the thin line between optimism and delusion…

I’ve got a terrible cold, the kind of cold that makes your brain feel cloudy and fuzzy.  I’m not sick enough to justify being in bed all day, and if I had stuff to do today, I’m sure I could dope up on some medicine and survive.  that being said, it’s the kind of cold that takes it out of you, where you feel okay sitting down, but where you are winded and exhausted by the simplist task.  But since I don’t have anything especially pressing to do today, I’m watching movies and trying to get some rest.  This is helped by the fact that it is rainy and yucky outside.  Briscoe is supporting my decision by dozing quiet happily on the couch.  I really don’ twant to be sick next week, I have stuff to do, and I’d REALLY like to start the year off in a productive and organized manner.  As you know, I’m pretty delusional. 

Right now I’m watching Jurassic Park.  I forgot what a good movie this is.  It’s really scary.  Like, so scary.  I can’t believe this movie is 15 years old. 

Oh yeah, so things I learned in 2008. 

I learned that all those years, when I would stay up too late, or spend too long in a smokey bar, and I would say – Gosh, my contacts are killing me!  They get really dry when I stay up too late, or the smoke really bothers my contacts.  I learned after I had my eyes lasered and stopped wearing contacts, that my CONTACTS weren’t the problem, but that staying up too late and being in a smokey bar for too long simply bothered my eyes.  My eyes were the probem, and not the poor little contacts I had blamed all those years. 

I learned that unless it is freezing outside, if it is raining and I have on socks in my house, and I need to go outside, it makes more sense to me to take my socks off than to put my shoes on before I go outside.  I’ve also learned that my mom doesn’t like it when I wander around outside without shoes on because she worries I’m going to put my dirty feet into my nice shoes and ruin them.  I’m such an adult. 

I learned that I might actually turn out to be an okay attorney one day, if I can focus and take advantage of all the opportunities to learn that I have right now.  This is something I’ve struggled with for a long time, and it’s nice to feel like I’m making headway. 

I learned that my past experiences have more of an impact on me than I normally acknowledge, and sometimes my insecurities catch me off guard.  I’m still trying to decide whether there is anything you can do to not be so caught off by insecurities, and I’m not sure what I think either way. 

I learned that Briscoe is the greatest dog, and that having a dog, or a pet in general, is an extremely stabilizing, happy part of my life. 

I learned I like diet coke better than regular coke, and I prefer diet coke out an alumnium can. 

Ha, when I actually think about some of the random things I’ve learned, some of the things that have nothing to do with life in general, but have to do with particular situations and times of 2008, it makes me laugh.  But I’m not sure they are things that I can tell you all about.  Maybe I can think of a few of them that are internet safe, such as –

When you think you have mono, you play through your last month in a different way than when you think you have the flu. 

When you think you have food poisoning, you play through your past week in a different way than when you think you have the flu. 

When you think you have the flu, you don’t think about much of anything at all. 

The liquor drinks in the hospitality suites are a LOT stronger than the liquor drinks at the clubhouse. 

When a guy likes you, he calls you when he gets off an airplane. 

When you pick up your clothes from the dry cleaner, it is a good idea to not leave them in your car over night, just in case your car gets stolen.  Because, replacing your favorite clothes can be very difficult. 

I’m never going to take another bar exam if I can help it.  It makes me act crazy for months at a time. 

It’s often difficult to not get carried away in the fun, exciting parts of relationships in a way that neglects reality.  This can be dangerous and not in anyone’s best interest. 

Holidays are much more enjoyable when you don’t drink too much wine the night before.  Relatives are easier to deal with when you don’t hate life. 

Football can be disappointing, but it is still a good distraction and an entertaining past time. 

Expectations and anticipation are both very powerful things.

“I don’t know nothing except change will come.”  Patty Griffin

    It’s New Year’s Eve.  I’m at my parents house looking after the dogs.  I couldn’t commit to any of my options for parties and celebrations.  I just didn’t know what I was going to feel like doing.  This afternoon, I felt like sitting outside and reading my book by the fire with the dogs.  After a little while I started getting antsy that I was going to miss something, but not antsy enough to do anything about it.  But things worked out as they almost always do, Maggie called, and in a little while, I’m going downtown with the Badger children, which is EXACTLY what I want to do.  Once I knew that I was going downtown, I was able to enjoy the fire and the dogs and the beautiful night even more.  It’s amazing, even though I don’t want to commit, security that something specific is going to happen in my future gives me an added enjoyment to the present. 

    The coals had gotten hot enough for me to put a full log on the grate, and the log had a branch nub on the top of it that, when the wind would blow the flames high, would catch fire and glow until the same wind that caused the nub to catch fire would blow out the glow.  I found this mesmerizing.  There are few things I find as enjoyable as watching a fire while drinking a choice beverage.  But watching this flame catch and go out repeatedly was somehow extremely soothing.  Someone has been shooting off fireworks in North Augusta for the past few hours, and although I can’t see them, I can hear the dull THUDS of the explosions in the distance. 

I’ve been reading back through my archives, trying to remember 2008.  Isn’t that sad?  It is amazing the things you forget.  It is amazing that the problems I found so crippling at the time could be so easily forgotten.  I’ve been thinking a lot about privilege, and loss, and perspective. 

In these difficult economic times, it has become shockingly apparent how the word – security – often times means very little.  And how easily perspective is lost. 

I was in New Orleans this time last year.  There is a lot to be said about that trip, but even this far removed from it, I’m not sure I can put it into coherent thought.  It is difficult to believe that was an entire year ago, except when I dwell on some of the specific memories, they seem even further removed than a year.  I love New Orleans. 

Two years ago I was in Atlanta on NYE, at the widespread concert.  I wasn’t suppose to be at the concert, but Chad had an extra ticket at the last minute, and I was already in the ATL and had (shockingly) been unable to commit to the other plans available.  It was the last Terrace Christmas as I remember the Terrace, even though at the time none of us realized that 2007 would bring such profound and permanent changes to the landscape of our lives. 

Three years ago I was also in the ATL, and NYE was spent at the Terrace, for one of the best parties I think we ever threw.  I was suppose to be in Athens for NYE, but I flaked out on my Athens friends at the last minute.   I wore a pink mini skirt and heels to that party, and I met a boy.  He thought I was super cute, and happened to live in Augusta, and we hung out a lot while I was home for the rest of my christmas break, and dated for a few weeks after I went back to Athens.  But ultimately, I realized that he liked the girl in the pink mini skirt and heels, and that was what he was looking for, the girl who wore such things as the rule, and not as the rare exception.  And I realized that although such things seem petty, it was a good lesson.  To make sure someone likes your rule, and not your exception.  And to make sure you like someone in the rule and not as their exception. 

Four years ago I was in New York, for one of the most exciting and enjoyable NYE experiences ever.  It was a night that could never be duplicated, which is probably a good thing. 

Oh!  That’s Maggie.  They are coming to get me soon.  I need to go find my shoes.  Maybe later I’ll stop reminiscing the ghosts of New Year’s past and actually tell you all the things I learned in 2008.  But then again, maybe I’ll just tell you some other unrelated story. 

Briscoe says – HAPPY NEW YEAR!  MAY 2009 BRING YOU HEALTH AND HAPPINESS!

Burns the last, of the day down.  I'm the last one, hanging around.  (sorry, I was singing in my head). 

Yesterday I was sick in bed, which sucked.  Even though the idea of spending a rainy day on the pull out sofa watching movies sounds appealing, when you feel terrible, it's really not much fun.  I would have rather been at work.  Honestly.  I'm serious.  But I watched some movies I haven't seen in a while. 

You know how certain movies and songs and books can mean one thing to you at a point in life, then when you go back and watch, listen, read them again, you take away something totally different?

Seven Years in Tibet is a movie I used to LOVE.  It came out when I was in high school, and I watched it repeatedly.  But I haven't seen it since.  Many of the things I liked about it then are the same things I liked when I watched it yesterday.  The desire to climb mountains, the amazing scenery, the fact that Brad Pitt is beautiful (although in real life, seemingly crazy), the allure of the forbidden county of Tibet and the unreachable city of Lhasa, along with the inspiring and captivating story of the Dalai Lama.  But there was one part that touched me yesterday that I doubt I ever took note of in high school. 

When Heinrich (Pitt) and his friend Peter finally (after years of wandering) arrive in Lhasa, they fall in love with the same girl.  Heinrich tries to impress the girl with his scrapbook of accomplishments in the olympics and his impressive summits of mountains.  She replies with – "This is another great difference between our civilization and yours. You admire the man who pushes his way to the top in any walk of life, while we admire the man who abandons his ego."

Heinrich is unfazed by this comment and continues to pursue her by buying her ice skates and showing her how they work (because, although there are ice skates in Lhasa, they have come through trading posts and the Tibetans do not know how to use them).  There is a scene of Heinrich and Peter teaching the people of Lhasa how to ice skate.  In the scene, Heinrich is trying to impress the girl by doing tricks and showing off, saying, LOOK AT ME!  Peter, on the other hand, is not broadcasting his skill, but is instead holding the girl's hand and helping her learn.  In other words, he was paying attention to her, and not to himself.  I don't think I need to tell you who she falls in love with. 

I was struck by these two very different tactics of getting someone's attention, and how much more effective Peter's approach was.  I was also struck by how strongly I want to impress people sometimes, and how off-putting that can be.  It was like watching the kind of person I know I can be sometimes and wish I wasn't, and watching the kind of person I wish I was all the time but sometimes forget to be.  It's like the quote – "There are two kinds of people – those who walk into a room and say – 'Well, here I am!' and those who walk into a room and say, 'Ah, there you are!'"

I also found it interesting that the girl was smart enough to know how each man's approach was a glimpse of his character and to be attracted to the man that was more concerned with her than with himself.  Oh, if we could all be so intelligent. 

My last point about this particular dynamic, is that later in the movie Heinrich visits Peter and the girl once they are married and have moved outside of town.  Heinrich makes some petty jealous comment about their happiness and how he is alone.  And the girl says – "Heinrich, a friend's good fortune is a blessing.  You must be a very lonely person."

It was a good movie.  You should watch it.