the thin line between optimism and delusion…

Hey. This is going to be a list post.   I’m going to start by making a list of things that make me happy because I’m so positive. 

1.  It makes me happy that the bugs outside are deafeningly loud.  I LOVE loud summertime bugs.  I’m not sure much of anything makes me happier. 

2.  On that note, I’m happy about the fact that I’m going to Sky Valley this weekend and will get to hear even LOUDER bugs and will be able to sleep with my windows open to enhance the sound. 

3.  Being the stalker that I am, I’m happy that I realized today that one of the people I used to stalk – a boy I used to like to keep tabs on – hadn’t occurred to me in over a month.  I wish I could tell you I didn’t stalk – but really more than anything it is that I get bored and end up on facebook and myspace and I think – hmmmm, whose weekend plans would I be interested in knowing?  So I end up checking certain profiles and then I start to do it out of habit more than anything.  I have compulsive tendencies.  So it is always great when I realize that not only am I not interested in what certain people are doing anymore, I have even beat my compulsion.  If y’all didn’t think I was crazy before, I’m sure you do now so I’ll move on to #4.

4.  I am happy that my friends invited me over to eat dinner tonight.  Caleb cooked a fabulous meal that I got to share with him and Faris and I also got to spend a little quality time with my sweet friend Jamie. 

5.  I’m happy that it stopped raining so I could go run today.  I ran a touch too far and I know I’m going to be super sore tomorrow – but at least I’m guaranteed a great nights sleep – which is my #1 concern these days.  Robert says I need to get my sleep issues looked into.  I think the sleep problems stem more from my anxiety problems.  But then again, I’m a hypochondriac. 

6.  I’m happy for all my exciting August plans that I will have to tell you about later. 

7.  I’m happy for my sweet friends all over the place who check on me and send me picture and text messages.  And also for all my amazing friends who I get to see every day at the classic center.  If it wasn’t for you all I would have crumbled into a million pieces long ago.  If only I could gather all my favorite people and make them all live within a half mile of each other.  Hmmm.

Okay, all you sweet friends of mine – This next list is for you.  I’m going to need for you all to abide by it from now until the bar is over.  Two weeks, you can do it – I know you can.  This applies to my friends who are not taking the bar – and to my friends who are taking the bar. 

1.  Don’t ask me about the bar specifically.  If you want to know how I’m doing – that is fine, but don’t let me launch into a lament about the bar. 

2.  Don’t ask me about the bar. 

3.  Don’t stop calling me.  Just knowing that you are thinking about me means a lot.  I promise I will call you back if I can, if not I’ll call you back when it is all over. 

4.  Don’t let me talk about the bar. 

5.  Keep me and all the poor souls taking the bar in your prayers. 

6.  Don’t let me dwell on being stressed.  Remind me that lots of people pass, and try to distract me – maybe with shiny objects or treats, I don’t know.  Anything.

7.  Please, Please, Please, if you can at all help it – don’t ask my advice on anything for the next two weeks.  I mean – if something really serious happens, you know I want to give my two cents.  Any thing trivial – I hate to say it – but you are on your own.  I can barely decide what to eat for lunch.  This request pains me the most because I love to give advice – but I also know is stresses me out. 

8.  Try to talk to me about other things.  I know I can do this – I know I can, and the encouragement that you know I can is tremendously inspiring.  Encourage me.  Don’t say things like – gah – that must suck or I’m sure you can’t wait for it to be over.  Because – that is obvious.  Tell me things like – I’m proud of you – you’ve done the hard part – stick with it – we are going to have lots of fun when it is over.  Like I said – shiny things and treats maybe. 

I hate to have to make these requests – but I realized today that I was wallowing and that I was letting the panic in my friends voices as we repeated the same sentences over and over again about what we should have done or might still do or wish we had time to do in order to be ready weigh very heavily upon my broad shoulders.  I’m dusting my shoulders off.  Dirt is gone.   I wish I had the strength and energy to be a shoulder to lean on, but the best I can do right now is the positive part of the post above.  I promise I will try to keep posting – but I’m going to limit what I say about the bar.  I’m not keeping score with anyone else, and you shouldn’t be either.  We all have our own battle.

Sweet dreams. 

p.s. Any boy who thinks I might be on their potential future wives list – I just want to let you know that I’ve decided for sure that I’m going to need at least part of a marching band in my wedding.  Seven piece drum band at the very least.  Thought I should get that off my chest.  Might be a deal breaker for some. 

Maybe things aren’t as bad as I’m making them out to be – but this is what it feels like:

8:00  Hit snooze button.
9:00  Wake up and realize snooze button was not snooze. 
9: 20  Park car in parking deck. Get yelled at by parking attendant and made to move to different spot three spaces down from your current space for absolutely arbitrary reasons, but not before parking attendant threatens to have your car towed from the deck if you make a scene.  Grumble about parking pass your bought from convention center. 
9:30  Finally find Barbri lecture room in labyrinth of convention center, the staff of which has no regard for consistency about what room your lecture is  placed in or any regard for your personal convenience. 
9:32  Notice with happiness that you haven’t even missed two whole pages of the lecture, even though you were half an hour late.  Mental note to never stress about being late ever again. 
9:33  Deep sigh of resignment that if the lecturer has only made it through two pages in half an hour that the next 50 pages of your life are going to be slow, painful, boring, and harmful to the general psyche of you and your poor friends. 
9:40  Wince at string of bad jokes told by lecturer. 
9:50  Shutter at even worse joke.
9:59  Start biting nails in anticipation of first break.  Even though you’ve only been in the lecture for half an hour – everyone else has been there for a full hour and you feel bad for them. 
10:03  First break.  Exit dark room and rush outside for fresh air.  Emerge onto street blinded by the sunshine and suffocated by the humidity. 
10:13  Drag self back into dark room through great personal effort. 
10:19  Start counting the pages till the next possible break. 
10:22  Text message a friend you think might respond – maybe they are at work or in babri in another town. 
10:28  Start compulsively checking phone for texts.  Decide to text message a few more friends in the off chance they might be around. 
10:33  Begin daydreaming about upcoming weekend. 
10:40  Draw pictures on neighbor’s outline – indicating how tired and bored you are. 
10:46  Write song lyrics to entire American Pie song out on table cloth. 
10:55  Keep checking for returned text messages.  Take a moment to pause and think about how many text messages you have sent this month and how you have most definitely gone over your limit.  Try to figure out how many of your friends are IN. 
11:05  Make a list of things you should accomplish this afternoon.  Not that you are actually going to accomplish any of these tasks, but it is fun to write them down. 
11:15  Make a calender of the past month and the upcoming month.  Think about all the fun things you don’t get to do and dream of how fun August is going to be. 
11:20  Take second ten minute break.  Exactly the same as first ten minute break – except maybe you decide to walk the half mile to the bathroom and vending machines. 
11:30  Finally resign self to the fact that you will be in this prison until at least 12:30, and that you will be subjected to a whole other hour of bad jokes, stupid legal jargon, and excruciating boredom. 
11:45  Consider stabbing self in the eye with pen. 
11:50  Finally get text back from a friend.  YES!
12:00  Think very hard about what you might want to eat for lunch.  Decisions, Decisions. 
12:15  Start to shake in anticipation of actually getting to leave.  Start biting nails again. 
12:27  Pack up everything before lecturer has actually finished speaking and rush out the door at the first chance.  Taste sweet breath of freedom. 
12:37  Finally make it back to parking deck.  It takes longer to walk from parking deck to lecture room than it does to drive from house to parking deck. Get in car and speed home