A lot of people have been talking about relationships these days. Betsy always has good things to say. Stewart has been posting up a storm, and expounded on Betsy. Sherry always has something to offer and great links (Maybe dying alone is underrated).
I don’t write much on the old blog about my relationships,
for a few different reasons. In no
particular order:
1. When you google my
name, my blog comes up first. This is
just too easy for people to get a hold of my story.
2. Once you write
things down, they are available for anyone to spread and take out of context.
3. I HATE it when
other people write about my personal relationships on their blogs.
4. It is so much more
fun to make references that very few people pick up on, more like a
secret.
5. I wouldn’t want to
go out with someone who I was frightened would write about something stupid I
did online. I would be so nervous. I would definitely be that disasterous date they were looking for to make all their friends laugh.
6. Relationships are
fragile and some things are better not discussed.
7. If you are my
friend, and if you have any business knowing the details of my dating life –
you know I will tell you if you ask me, probably even if you don’t ask me I will tell you, so
there is no need to write it on the blog.
8. Normally, things
change pretty quickly in my life.
But today I am willing to make an exception and tell y’all
some vague stuff about my dating life, in the spirit of valentine’s day.
I am 25 years old, and I have never in my life had a date on
valentine’s day. Now, don’t feel bad for
me, I don’t want anyone to rush out and try to take me out this year just so I
can say I’ve had a date on Valentine’s. I’m
really not complaining, I’m just saying. Obviously, it can be inferred that I’ve never been in a relationship that lasted a whole year. Nothing close to a year actually. I’m still unsure about the better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all thing. I like not having much baggage, even though sometimes I feel like I’ve missed out on some excitement. I like to think my excitement is yet to come. But before you label me a freak and decide I must have something wrong with me for being terminally single….
I go out on plenty of dates. I go
out on dates with boys I really like. Not all the time, but sometimes – which is really fun. I also go out with boys I don’t think I am going to like. Sometimes I end up liking them. Sometimes not. I go out with boys I’m just not sure about. For the record – I call them all boys,
regardless of whether they are two years younger than me or ten years older.
I hate it
when people say things like, “If she is so great, why doesn’t she have a
boyfriend.” Or when my friend’s
boyfriends say, “Really Charlsie, why don’t you have a boyfriend? You have so much to offer, I can’t believe
you don’t have a boyfriend.” Or, “I can’t
wait till you find the right person because I’m sure they will have so much to
bring to the table and I know I’m going to get along with him.”
I know these comments are meant with the best
of intentions, but they still sort of sting. Are they implying that there must be something wrong with me because I
don’t have a boyfriend? Do I need to run
out and get one real quick? Is this
their passive aggressive way of hitting on me? Like, "Hell, honey, don’t feel bad, I’d date you! Too bad I met your friend first." Is that
suppose to make me feel better? WAIT, WAIT! Am I suppose to be feeling bad about being single? And, if I do find a boyfriend, what if my
friend’s boyfriend doesn’t like my boyfriend? Does that mean I shouldn’t be dating him? Somehow I doubt that everyone is going to
just LOVE the person I end up with. You
can’t please everyone.
I don’t think there is anything
particularly pathetic about not being in a relationship. I’m fairly entertained. I have old crushes who live in other parts of
the country who call me on occasion. I
have new crushes that live in other parts of the state who call me on occasion. I have been dumped by boys when we weren’t
even dating. I guess you could say I’ve
dumped boys when we weren’t dating. I am
getting pretty good at bouncing back. I’ve
been on blind dates, group dates, weekend dates, drink dates, dinner dates,
football dates, wedding dates, and party dates.
I also don’t think there is anything particularly pathetic about WANTING to be in a relationship. It is natural to want to fall in love and to be vaguely jealous of people who are head over heels. I’m not saying that I’m not
looking for a relationship, because I am. I want to find the right person.
But I’m not looking for a relationship just to be saved from being
single. I can’t wait to know all the
answers about the rest of my life. I can’t
wait to meet the right person.
I shouldn’t say, the right person, I should say a right person. Because I think there could be a lot of right people for me.
And maybe I am unreasonably picky. I’ve been told I expect too much out of people. Maybe I do. I have doubts about things working out, and I have bad days, and sometimes it makes me sad because I’m not anyone’s priority. Sometimes when I’m running I have thoughts like, if I didn’t make it back from this run, how long would it take someone to notice I was missing? I always tell someone where I’m going, but since I’m not a priority for any one (besides my parents and I don’t talk to them every single day), how long would it take for someone to think it was weird that they hadn’t heard from me? I’m pretty flaky. When you are someone’s priority, you don’t have to worry about no one noticing whether or not you come home at night. It is nice to be a priority. Also, it is nice to have someone who is your priority.
I don’t
want to say that I am cynical, because I really believe that God has a plan in
my life and that I will fall in love with someone amazing and get married and
have children and all that jazz. But I
am also rather cautious when it comes to getting too worked up about boys in
the beginning of relationships. In my
experience, the most crushing part of a relationship – at least at the
beginning – is the loss of the possibility. I love possibility. I revel in
it. I’m a dreamer, and a planner, and I
like to include others in those plans. But I can easily be crushed by my dreams not working out, so I am a bit
like the recovered alcoholic, I prefer to stay in the present and the reality
of my relationships and not think about the future or the possibility, since it only takes one drink to be trouble. Of course, I am a typical girl, so I can’t
say I am capable of completely staying in the moment, but I strive to not let
my imagination run wild.
The
interesting thing, when I am actually involved in a relationship, when the boy
is calling me and taking me out and it isn’t something I just wish would happen
or something that is in the past, I am much better at ignoring the future. It is when the moment for the relationship
has passed or when the situation is mostly hopeless and I am still caught up in
it that I resort to dreams and imagination. I guess this makes total sense, but this is the most dangerous thing to
do. Because, if I am making things up in
my head, it is best for me to be constantly confronted by the reality. But when I am constantly confronted with the
reality, I have no need to make things up in my head. I like
the idea that if you haven’t met the right person yet, you still have that
awesome time ahead of you to meet that person and fall in love and be so
excited about everything. Everyone knows
that anticipation is something to be enjoyed. But this idea also makes you more likely to jump the gun on thinking it is finally your time to fall in love.
Some people just let the doubt that
it might not work out for them overshadow the thought that it probably
will. I guess I do that with individual
relationships, I treat the situation as though it might not work out in my mind
as opposed to treating it like it will work out. I wonder what kind of repercussions this sort
of thought process has on my actual relationships. Another part of this is the longer I know someone, the more I care. With people in general I think it takes about a year to have everything shake out, and for you to really see what kind of person they are. Maybe it happens sooner. Maybe it happens later. But I think a year is a good time frame for figuring out who someone really is. So I’m a little skiddish in the beginning. But I’m an optimist, so I really want boys to be everything good they appear to be. Also, I have a very full and happy life, so even if a boy is a welcome addition, it might take me a little while to rearrange everything to fit him in, and he will cost me other things, things that are important to me, so I need to know he is worth it.
I do
believe that I am pretty good about bouncing back, but I’m not sure it is safe
to say that I am good at moving on. I get attached to people pretty easily. Not necessarily quickly, but easily. I
don’t do well when people tell me no. I
honestly have a hard time believing that people don’t like me. And I always have fun. I remember one date I went on a few years
ago, the next day I was being grilled about it by two friends, and one friend
asked, “Well, did you have fun?” and the
other friend turned to her and said, “Don’t ask her that, she has fun with her
stuffed animals, especially if wine is involved. Ask her if she wants to hear from him today.”
Because, therein lies the real
question. After I go out on a date, if a
boy doesn’t call me ever again, even if it was a fairly bad date, I still want
him to call me, at least with a follow up call. Even if I don’t want him to ask me out again. But I sure don’t want them to call the next
day. Even boys I think might have
potential don’t have to call me the next day. But if I pick up the phone when you call me the next day, be encouraged.
If I call you back on the same day you leave me a message, be encouraged. I’m not saying that I always pick up the
phone the next day when I like someone or that I always call boys I’m
interested in back on the same day. But
I definitely don’t always pick up the phone or call back, so it is a good sign
if I do.
Not that I’m very difficult to
read. I am rather compulsively
honest. I don’t hid my feelings very
well. Partially because I have a tendency to come across as
intimidating and partially because I suck at feigning affection. So if I like you, I don’t want you have the
chance to think that I don’t like you, and if I don’t like you, I’m not capable
of pretending that I do. But, for the
most part, I don’t know what I want, so none of this actually matters until I
make up my mind one way or another, which is rare. So although I can say I’m not difficult to
read, I change my mind a lot when I don’t know what I want, which makes me come
across as difficult to read.
Sometimes I think I should have a warning label on my forehead – "DANGER – PROCEED WITH CAUTION!" or maybe "FLAMMABLE – HANDLE WITH CARE." But I have sincerely been trying to not be insincere and to cut out the bad habits I have with dating – such as replacing one boy with another one and encouraging boys I’m not interested in simply as an exercise in self esteem ego boosting. Oh, and I’m desperately trying to not play games with boys who are even more confused about what they want out of a relationship, life, the world, etc than I am. I need stability. I will bring the cookies, if the boy will bring the stability.
Speaking of cookies, as an exercise in not being bitter about valentine’s day, I made sugar cookies in the shape of hearts and I iced them in two different shades of pink. I’m so domestic. Faris says I would make a great girlfriend. I have so much to offer. I like making these cookies because they take forever and taste amazing and really are a labor of love, and there is nothing hallmark or commercialized about them. They really aren’t even that pretty.
I apologize for all of these thoughts being rather unorganized and confusing, but that is kind of where I am right now. Kisses.
the thin line between optimism and delusion... 