the thin line between optimism and delusion…

As much as I hate exams, I love the library during exams. Everyone is a little on edge, but at the same time looking for a laugh or a break or a happy thought. I know it will get worse once exams really get going, but right now I like it. It is nice to have everyone here and to not have class. I am definitely glad to be back in the library as opposed to studying by myself. Now, this probably means I am going to fail con law, but hey. I love that my friends know how I get distracted and make me go back to my work. It is encouraging that they care.

What I dislike is how all the librarians seem to be unaware that we have anything to do (even thought I might act like I don’t have anything to do). I’m in the annex, and there are some offices in the annex, but normally it is quiet. For some reason today (of all days) the people that work in these offices feel the need to stand outside their doors and yell at each other and disrupt the otherwise enveloping silence. it also seems to be orientation day for new librarians, because they keep coming in and showing people around and talking loudly about how they know they will "fit right in." They won’t fit in if I throw them over the balcony.

I find the turning of pages and the clicking of keyboards and the opening and closing of doors and binders and the zipping and unzipping of bags and the fzzzzz of a coke can being opened and the clicking of keys comforting – it keeps it from being too quiet. But when the librarians breeze through with an obvious oblivion to the rest of us, I get a little edgy. When was the last time you felt the need to yell at the librarian to shut up? Isn’t that their job? I’m thinking about throwing the big black’s law dictionary at them. But I don’t think my aim is anything special today.

Now, I do understand that the computer people have a right to be a little more noisy right now than normally, because exams are their busy time. But they aren’t really the problem. It is the librarians. I know the difference. I come here often.

But really, I am having a wonderful day.  I love my friends here.  As jennifer said to me once, "Well, even if this isn’t what you want to do, I’m glad that you have found your people."

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I have been studying in Augusta, at my dad’s office. The good thing about my dad’s office is that there is no wireless internet. The bad thing about my dad’s office is that the wireless internet makes me happy. When I got home tonight, I ate dinner with my family. My brother said I seemed depressed. I told him to back off because this wasn’t the week to pick on me.

So I came up the stairs and took a bath. I tried to read Coenen’s book – The Commerce Clause while in the tub. And all I could think about was how it was so cold in our house. So I didn’t wash my hair, wet hair was not something I was prepared to endure.

I warmed up a little after I put on my flannel pajamas. My laptop wanted me to spend some quality time with it. All day I have been unable to turn off the part of my mind that makes me crazy. I have been distracted to the point to distraction. I think this is natural when you are trying to study. But today was particularly bad.

I decided to read some of the blogs I enjoy, I thought they might cheer me up. I love this entry from second person, singular. It made me happy. And I like what scoplaw has to say about his friends in law school and "particular ‘spots in time.” Ever since I found Jeremy last year when I was trying to learn the federal rules of civil procedure (he has a song for them), I have enjoyed his sense of humor.

Then I realized that maybe part of the reason that studying brought me so down today was that I sat in a room for 8 hours and didn’t have any of the much needed distractions that I am usually afforded via the wireless internet. Suddenly I was aware of the fact that I haven’t updated this in a while. I also haven’t run in about a week.

I have always been aware of running being a serious release for me. But I am only recently becoming to realizing that writing is also an important release. Look at that, I feel better already.

p.s. allison krauss just released a new cd with union station. I just got it, but I am pumped.

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I am going home today for thanksgiving! It is so exciting! But I am having a hard time getting going today. I haven’t been sleeping that well lately and I have been struggling in the morning. Struggling with ridiculous questions that have no real consequences. Like what I should eat for lunch. Or whether or not I should blow dry my hair. Or whether I should answer the phone when I don’t know the phone number(most of the time I don’t).

Yesterday I was severely dyslexic. I’m not dyslexic in the original sense, but I have dyslexic tendencies. It took me about ten minutes to open my locker because I couldn’t remember the order. I knew the numbers, just not the order. Intensely frustrating.

I think this is all a result of the impending stress of finals. When I get stressed, the little things in my life get a lot harder. Maybe it is the lack of sleep that starts to make me stupid. I lose things. Actually, I lose a lot of things. I almost lost my favorite water bottle yesterday. I left it in the main library 7-11 (the little food store). But it was recovered – mostly because I was eating and didn’t have anything to drink (luckily!).

Maybe I should start carrying around a stapler and start stapling things I might lose to my clothes. But I guess it would hard to drink out of my water bottle if it was stapled to me.

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I don’t think I want to be an attorney.  At least the last couple of months I have felt that I don’t want to be an attorney.  I like the law.  But I don’t LOVE the law.  I love law school.  Well, this isn’t entirely true.  I love the law in General.  But not in particular.  I like the thought process.  I am glad I went to law school.  And there is a good chance that I will change my mind in a few months and want to practice law.  But right now I have a new thought about what I want to do.  I want to work in Human Resources.  I love solving problems.  I love helping people.  I like insurance.  I have a degree in risk management and insurance.  I like law.  I will have a degree in law.  I love being around lots of different issues.  I think I would enjoy HR.

I went to talk to the law school career advisor about the options in HR.  Well, turns out the law school career center doesn’t have a lot of advice for what you can do with your law degree if you don’t practice.  I don’t think this is a reflection on the people that work at the career center necessarily, but more of the law school mentality as a whole.  It it like, here are you options, work at a big firm if you are one of the 20 people in your class that qualify, or work at a small firm.  WORK AT A FIRM.  Or maybe work for the government or clerk.  maybe.  I refuse to believe that those are the only options for people with law degrees.  Luckily, the UGA business school – Terry – where I went for undergrad – was a little more helpful.

Anyway, this post was sparked from a post from Jeremy – I really like what he has to say about his decision to not take the firm route.  It isn’t for everyone, and just because you are in law school doesn’t mean it has to be for you.  Also, if it is not for you, that does not mean that law school was a waste.

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I have been thinking about the adjustments that have to be made in order to survive law school. A couple of them are adjustments from college to law school – as opposed to simply real life (which I have little experience with) to law school, but regardless, these are the things I struggle with.

1. I struggle with getting actual work done during the day. In college, I studied at night. Unless I was writing a paper the hours before it was due in the morning, I studied exclusively at night. I think better at night. I focus better at night. Actually, I think too much at night and studying is a good way to not dwell on other things. Well, in law school, studying during the day is required if only because there is so much work to be done. Also, if you think about it, in the real world I am going to be required to do work during the day and not at night. I guess it is something I need to learn anyway – but I honestly and completely prefer to study at night.

2. I struggle with the wireless internet. Right now, I am in class. I should be paying attention to my professor who is engaging and animated – but instead I am writing this. On one hand sometimes I can listen better when I am doing something else, but I’m sure I would learn more if didn’t play on the web. On the same note, I would fall asleep in class more often if I didn’t have the internet.

3. I struggle with being under the microscope. I am being watched, I know I am. Some people pay attention to how much I eat, others keep track of how much time I spend in the library, others observe who I hang out with, who I spend too much time with, how many days I have missed of a certain class, who I left the bar with Friday night, how often I work out, when I started outlining, if I read for class today, etc. I know that this is all part of being an intense environment, and I know that I do it too. College allows us to be anonymous on many levels that law school does not. Just because I am paranoid doesn’t mean someone isn’t following me.

4. I struggle with my professional self esteem. I ooze self esteem in most parts of my life, but for some reason I can’t be confident about my place in the working world. The rejections suffered in law school have negatively impacted me. But I think this goes back before law school, it goes back to the first disillusionments of college. I have so many people that believe in me, but at the same time it has been a long time since I felt truly good at something. Also, I have never gotten anything I have ever interviewed for. I am great at cocktail parties, terrible at interviews. It amazes me, I really don’t understand.

5. I struggle with self discipline, time management, and staying focused. Not much to be said about that. Once I start to get really stressed, I start to lose things and misplace stuff, which just makes me more stressed. I am learning. Law school is a great exercise in accomplishing a task with little to no guidance or direction because what works for one person is not going to work for another, so it is all about figuring it out on your own. Kinda like a concentrated version of life.

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My friend Rakesh and I are competing to see who can be the worst law student in America. He told me today that he was working on an outline and I think that means I automatically win. But then, my teacher told me today that I "must really love the law." And he wasn’t saying it as a command, he was making a comment, indicating that I appear to "really love the law."

Now, I know you are wondering what I could have possibly said to provoke such a comment. The class – Business Crimes. The class book – White Collar Crime. The Professor – Ponsoldt. Okay, so this class is very relevant to the world today, and my professor loves to discuss current events. We spend most of the class talking about current events. I find this very helpful because I don’t like to read newspapers and I like to listen to everyone’s thoughts. There are only about 12 people in the class (I am one of three girls) and everyone gets a chance to talk. All Ponsoldt asks is that we bring in current events. And anything can be a current event (we have spent a lot of time talking about the debates). We talk about everything from university politics to the presidential campaign and lots of things that don’t have to do with politics. I haven’t brought anything in yet, and I found something last week that I thought would apply.

As I think I have said before, I read Notes from the Legal Underground, and one of the recent posts discussed a lawsuit that some crazy is filing against Evan (the author). The pending lawsuit involves a post Evan made in May – commenting on an article from the New York Law Journal about a lawsuit against two law firms in New York involving client stealing. The original law suit is interesting, but what I found interesting is that the pending law suit against Evan could impact the right to blog (I didn’t think of this, the attorneys who commented to the post brought this up). If the bar association or the courts start to have things to say about blogs then there are going to be all sorts of problems – mostly first amendment stuff. I have to confess that I don’t understand most of this (con law is not my thing), but I thought that it applied to Business Crimes.

So, I sent my teacher an email about it, and I got to be the current event today. I was under the impression that my teacher read a lot of blogs and that he might already read the legal underground, but I was wrong. But my teacher really liked the fact that I read this kind of stuff. He made me explain to the class the concern over being able to write what you want on your blog, and then went over requirements for libel. I wasn’t prepared for all of the questions, but I think my teacher liked it. This was the point where he made the comment, "wow, if you read this stuff you must really love the law." Which is where I disagree. I read it because it is interesting in general. I like law in general. I just don’t like it in particular. Like particularly at the end of the semester when I have exams. Particularly when I have to know all about one subject at one time.

In other notes today, the bugs are after me. I have seven new bug bites and I was almost stung by a yellow jacket about six times. Also, I made a comment in con law today and got away without looking stupid. And I didn’t even read. Don’t worry, I’m a professional. The trick is to make the comment when it is something you do know something about, and then the teacher is less likely to call on you later. And you might be able to convince your classmates in the process that you aren’t a moron.

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I am convinced more and more every day, especially on mondays and wednesdays, that my workers compensation professor thinks I am an absolute moron.  The sad thing about it is that I do actually have a back ground in occupational safety and insurance – I majored in Risk Management and Insurance.  And I do read for this class, most of the time.  (Sigh).  Oh well.  I think sometimes I just think too far outside the box.

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Most of the time I am pretty comfortable playing Russian roulette with regards to being called on in class when I am unprepared and I hate telling the teacher beforehand that I am unprepared. But every once in a while there are situations when I need to go ahead and pass before class starts. Like today. I have friends coming in town this weekend for the football game and some of them are already here. And we went out last night. And it has been a while since I have had motivation in Trust and Estates. Don’t get me wrong, it is probably my favorite class, but it is easy to follow along in class even when you haven’t read and I am lazy. Oh yeah, and my book is at home. So I’m not even able to wing it today. I am that unprepared (I always bring my book to every class, this is the first class all semester that I haven’t had my book, I love my book. I love all books, and my law books and I spend a lot of time together and I am attached).  I’m having a Peter Gibbons day – I just want to avoid being hassled, that is all I ask. In order to avoid being hassled I had the following conversation with my teacher:

Charlsie: "Professor Love, I am not prepared."

P. Sarajane Love: "And what is your name?"

Charlsie: "Charlsie Paine"

P. Sarajane Love: "Wow, good thing you told me because your number was up." (sort of punches me in the arm)

Charlsie: "Great." (laugh nervously)

There are at least 80 people in this class. This was my first pass of the year. I am regularly unprepared. I am very lucky.

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When you know that you are going to be called on in a class (because the teacher ended with you last time, and this is how he does things), don’t eat your sandwich and play on the internet during his lecture. He will call on you, and you will be eating, and then you won’t know what is going on. Oh, and read the statute that you know you are going to have to talk about BEFORE class. They are harder to read on the spot. You don’t sound as intelligent.

In addition, if you strongly suspect you are going to be called on in class (because you are the only person in the class that hasn’t been called on yet), and you went to the trouble to read the material, finish the drill by bothering to pay attention to this lecture. That way, when he calls on you, you can sound enthralled (or at the very least, interested), instead of acting like you are lost and have no idea what he is talking about. I mean, if you are going to act like you don’t know what is going on when you get called on, don’t bother to read the cases. Honestly I think I do better when I don’t even read. Well, that isn’t true, but I don’t think my performance in class when I have read reflects the time I put into the reading. The greatest thing about being a 2L is that no one in your class is paying attention to the teacher, much less to what you are saying, so when you say dumb stuff, no one cares because they didn’t hear you. But the teacher knows. And they remember because they are stupid smart and they remember everything, including what you said when they called on you four months ago.

(I haven’t really been called on all semester, but yesterday I was called on in Evironmental Law and Workers Comp, which I have back to back.  awesome.)

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