”

Because, therein lies the real
question. After I go out on a date, if a
boy doesn’t call me ever again, even if it was a fairly bad date, I still want
him to call me, at least with a follow up call. Even if I don’t want him to ask me out again. But I sure don’t want them to call the next
day. Even boys I think might have
potential don’t have to call me the next day. But if I pick up the phone when you call me the next day, be encouraged.
If I call you back on the same day you leave me a message, be encouraged. I’m not saying that I always pick up the
phone the next day when I like someone or that I always call boys I’m
interested in back on the same day. But
I definitely don’t always pick up the phone or call back, so it is a good sign
if I do.  

Not that I’m very difficult to
read. I am rather compulsively
honest. I don’t hid my feelings very
well. Partially because I have a tendency to come across as
intimidating and partially because I suck at feigning affection. So if I like you, I don’t want you have the
chance to think that I don’t like you, and if I don’t like you, I’m not capable
of pretending that I do.  But, for the
most part, I don’t know what I want, so none of this actually matters until I
make up my mind one way or another, which is rare. So although I can say I’m not difficult to
read, I change my mind a lot when I don’t know what I want, which makes me come
across as difficult to read. 

     Sometimes I think I should have a warning label on my forehead – "DANGER – PROCEED WITH CAUTION!"  or maybe "FLAMMABLE – HANDLE WITH CARE."  But I have sincerely been trying to not be insincere and to cut out the bad habits I have with dating – such as replacing one boy with another one and encouraging boys I’m not interested in simply as an exercise in self esteem ego boosting.  Oh, and I’m desperately trying to not play games with boys who are even more confused about what they want out of a relationship, life, the world, etc than I am.  I need stability.  I will bring the cookies, if the boy will bring the stability. 

Speaking of cookies, as an exercise in not being bitter about valentine’s day, I made sugar cookies in the shape of hearts and I iced them in two different shades of pink.  I’m so domestic.  Faris says I would make a great girlfriend.  I have so much to offer.   I like making these cookies because they take forever and taste amazing and really are a labor of love, and there is nothing hallmark or commercialized about them.  They really aren’t even that pretty. 

I apologize for all of these thoughts being rather unorganized and confusing, but that is kind of where I am right now.  Kisses. 

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I don’t know if I would say that it is my happiest moment of every day – but it wouldn’t be a stretch.  And it is definitely my most consistently happy moment. 

I LOVE the moment before you go to sleep – once you are in bed – and have finished reading, or watching tv. or talking on the phone, after you have turned the light off and you snuggle down into the covers and think about the fact that you are finally in bed for the night.  It doesn’t matter if I have been laying in bed all day playing sick – that moment of turning off the light and burrowing in affords me a great deal of happiness. 

Of course – the best is when you have been ridiculously busy and are bone tired and have finally made it home.  And second to that is when you have been out at night and wanting to go home and someone finally agrees to take a cab home with you or volunteers to drive you home and like magic you are safe and sound in bed and not out worried about how you are going to get home and whether or not it might take you two hours.  Because I don’t like to drive home after I have been out at the bar.  It is very bad judgment. 

I made some vegetable soup tonight.  It tasted pretty good – maybe a little bland – but I am hoping that it will be even better tomorrow.  I totally burned my mouth on it – it took so long to cook and I was so hungry I kind of lost patience and now I am paying for it. 

In other news – I am happy to report that the whole town of Athens didn’t wash away under a flash flood this afternoon.  I have never seen such rain before in my life – it was very annoying.  I bet the trails are all washed to hell and back.  Gah. 

So – I am caught up on this new season of 24 which makes me very happy for a couple of reasons.  First – it is a good show and fun to watch.  Second – because everyone I know – okay – every boy I know and a lot of girls- is obsessed with it – and I hate to be missing out of something so exciting – I’m a sheep. 

Everyone say a little prayer that I don’t wake up in the morning sick.  Something is going around and I’m a hypochondriac. 

Oh – so I watched the Pride and Prejudice miniseries from 1995 or something today and yesterday.  Jennifer and I have been discussing the characters in this oh so awesome story at great lengths lately.  She says that I am like Jane because I always want to think the best of people and I’m always optimistic to a fault about people’s intentions.  And I just had an epiphany about what this means if it is true, or what it might mean. 

So here is my question – and I would love everyone’s opinion on the situation.  If I am the kind of person who genuinely likes almost everyone – do you not believe me when I tell you someone is awesome and that you will love them?  Like – if you are my friend and I tell you about one of my other friends who lives somewhere else or who you don’t know – and I tell you this other friend is great and you should get excited about meeting them – do you believe me?  Or do you think in the back of your mind – what ev – Charlsie likes everyone – we will see if they are really that great?   Does my recommendation hold any weight?  Or is it tainted by my lack of discretion with my affections? 

I’m not sure about that – but I have observed that when I don’t like someone – people tend to take note of it because I like everyone and I must have a good reason for disliking this particular person if I make such enormous allowances for everyone else.

But I would like to use my powers for good as well as evil.  What do you think?

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Since I’m incapable of studying for my finals, and because I don’t want to take a shower like I need to – I thought I would unload some of my thoughts on you. 

Yesterday I went to one of the most fun football games I have ever attended.  And I want you to all appreciate this statement, because I have been to more football games than the average avid sports fan.  Don’t argue with me, I’ve been to at least as many games as you have – the only way you have been to more than me is if you are much older than me.  Yeah, yesterday when the Bulldawgs stomped all over LSU, I was there, and I was having a blast.  Before the game I thought that going to the game was probably a very bad idea seeing as how I have a great deal of school work due this week – but after the game I realized that it was all totally worth it. 

Speaking of all the football games I have been to – I realized yesterday while at the Georgia Dome that I am completely comfortable in a football stadium – actually most any sports complex – and when I say comfortable – I mean completely and totally at home and calm.  I have a hard time recognizing that there is a world outside when I am in a stadium.  It is kind of like how I feel safe when I am in the law library during finals – because I know that the library is where I am suppose to be and it is nice to know you are where you are suppose to be, even if it is just for a little while. 

I hope that this time next year I am somewhere that I am suppose to be.  At some point I need to decide what I am going to do after I take the bar.  Right now I am definitely not going to practice law – but I am in the middle of finals so I recognize that I might not have the best perspective.  Regardless – I have a hard time imagining myself ever truly enjoying practicing law.

Law school has been a tremendous experience for me – I have made wonderful friends and I have been overall very happy with the past few years.  I think at this point I might do it over again if I had to.  All of last year I would have sworn that I would rather flip burgers at mcdonalds for the rest of my life rather than repeat first year of law school, but I think as time moves on I have a hard time remembering how terrible it was, and as such, might consider doing it again, to get where I am today. 

I watched a documentary on Leonardo Da Vinci tonight, just the first half because I had to watch grey’s anatomy – but they talked about how Leonardo had a very difficult time finishing projects.  That as soon as he could reason through the idea of something, in his mind, he was finished.  They said he probably had ADD or something – but his inability to finish projects kept him from being reliable to clients and hurt his business.  They said he never finished the Mona Lisa – and worked on it for years – and the only reason it looks the way it does now is because he died.  I think Leonardo and I would have been friends.  I have a very hard time finishing things.  I think it would have taken me an extended period of time to graduate from college if I hadn’t been forced to graduate in time to go to law school.  Even so I didn’t graduate from college until three days after law school started. 

So I guess it is understandable that I am having such senioritis right now – I have been in school for the last 21 years of my life.  And I’m only 25.  And this is the end of it.  The one and only thing I do know about my future is that I will NEVER go back to school.  I have no desire to ever be in school ever again.  If I hadn’t gone to law school I think I would always have considered going back to school.  So I guess that is one thing I can cross off my list of things to do with my life. 

Basically I am going to have a really hard time with the next 8 months – I’m going to have a hard time finishing up my mere 9 hours of credit I have left – and then I’m going to have a very hard time when I have to take the bar.  I can’t justify not taking the bar, even if I don’t want to practice.  If I’ve been here for three years, what is three more months, regardless of how terrible they are?

Okay, that is enough ranting about my future – here are some other thoughts I’ve had recently:

–  I have no concept of how long it takes to get everywhere in the ATL.  I always end up being at least a half an hour late everywhere I am suppose to be when I’m in the ATL. 

–  I went to Toys R Us yesterday to look for something for a baby shower.  I have never in my entire life been so disappointed by any store in my life.  Most of the toys frightened me, and beyond the board games, everything just seemed so cheap and gaudy.  I saw no fewer than five different toys – from stuffed animals to barbies which had the phrase "bling bling" on them.  Seriously.  I thought I could at least get a soft cuddly stuffed animals – but I was sadly mistaken.  There were no regular stuffed animals, they all made noise or lit up or shook or sang or talked.  I might could have handled that.  But they were all made out of what felt like to me the cheapest material I have ever felt in my entire life. 

–  I didn’t realized how important this whole no smoking in the bars thing is.  Since you can’t smoke in the bars in Athens anymore – I’ve gotten used to not being exposed to a lot of second hand smoke.  I went out friday and saturday night in the ATL and I woke up this morning with the black lung.  Seriously.  I haven’t been able to talk all day.  I did kind of have a cold previously – and I did yell a lot at the game – but there is definitely a correlation between my condition and the second hand smoke I inhaled this weekend.  It really kind of scares me. 

–  I’m kind of lonely here in athens.  My apartment is lonely.  My friends are starting to scatter to a certain degree.  Obviously I require more human interaction than most people, but that doesn’t change how I feel.  Maybe I’m already having separation anxiety for the town in general.  Maybe I just need a dog. 

–  My car needs a bath.  And I do too. 

Good night my darlings.  Kisses. 

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At one point in time, years ago, when Emily and I were new friends, Emily was obsessed with wind chimes, and she gave me a small wind chime, it is a red wooden star with small chimes hanging off of it.  I had it hanging on my bedside lamp for years and years and years.  But when I moved into my current apartment, I hung it on my ceiling fan. 

I hadn’t ever had a ceiling fan before I moved into my current apartment.  Ceiling fans are interesting.  I don’t like regular fans, especially when I am sleeping, because they blow my hair into my face and this is bothersome.  But a ceiling fan has a more regulated flow, and less likely to blow my hair into my face, so I kind of like my ceiling fan now, after a period of adjustment.  But never on the highest level. 

Turning my ceiling fan on the highest level is annoying for the above mentioned reason of the hair in the face, and also because it makes a lot of noise, even without my wind chimes. 

The amazing thing about my wind chime is that on the middle level of the ceiling fan, the fan doesn’t disturb the wind chime.  You might wonder why I would have the chimes on the fan at all.  I really enjoy it when I turn my light on and off at night to hear the chimes, because pulling on the cord to the fan is the only time the chimes are disturbed, unless of course I run into them with my head for some reason, which also makes me smile. 

I’ve had people stay in my room before who felt the need to take the wind chimes down.  Maybe they like the fan on the highest setting.  Maybe they didn’t give the chimes a chance to not make noise and preemptively took them down.

But regardless, on a regular basis I am amazing that the wind chimes hanging from my ceiling fan are not disturbed when the fan is on.  Isn’t that cool?  Isn’t that reason enough to have them hanging there? 

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What did we do with computers before the internet?  Seriously, what was the point?  Do you remember your first apple that had the sticky bear game and the huge floppy disks?  I loved sticky bear. 

How come more people don’t wear swatch watches?  I mean, I think they are the greatest, but I don’t think enough people appreciate them. 

Why are chocolate chip cookies so awesome?  I mean, gah.  They make me really super happy. 

Jennifer and I have 79 mutual friends on the facebook.  Emily and I have 72 mutual friends. 

I hope you all realize all the amazing television coming on tonight – NCIS at 8, House at 9, and Boston Legal at 10.  Seriously.  I have a major crush on the television these days.  Maybe because I live by myself.  Or maybe because movies have gone downhill. 

I went to the movies on sunday night with my parents, we went to see Weatherman, and it was honestly the worst movie we have ever seen.  We left in the middle of it.  Like, my parents go to movie ever sunday night – mostly for the popcorn.  They love all movies and they NEVER leave a movie.  I think I have maybe left three movies in my whole life and never with my parents.  And we left this movie.  It was TERRIBLE.  Don’t waste your time or money, you would do better just to drive to the health department and sit around, maybe get a shot,  or watch katrina and tsunami coverage on tivo.  It couldn’t be more depressing than this movie. 

Have movies gone downhill because television is so great these days or is television so great these days because movies suck?  I’m expecting more from the holiday batch of movies.  I want to see Capote – I can’t wait, it looks so creepy, and I want to see Harry Potter, and Pride and Prejudice, and Chicken Little, and Narnia,(hah, all my favorite books, the sky is falling)  and some other ones I can’t think of right now.

I met some of Betsy’s friends last night and they were really cool.  Her friend Aaron, now my friend Aaron, made my night by telling me he was a fan of my blog.  Seriously, this always makes me happy.   Of course, seeing Betsy also always makes me happy.   

Bible study last night was great.  I was kind of in a funk, and feeling pretty antisocial, but it was a really good night, and I really love everyone who comes, I am just very thankful that God has done so much with the group.  I felt so much better when I got home.  It is really an awesome group and I am very blessed to be a part of it. 

I think I am going to make it to all my classes today, only one more left (even if it does last three hours).  Tuesday is my worst day and I only have two more tuesdays left this semester after I make it through this one, so I’m going to fight through it.  I’m really quite proud of myself for staying at school all day, I have been talking myself off the cliff of going home and getting into the bed all day.  I’m still dreaming about my bed, I can’t wait to get back into it. 

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If I contrast today, with yesterday and Tuesday, today has been terribly unsuccessful.  On Tuesday I went to six hours of class, ran 3 miles, went to the grocery store, cooked dinner, unloaded and reloaded my dishwasher, did two loads of laundry, and watched the television shows I wanted to watch.  Yesterday was mildly less productive, but I was at school from 8:30-6:30, and so I didn’t have time to run, but I did change my sheets on my bed and another load of laundry. 

But let’s talk about the unproductive things I’ve done since 7 pm last night.

#1.  I locked myself out of my house.  While taking the trash out.  Now, I know what you are thinking, that takes a special kind of stupid.  Yes, I recognize this fact.  But, I was talking on the phone, and I wasn’t paying attention, and what do you know, I’m locked out. 

Getting back into my apartment was a bit of a trick, because Ali and Chris have a key, and Cristina has a key, but Cristina was in the ATL, and Chris was in Chattanooga, and Ali was at their house without a car.  My lifesaver in all of this was Katie Jackson, who was sweet enough to come pick me up and take me to Ali’s house and bring me home.  I mean, honestly, Katie has had to drive me around a lot lately, she is a saint. 

One of the worst noises in the world is the click of your house door closing behind you a split second after you realize that the door is locked. 

#2.  I left my pocketbook in class this morning.  While leaving class, I was chatting with Lauren and I said, you know, I feel like I’m leaving something, but I don’t think I am!  And we laughed about how we carry around so much stuff that when we don’t have our arms full we feel like we are forgetting something.  But, turns out, I was actually leaving something.  Something fairly important. 

Once I realized it, the next class had started, and I knew it was a first year class, and when I opened the door, I heard a woman’s voice.  It was in a room where there is a hallway to get to the room, kind of like a movie theater.  I didn’t have any female teachers first year, and the only 1L female teacher I know is very strict and would not appreciate me interrupting her class.  Most of the teachers I know wouldn’t have minded, which is why I would have risked it if it had been a male voice, but since it wasn’t, I didn’t think it was safe.  I even made Christy stick her head in the door and listen to see if she thought it was the scary teacher, but we couldn’t be sure, so I didn’t risk it. 

Instead, Christy bought me lunch and I had to interrupt the next class, because we didn’t make it back in time for the break. 

Of course, all of this is on top of the lost ATM card of a few weeks ago.  I’m telling you, I need a keeper.  Someone needs to look out for me.  Follow me around and pick stuff up that I drop. 

But, the whole point of this post was to tell you that I haven’t done anything productive today, but I have had lots of human interaction with some humans that I like a lot, and I think that makes today more productive than the other two days. 

Actually, I think you need both kinds of day, and I hope that I can keep a balance of the two successful days from now on, and not ever see a day as a waste. 

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(this is me giving myself a pep talk, I like to give pep talks, as those of you who hang out with me can attest to, and sometimes I need a pep talk just as bad as anyone.  If you need a pep talk, come find me). 

Sometimes the day after I drink, I have a really hard time sleeping in the morning.  This is especially true if I have been getting up early in the morning anyway.  And, alcohol being the depressant that it is, has a tendency to make the first few minutes of being awake against my will unpleasant.  Friday morning I thought it would be okay if I just never got out of bed, that I could just sleep for the whole weekend and no one would even notice or care, and besides, I was never going to drink a drop of alcohol ever again anyway.  Granted, these bouts of depression are intensified by my flair for the dramatics, and never last more that a few moments, but they have gotten me thinking. 

Last week, Megan wrote about Sunday Depression.  I think it is important that we all discuss this depression problem because it makes me feel unbalanced and I hate nothing more than feeling unbalanced, but it does make me feel better that it affects a lot of people.  It isn’t all about the alcohol either, the alcohol just intensifies it.  And she quoted me as saying that going to church on Sunday makes me feel better about my Sunday Depression.  The depression really isn’t localized on Sunday, it happens other times too, but as Megan pointed out, the reason it seems so bad on Sunday is because you don’t have anything else to do but sit around and think about anything stupid you might have done, or any little rejection you might have suffered, or any little mistake you made for the entire week.  And, although I do believe that self evaluation is important, wallowing is not healthy. 

Last February I was in Steamboat Springs Colorado visiting friends, and the altitude and alcohol really hit me hard the first night we were there and I ended up going home early because I had overdone it a little, and I think I might have even started a fight with one of my friends that night.  I was "that girl" that night.  Regardless, it is one morning that I remember waking up and feeling terrible.  Not just because I thought my head was going to explode if I didn’t keep my body horizontal, but also because I had acted in a way that made me unhappy, with people that I cared a lot about and didn’t get to see very often, and I was very disappointed in myself. 

But I didn’t have time to sit and dwell on this (dwelling is one of my problems), because I had to suck it up and drink some coffee and face my friends and go skiing.  That day, while on the ski lift, I realized a few things.  I realized that my friends didn’t actually care, and were happy to be on the slopes with me.  I rediscovered how beautiful the earth is, and how great God is to make it so amazingly awesome.  I realized that had I layed around all day I would still feel almost as bad as I did when I woke up, instead of feelings 1000 times better.  And I realized that the past shouldn’t taint the present.  This is something I have a hard time with, not just with myself, but with people in general.  I’m judgmental about how someone’s past should affect them now.  I say things like, "I’d never get over it if I did ______." But I really hope this isn’t true.   

I hope that I’m capable of moving on.  I hope that I can make it through the mistakes of my life.  Because I’m going to make them.  I am very risk averse and I don’t like to make mistakes.  It isn’t that I refuse to be wrong, it isn’t about being wrong.  I don’t like being wrong, but making mistakes is different. 

Back to the fact that going to church makes me feel better on Sundays, it is more than the fact that it gets me out of bed and makes me brush my hair and see my friends.  It is about being given a second chance.  I am reaffirmed every Sunday morning that God is working on me. I know God loves me and Christ loves me, and that I can’t do anything to change that, but I don’t think I live as though I believe that.  I need to be reminded.  Over and over again. 

I was listening to a praise song in the car that said "Come as you are" in part of the chorus.  And I realized that I have a hard time with God’s invitation to come as you are.  I struggle accepting this invitation.  I would like to get my act together on my own a little bit more before I come.  Which is obviously why I get so frustrated, because I think I can do it on my own, and I can’t.  And all that happens is that I feel like I’ve failed because I can’t do it on my own.  Which is so silly, because I’m not suppose to be able to do it by myself.  And going to church on Sunday helps me put things in perspective. 

So here is my new perspective.  I refuse to let my shortcomings and my struggles impede my strengths and prevent me from fully giving of the things I have to offer.  I’m not going to dwell on and/or blow out of proportion the ups and downs of life.  I have also been a bit jaded lately, which is also going to stop now, I’m going to remember that being optimistic and thinking the best of people and situations is the only way I can be happy, even if it means that I am much more likely to get hurt and disappointed in the process. 

Lastly, I am going to learn how to be happy (not that I’m not happy, just kind of restless) here in Athens Georgia right now, I’m here for a reason, and when my reason for being here runs out, I will have a reason to be somewhere else, and it isn’t imperative that I know the location of that somewhere else.  I really do love it here, and I want to soak it all up for as long as possible. 

p.s. I’m going to start taking my adderall again in the right dose, it really does so much for my ability to focus, and going for weeks without ever being able to focus on anything raises my stress level tremendously and wears on me slowly, until I hit a point where I start to be unhappy.  I get such a release from focusing – and I forget how good it feels to focus when I haven’t been taking adderall.  Plus, it will make me cut down on my caffeine consumption.

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These are my wishes, and this has no bearing on how much I actually appreciate, I’ll do an appreciation post some other time, right now I am being completely detached and thinking about things I WISH.  Not things I NEED or even WANT.  Just passing fancies.  Just grandiose desires. 

I wish there was a way that I could hear the crickets and the frogs and the rhythmic summertime song going on outside my window without opening my window.  See, it is really hot, even at night, and opening a window is just not a good idea.  This really bothers me.  I want to be able to open the window. 

I wish I had a front porch on my apartment. 

I wish I knew the boys that were sitting on their front stoop their apartment  in my apartment complex drinking a beer when I got back from running today.  One of them was holding a law book, but I didn’t know them.  If I knew they were 1Ls I would introduce myself, but I couldn’t read the spine of the book.  But I wanted someone to sit on the stoop and drink a beer with this afternoon.  I had a long day.  I even had my own beer. 

I wish I was better at getting up in the morning.  I have class at 8:30 tomorrow. 

I wish I was more comfortable with uncertainty. 

I wish my friends were more comfortable with uncertainty. 

I wish gas didn’t cost so much. 

I wish it wasn’t so difficult to forgive yourself. 

I wish I had a picture iPod and XM radio. 

I wish Georgia would win the national championship for my last season as a student. 

I wish someone would clean my room for me. 

I wish I was more grounded in reality. 

I wish I lived on a lake in the mountains.  Lake Rabun, Lake Burton, Grand Lake, I don’t really care, just on a lake in the mountains.  (mmmm, lake rabun and burton have the best tasting water…)

I wish I never got wacky tan lines. i.e. places you missed with the sunscreen.   I hate tan lines.  But being tan is fun.  V. bad for you, but fun. 

I wish every town in America had a Bojangles. 

I wish someone would dry my hair for me in the morning while I was still asleep. 

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a rabbit in hat…..

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