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(this is me giving myself a pep talk, I like to give pep talks, as those of you who hang out with me can attest to, and sometimes I need a pep talk just as bad as anyone. If you need a pep talk, come find me).
Sometimes the day after I drink, I have a really hard time sleeping in the morning. This is especially true if I have been getting up early in the morning anyway. And, alcohol being the depressant that it is, has a tendency to make the first few minutes of being awake against my will unpleasant. Friday morning I thought it would be okay if I just never got out of bed, that I could just sleep for the whole weekend and no one would even notice or care, and besides, I was never going to drink a drop of alcohol ever again anyway. Granted, these bouts of depression are intensified by my flair for the dramatics, and never last more that a few moments, but they have gotten me thinking.
Last week, Megan wrote about Sunday Depression. I think it is important that we all discuss this depression problem because it makes me feel unbalanced and I hate nothing more than feeling unbalanced, but it does make me feel better that it affects a lot of people. It isn’t all about the alcohol either, the alcohol just intensifies it. And she quoted me as saying that going to church on Sunday makes me feel better about my Sunday Depression. The depression really isn’t localized on Sunday, it happens other times too, but as Megan pointed out, the reason it seems so bad on Sunday is because you don’t have anything else to do but sit around and think about anything stupid you might have done, or any little rejection you might have suffered, or any little mistake you made for the entire week. And, although I do believe that self evaluation is important, wallowing is not healthy.
Last February I was in Steamboat Springs Colorado visiting friends, and the altitude and alcohol really hit me hard the first night we were there and I ended up going home early because I had overdone it a little, and I think I might have even started a fight with one of my friends that night. I was "that girl" that night. Regardless, it is one morning that I remember waking up and feeling terrible. Not just because I thought my head was going to explode if I didn’t keep my body horizontal, but also because I had acted in a way that made me unhappy, with people that I cared a lot about and didn’t get to see very often, and I was very disappointed in myself.
But I didn’t have time to sit and dwell on this (dwelling is one of my problems), because I had to suck it up and drink some coffee and face my friends and go skiing. That day, while on the ski lift, I realized a few things. I realized that my friends didn’t actually care, and were happy to be on the slopes with me. I rediscovered how beautiful the earth is, and how great God is to make it so amazingly awesome. I realized that had I layed around all day I would still feel almost as bad as I did when I woke up, instead of feelings 1000 times better. And I realized that the past shouldn’t taint the present. This is something I have a hard time with, not just with myself, but with people in general. I’m judgmental about how someone’s past should affect them now. I say things like, "I’d never get over it if I did ______." But I really hope this isn’t true.
I hope that I’m capable of moving on. I hope that I can make it through the mistakes of my life. Because I’m going to make them. I am very risk averse and I don’t like to make mistakes. It isn’t that I refuse to be wrong, it isn’t about being wrong. I don’t like being wrong, but making mistakes is different.
Back to the fact that going to church makes me feel better on Sundays, it is more than the fact that it gets me out of bed and makes me brush my hair and see my friends. It is about being given a second chance. I am reaffirmed every Sunday morning that God is working on me. I know God loves me and Christ loves me, and that I can’t do anything to change that, but I don’t think I live as though I believe that. I need to be reminded. Over and over again.
I was listening to a praise song in the car that said "Come as you are" in part of the chorus. And I realized that I have a hard time with God’s invitation to come as you are. I struggle accepting this invitation. I would like to get my act together on my own a little bit more before I come. Which is obviously why I get so frustrated, because I think I can do it on my own, and I can’t. And all that happens is that I feel like I’ve failed because I can’t do it on my own. Which is so silly, because I’m not suppose to be able to do it by myself. And going to church on Sunday helps me put things in perspective.
So here is my new perspective. I refuse to let my shortcomings and my struggles impede my strengths and prevent me from fully giving of the things I have to offer. I’m not going to dwell on and/or blow out of proportion the ups and downs of life. I have also been a bit jaded lately, which is also going to stop now, I’m going to remember that being optimistic and thinking the best of people and situations is the only way I can be happy, even if it means that I am much more likely to get hurt and disappointed in the process.
Lastly, I am going to learn how to be happy (not that I’m not happy, just kind of restless) here in Athens Georgia right now, I’m here for a reason, and when my reason for being here runs out, I will have a reason to be somewhere else, and it isn’t imperative that I know the location of that somewhere else. I really do love it here, and I want to soak it all up for as long as possible.
p.s. I’m going to start taking my adderall again in the right dose, it really does so much for my ability to focus, and going for weeks without ever being able to focus on anything raises my stress level tremendously and wears on me slowly, until I hit a point where I start to be unhappy. I get such a release from focusing – and I forget how good it feels to focus when I haven’t been taking adderall. Plus, it will make me cut down on my caffeine consumption.
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This is how I feel today. Actually, most days.
Posted in Peanuts | Leave a Comment »
(I got this as an email from myradCOOL AND AWESOME friend Rivers
Davis Powell, who supports my blog. Dave got it from someone in
the goverment or something, Department of State. I found it
interesting that none of the European actually gave cash. But I
love Greece's contribution. I thought the Netherland's
contribution was a little haughty. But Sri Lanka
brought tears to my eyes, and I was impressed with Qutar).
U.S. Department of State Summary of Foreign
Assistance Received or Expected to Date
Afghanistan $100,000 cash
Albania Pledge of $300,000
Armenia Pledge of $200,000
Australia $7.6 million cash
Austria Tarps, camp beds
Azerbaijan $500,000 cash
Bahamas Pledge of $50,000
Bahrain Pledge of $5 million
Bangladesh Pledge of $1 million
Belgium Operations teams, generators, water
pumps, logistical teams of 9 working
with Red Cross since September 7.
Bosnia/Herzegovina Pledge $6,414
Canada Pledge of $5 million to the Bush-Clinton
hurricane relief fund 2 Griffin helos,
search and rescue teams, Air Canada
evacuation flights, supplies, security
teams, Three Canadian force ships(1
Destroyer, 2 Frigates, and 1 CG ship)
with 3 Sea King Helicopters and other
donations in kind
China $5.1 million cash, relief supplise,
relief teams, 1000 tent, 600 generators,
bedsheets, children's clothes.
Cyprus $50,000 cash
Djibouti Pledge of $50,000
European Commission Has activated its Civil Protection
Cooperative Mechanism
France 600 tents and relief supplies.
Gabon Pledge $500,000
Georgia $50,000 cash
Germany High-speed pumps and other supplies
Greece 2 cruise ships
Hungary $5,000 cash
Iceland Pledge of $500,000 to the Bush-Clinton
hurricane relief fund
ICRC Web-Based tracking system for displaced
persons
India $5 million cash, 3000 personal hygiene
kits, 3000 blankets, 3000 sheets, 150
tarps
Iraq Pledge of $1 million cash to the Red
Cross, via the Red Crescent
Ireland EU $1 million cash
Italy Generators, water pumps/purifiers,
tents, supplies
Japan $200,000 cash & $844,000 in relief
supplies, private pledges over
$1 million
Kenya $100,000 cash donation
Kuwait $400 million in oil products &
$100 million cash
Maldives $25,000 to the Red Cross
Mexico 45 truckloads of supplies,
transport vehicles, 2 field
kitchens, 2 helos
Mongolia Pledge of $25,000
Nepal Pledge of $25,000
Netherlands Levee inspection team to
assist Army Corp of Engineers,
water pumps
New Zealand $1.4 million cash to Red Cross
Nigeria Pledge of $1 million cash
Norway $1.54 million in relief
supplies/cash
Organization of Created a fund for donations
American States from Member States to the ICRC
and donated $25,000 cash from
its emergency fund
Palau Pledge of $50,000, additional $50,000
donor drive
Qatar Pledge of $100 million cash
Republic of Korea $30 million in cash and various
in-kind relief supplies
Russia Air transport, generators, tents,
blankets, water, water pumps,
relief supplies
Sao Tome and Principe Pledge of $18,000
Saudi Arabia $5 million from Aramco, $250,000
from Agfund
Singapore 3 Helicopters
Spain 65,000 barrels of oil for 60 days,
relief supplies
Sri Lanka $25,000 cash to the Red Cross
Sweden telecommunications equipment
Taiwan $2 million cash, relief supplies
Thailand Blankets, relief supplies
UAE Pledge of $100 million cash
Uganda Pledge of $200,000 dollars
UK Water and water purification assets,
field kitchens, 500 person tent city,
blankets, camp beds
Venezuela Up to $1 million to Red Cross and
state government
Vietnam $100,000 donations to victims
Yemen $100,000 donation to Red Cross
Posted in Hurricanes | 3 Comments »
So Megan and I have convinced Ian that house is the greatest show ever.
And we are going to have a little get together at my house to watch HOUSE, tomorrow night. We are going to consume all of the goodies I have left over from the weekend (Kate brought me some provisions).
Anyone interested? Anyone? It is going to be fun! I’m to tired to send out an evite. I have to do a title search.
Posted in Television | 1 Comment »
Yummy Coffee.
Crackling Oat Bran.
My pillow right before I get out of bed.
The word – SNOOZE.
Cold Water to drink.
Hot washclothes.
My sonicare toothbrush.
Emails from people I love.
Posted in Food and Drink | 1 Comment »
Allison, Cristina and I went to breakfast this morning at Five Star. We normally go on Tuesdays, and Christy goes with us, but yesterday Allison couldn’t go, and Five Star was closed, so Cristina, Christy and I went to the May Flower instead.
We noticed a couple of interesting things this morning.
The parking meter lady and the bacardi delivery guy are in some sort of relationship. And they were having some sort of drama this morning. We watched them halfway talk, halfway make out for about half an hour.
Allison isn’t ready to get married. Here is her quote:
"I’ve been thinking about it, and I think I want to elope, and then just have a party. And by "have a party" I mean send out an evite for everyone to meet us at a bar and buy us drinks. Not to rent the place out or anything. I think this is evidence that I’m not ready to get married quite yet."
The weather is so amazing right now, it makes me tremendously happy to sit outside and eat breakfast.
Last night I was being antisocial. I bought House on dvd, and it is my new favorite show. I LOVE IT.
I also recently acquired some new coffee travel mugs. If you are in the market for new coffee travel mugs, these are what you need. 
Posted in Law School | 4 Comments »
Today was awesome. We looked good.
But, for the record, I’ve never been so happy to be in my bed in my entire life.
Seriously.
I love my bed more than anything in the world and I’ve never been so pleased to be here.
Goodnight, loves. I really do love y’all.
p.s. I had fun last night too.
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Football season is exhilarating. Yesterday my mom and I bought all the red solo cups and plates that target had to offer in anticipation of the tailgating. We reasoned that by the time we actually need the cups and plates, they will all be gone and we will be left with yellow and blue solo cups and plates. This is unacceptable. Christy told me the other day that I was an over the top individual, and that this was my most attractive quality. If this is the case, then I must be damn attractive during football season.
Things I love about football weekend
1. Worrying about what I am going to wear. I spend all year looking for clothes I MIGHT want to wear to Georgia games, and all clothing that MIGHT be acceptable must be bought, even if it is January and deep down I know I’m going to want something different in August. But when I find the perfect piece, it gets worn for years.
2. Spending hours in deep thought about the logistics of the stadium, where I’ll be sitting, where my parents will be sitting, where my friends will be sitting, where the tailgates I must visit are in relation to where I’ll be sitting, which gate is the best one for me to enter, how early I need to enter the game, etc.
3. Eating dinner at the Last Resort EVERY friday night before a home football game. This involves getting to the Resort around 6:30 on Friday night and sitting at the bar for two hours while waiting for a table. This is fun because the whole state of Georgia has recently descended on the town and the first stop for 45% of them is the Resort. While waiting, I have a hard time not getting a little drunk, and THEN I’m required to get the filet so the room will stop spinning, which leaves me very full and makes me tired, and then I have to rally because going to bed at 11 pm friday night during football season is unacceptable.
4. When I mentioned that sitting at the bar leaves me a little drunk, I want to stress how much this is not my fault. Especially the first couple of games. Now that all my friends from college are in the real world making money and not living in Athens, they sit around in their offices and dream and dream about football season and save their money for football weekends. When football season actually gets here, they are so pumped about being back in athens and seeing everyone that they haven’t seen in years they feel that they MUST buy you a drink and you WILL drink it. The good time feelings that go along with game weekend leaves everyone feeling generous and benevolent. It is awesome – everyone in the bar is your best friend, and the bar is just a big party of old friends whose sentimental feelings about East West and North Campus overpower their senses and make them drunker than the miller light and jaeger ever could. (this phenomenon wears off mid season – but while it lasts it is to be reveled in).
5. My parents stay at the same hotel every weekend, and it is the university hotel – which operates a little differently than other hotels. For instance, my parents are always in the same room. Even if they stay there in the spring time, they are still in the same room. And apparently this is the way the hotel works, because my parent’s room is down the hall from Uga’s room. So sometimes, if we are lucky, we get to ride down the elevator with Uga before the game.
6. Kick-off. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DAAAAAAWWWWWGGGSS!! Sic Em – Woof, Woof, Woof, Woof.
7. My precious little flask. He is so cute and little (just enough for one drink at the game, for the atmosphere, not to get wasted – anyway, I like beer when I’m tailgating), and awesome. I bought him in Italy, and he only holds bourbon. He used to hold Jim Beam, but my mom told me that I was too old to drink rot gut liquor, and that she would give me ten extra dollars for me to buy Makers Mark, so now he only holds Makers. I just found my bottle of Makers at my apartment the other day – my flask is so little it lasts for a long time.
8. Sarah Salter and all my albany friends. My amazing friend Say-Rah comes into town for all the football games, rain or shine, and I love seeing her. She always has the cutest clothes and fun jewelry, and I love her sweetheart Wes, and all his crazy friends. Some of my happiest memories of all time are of sitting on the toolbox in the bed of Clint’s truck in the KA parking lot, after a victorious football game, drinking a cold miller light and listening loud music as dusk takes over Athens and ends a perfect day and leaves me grinning in the dark as Wes tries to make Sarah dance with him. I want for nothing at such times.
9. Waking up on Saturday morning, feeling like I didn’t get enough sleep, and that I didn’t need that last beer friday night, but laying in the bed and yelling – GAME DAY!!!!! GAME DAY!!!! WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO! (This tradition was started by Maggie and Lauren when we lived in the dorm and were woken up by our dates to the game calling to tell us that they just finished cleaning up the house from the band party and that they were going back to russell to take a shower and that we better be ready in 45 minutes).
10. The moment when the trumpet solo starts with that long note and the whole city goes silent and collectively catches it breath in the fall sunshine and my eyes fill up with tears and as I exhale into my $4 bourbon and coke the entire band joins the trumpeter into the Battle Hymn of the Republic / Glory, Glory to Ol’ Georgia (which is the song sung at all real bulldog’s funerals and weddings), the greatest song in the WORLD.
Posted in Football | 6 Comments »
My mom is in town helping me fix my apartment up. She came in town last night, which was great timing – she was going to come today or tomorrow – but as it turns out rain is going to be a problem in the next 48 hours. Any of you who know my mother don’t have to ask what we did last night – Accu-Kate and I drank wine and watched the weather channel. Accu-Kate has been at Loch Laurel all weekend where there is no tv and had not had seen enough hurricane coverage – so we had to make up for lost time. She woke me up at 8 this morning because the only tv that is set up at my apartment right now is in my room.
We are both quite upset about this hurricane – here are some points of interest I’ve found:
Free Parking in Houston if you have a LA license plate
This really touched me. I’ve never been to Houston, but everyone has such terrible things to say about it as a city, but right now it is my favorite city.
There is no air conditioning in the Super Dome and two holes in the roof.
Really? No air conditioning? Obviously this was a foreseeable problem, but not one that I thought about. Marshall Seese just told me that there are between 9 to 10 thousand people in the Dome right now. There IS electricity – from generators, but the generators can’t support the air conditioning.
Speaking of generators, Governor Jeb just got on television to tell the morons in his state not to use generators inside. He said this would be like driving your car into your house and turning it one. Apparently a couple of people have already died from carbon monoxide poisoning.
Posted in Hurricanes | Leave a Comment »
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the thin line between optimism and delusion... 