the thin line between optimism and delusion…

“I don’t know nothing except change will come.”  Patty Griffin

    It’s New Year’s Eve.  I’m at my parents house looking after the dogs.  I couldn’t commit to any of my options for parties and celebrations.  I just didn’t know what I was going to feel like doing.  This afternoon, I felt like sitting outside and reading my book by the fire with the dogs.  After a little while I started getting antsy that I was going to miss something, but not antsy enough to do anything about it.  But things worked out as they almost always do, Maggie called, and in a little while, I’m going downtown with the Badger children, which is EXACTLY what I want to do.  Once I knew that I was going downtown, I was able to enjoy the fire and the dogs and the beautiful night even more.  It’s amazing, even though I don’t want to commit, security that something specific is going to happen in my future gives me an added enjoyment to the present. 

    The coals had gotten hot enough for me to put a full log on the grate, and the log had a branch nub on the top of it that, when the wind would blow the flames high, would catch fire and glow until the same wind that caused the nub to catch fire would blow out the glow.  I found this mesmerizing.  There are few things I find as enjoyable as watching a fire while drinking a choice beverage.  But watching this flame catch and go out repeatedly was somehow extremely soothing.  Someone has been shooting off fireworks in North Augusta for the past few hours, and although I can’t see them, I can hear the dull THUDS of the explosions in the distance. 

I’ve been reading back through my archives, trying to remember 2008.  Isn’t that sad?  It is amazing the things you forget.  It is amazing that the problems I found so crippling at the time could be so easily forgotten.  I’ve been thinking a lot about privilege, and loss, and perspective. 

In these difficult economic times, it has become shockingly apparent how the word – security – often times means very little.  And how easily perspective is lost. 

I was in New Orleans this time last year.  There is a lot to be said about that trip, but even this far removed from it, I’m not sure I can put it into coherent thought.  It is difficult to believe that was an entire year ago, except when I dwell on some of the specific memories, they seem even further removed than a year.  I love New Orleans. 

Two years ago I was in Atlanta on NYE, at the widespread concert.  I wasn’t suppose to be at the concert, but Chad had an extra ticket at the last minute, and I was already in the ATL and had (shockingly) been unable to commit to the other plans available.  It was the last Terrace Christmas as I remember the Terrace, even though at the time none of us realized that 2007 would bring such profound and permanent changes to the landscape of our lives. 

Three years ago I was also in the ATL, and NYE was spent at the Terrace, for one of the best parties I think we ever threw.  I was suppose to be in Athens for NYE, but I flaked out on my Athens friends at the last minute.   I wore a pink mini skirt and heels to that party, and I met a boy.  He thought I was super cute, and happened to live in Augusta, and we hung out a lot while I was home for the rest of my christmas break, and dated for a few weeks after I went back to Athens.  But ultimately, I realized that he liked the girl in the pink mini skirt and heels, and that was what he was looking for, the girl who wore such things as the rule, and not as the rare exception.  And I realized that although such things seem petty, it was a good lesson.  To make sure someone likes your rule, and not your exception.  And to make sure you like someone in the rule and not as their exception. 

Four years ago I was in New York, for one of the most exciting and enjoyable NYE experiences ever.  It was a night that could never be duplicated, which is probably a good thing. 

Oh!  That’s Maggie.  They are coming to get me soon.  I need to go find my shoes.  Maybe later I’ll stop reminiscing the ghosts of New Year’s past and actually tell you all the things I learned in 2008.  But then again, maybe I’ll just tell you some other unrelated story. 

Briscoe says – HAPPY NEW YEAR!  MAY 2009 BRING YOU HEALTH AND HAPPINESS!