the thin line between optimism and delusion…

I am afraid of my Evidence teacher – Carlson. Well, afraid is wrong. I care. A feeling I haven’t had since first semester of last year.  This class makes me nervous. I think part of it is that I wish I could be good in the court room, but my nerves get the best of me. And Carlson conducts class like a courtroom – lots of role playing, etc. And I get nervous. I still of course volunteer – it is compulsive, but my heart starts to beat faster, and I can’t breath, and I kinda tremble. I’m going to make one hell of a litigator.

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While driving down the road this morning on the way to school, I realized a few things. The first one was that I had left my water bottle in the sink – full and ready to go. The next was that I had no idea where I was even going, since I didn’t bother to check the class schedule for room assignments and a quick glance at the clock indicated that I was going to be late, wherever I was headed. In addition, I didn’t have my mobile so I couldn’t call anyone and obtain room assignment because I left my phone at Jessica Faye’s house last night.

I know I have said this before, but I really do hope that one day I am able to be a fully functional adult.

Now that I am at school, I have discovered that I have no willpower. And no concentration. And this has to stop. From now on I am going to be super useful and productive. I am going to do my homework and get my act together. I am not going to do these things because I think they will help me get a good grade (I’m not that naive), I am going to do them because I need some sort of gauge in my life to tell me that I’m not lazy and that I am capable of finishing a task. I know I’m not going to make a list and check things off – mostly because I don’t believe in lists and also because I would probably lose the list (which would be detrimental to the entire process and just be another failure). I’ve got to get some order in my life, otherwise I will have bad self esteem concerning my place in this world.

And we all know bad self esteem is the root of most evils.

From now on – productivity simply because it will make me a happier and more fulfilled individual. And I like being happy and fulfilled.

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Maybe I should go slide down the banister. It might make me feel better.

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sometimes I like to write things in my exams that are completely superfluous – like this:

when I think there is a good chance that what I have said is wrong:
"I am pretty sure that ‘issue’ includes the spouse of the dead person (and/or Testator/Decedent)."

Know what? spouse is not included in issue. points off. In addition – my teacher doesn’t care whether I am "pretty sure" or not.

Or when I have no idea but it just sounds really bad:
"I do not think that Chemical, Inc. should be penalized for reusing methylene chloride obtained from stripped paint in bubble christmas lights because this has to be better than making more methylene chloride in addition to the methylene chloride that is already in existence in the stripped paint."

Know what? My teacher doesn’t give a damn about what I think. Never start a sentence in an exam with "I think." It is like when you order at a restaurant – don’t say, "Can I have…", because this is a pretty dumb questions when you are looking at a menu. Of course you can have – that is the point of the restaurant. The only place "can I have" is appropriate is at some soul food or bar-b-q restaurant where they only cook a certain amount and when they run out, you are out of luck. "I think.." is only appropriate when you are talking to someone who cares about you as an individual and about your opinion (maybe your mom?). When grading your exam – your law professor does not care about you as an individual or about your opinion.

When I have a minute left in an exam and I don’t have any thoughts that can be articulated in a minute but I don’t want to spend the last minute before my exam cuts off staring at the screen:

"To conclude, it was negligent of Chemical Inc to not warn their non-english speaking workers about the dangers associated with radio active waste, because it is dangerous and the workers didn’t know it was radio active, but it doesn’t really matter because in georgia not warning isn’t enou…" (at which point the computer beeps, and cuts off, sealing my fate as a below average student).

If I was a professor I might be tempted to take off points for stupid reiteration of obvious facts stated in the problem. But as a student – I would hate a professor for doing this. I get nervous, and sometimes typing something – any thing – especially something that isn’t "wrong" even if it isn’t right – makes me feel better.

I’m having problems getting my life together tonight. I have so much more of my business crimes take home exam to go. I have got to get a grip on my attention. Why oh why do I think I will be able to pay attention for 17 hours straight on the last night of finals when I can’t pay attention for three hours straight during a regular school day?

Brrrrrrrrr -it is cold outside. I love black’s law dictionary. any legal term not in black’s law doesn’t count as far as I’m concerned (and I mean the pocket edition). This leaves out all kinds of legal terms. What a happy thought. Ignoring legal terms. Pretending them away. How do you feel about the misappropriation theory of security fraud? Pretty messed up, huh? I think the criminals in business crimes today are the federal prosecutors. Oh, and the enron people that ruined all those people’s lives by destroying their retirement funds. I think I am going to go wander around.

In other news, this time tomorrow I will be drinking something alcoholic – most likely a beer. Mmmmmmm, happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts……I would burn my books but I think according to what I learned in environmental law I might exceed my daily allowed load of ash pollution.

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For some reason this week – I have had lots of thoughts about things to write – but I have been uninspired to actually write. I think this is probably unhealthy – it probably adds to my suppressed individual status. But these are some things that have been going through my head.

Phrase I would have liked to have worked into my environmental law exam:

People criticize CERCLA for cleaning too inefficiently – “protecting non-existing dirt-eating children." I love that. non-existing dirt eating children.

How professors really grade your exams – don’t worry – they actually put a lot of thought into it. (idea stolen from Alex):

Professor sitting alone in office – dramatic music playing in the background. He shuffles through the papers – identified only by the 4 digit random number.
0426 – daughter’s birthday – A
7654 – amount wasted on son’s tuition at college last semester – C
5346 – last four digits of social – A+
3865 – last four digits of ex-wife’s social – D
1229 – today’s date – B

and so on and so on…..

Sample Question from my Workers Comp exam:

Johnny is working on a punch press in Detroit. Johnny doesn’t wear safety goggles and his employer – Disaster Inc – has rigged up his machine to bypass the safety features installed by the manufacturer – Prudence Inc – because it allows Johnny to work faster and this benefits Disaster. Johnny cuts his hand off in the punch press after showing up to work drunk and while joking around with co-worker Dave. What can Johnny do about his lost arm.
A. Nothing – shouldn’t come to work drunk – no workers comp and no tort case.
B. Johnny can sue Disaster and Prudence in tort and send them into bankruptcy.
C. Johnny can cut Dave’s hand off.
D. Johnny can blow up the whole plant

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I have muscles in my left arm that I never knew existed. I only now know that they exist because the way I have been typing for the past week has aggravated said muscles. It isn’t carpal tunnel, it isn’t my wrist. It is my muscle – mostly the muscles that control my pinky and ring finger. And maybe my thumb.

In other news – I am learning of other muscles due to the spinning class from Wednesday night and the 4.5 mile run I subjected myself to yesterday. Or maybe the handstands from Thursday. I think these experiences also exposed parts of my lungs that have previously been neglected. Why do finals turn me into a masochist? Very unhealthy I am sure.

Back to RCRA and pollution.

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Last night found Christy and myself in a small room in the law school hyper-ventilating. Well, this is an exaggeration. We are actually eating Gyro Wrap. But we should have been hyper-ventilating. We were coming to the conclusion that we did not know enough con law and did not really have it in us to learn. But we gave a damn good effort. We also did a couple of other things.

Things Christy and I did while studying:
1. Called Kipp to make sure he was still alive. Although he ignored our phone calls, he is, in fact, alive.
2. Slid down the banister in the foyer of the law school (I personally think that sliding down banisters is a little scary, it is especially scary to watch other people slid down them, plus it is never as much fun as the movies make it out to be. But, still fun).
3. Complained about how cold it was (inside and out).
4. Entertained Kiran with acrobatic feats – handstands, etc. in the law school foyer (btw – christy is very flexible and has a good handstand, but I can stand on my hands for minutes at a time).
5. Argued about which fast food place is the best – while compulsively checking our friends blogs to see if they had anything new to say.
6. Christy lost her shoes.
7. I talked to Libby on the phone – and one of her friends from NJ who wanted to hear "what a real southern accent sounds like." I’m not confident I actually qualify for this, but he seemed satisfied.
8. FINALLY figured out what the Dormant Commerce Clause was talking about – hint – it has to do with the states regulating commerce (hmmm….).
9. Listened to everyone’s cell phone conversations who stood outside our room. Used reasoning powers obtained in law school to conclude that law students are boring.
10. Burst into tears when attempt to fit 4000 legible words onto three pages failed (3,787 was the final tally – font: 9).
11. Recovered from tears and realized inclination to be overly dramatic much stronger than inclination to have actual breakdown. also don’t want to smug crisply printed out page of 3,787 desperately important words with tears.
12. Discussed how we couldn’t do this for the rest of our lives and promised ourselves that if our job was anything like this in the future we would drive off a cliff together (thema and louise style).

Professor Coenen just stopped to talk to me in the library and said that I looked very studious. I told him I was writing in my blog. He said I needed to get back to work. I told him I just finished a final. In other words – back off. Or – appearances are deceiving.

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Sarah used to always clean our apartment from top to bottom during finals. Christy told me yesterday that she watched a basketball game on tv the other night. Yesterday I went to a spinning class. I have been to spinning classes before – but I have never been to two spinning classes in the same month, maybe not even in the same year – because it hurts. This might have something to do with the fact that the people in my life that spin like to take the advanced classes and I would never go on my own accord.

Now, I don’t hate spinning. It can be kinda fun, if the instructor has good music (as he did last night). But I don’t really like spinning. What I do hate is how I feel the day after I spin. I feel like I have been hit by a car while riding a bike. I also don’t like to spin for the whole hour. I think it gets kinda boring – and my calves start to cramp up. Maybe if I spun (is this right? maybe did spinning?) more often, I wouldn’t cramp as badly. But somehow I doubt it. I always cramp. Part of this is that I don’t know how to take it easy when I haven’t done something in a while. I know I CAN handle it. Whether or not handling it is a good idea is a whole ‘nother story.

Halfway through the class I had to get off the bike and go walk on a treadmill to get my calf back in order. I could have handled to calf cramp if my shin muscle hadn’t decided to cramp at the same time. While walking on the treadmill it was all I could do to talk myself into going back to the class. I really didn’t want to. My whole body felt like rubber. But, being ridiculously prideful, I did. Which is why I can’t walk today.

After class, I stopped to ask the instructor what I should do about my leg cramping. First he hesitated, then he told me that I looked like a muscular person – and asked if I minded that he said that – apparently some women are highly offended by this (hopefully not women that hang out in gyms). Once I assured him that I accepted this fact years ago – he then told me that because I was muscular and because I appeared to have little body fat – I would be prone to cramps. Now, normally I would be happy for someone to tell me I have little body fat. But I always lose a lot of weight during exams and this time has been an extreme. I only did the spinning class for a stress release, not to lose weight. And I don’t like the drastic weight loss during finals, it just seems so unhealthy. It bothers me that my mental stress can cause my body to react in such a negative way. Oh well, I guess I will just have to start eating more snickers. (poor me).

After class I went to Publix and bought a bunch of groceries to make me feel better about taking positive steps to eat enough. I had the most pleasant experience in Publix, everyone was really nice – it was refreshing.

p.s. LOST was so scary last night!!!!! I love this show, really, really, really love it. 

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