the thin line between optimism and delusion…

I really hate to do this, but I think I am going to change the location of my online journal. I don’t know why I feel the need to do this, but for some reason I just really like this other blog better. This one is still going to be here, but I think I am going to start posting to this other one. I will probably post to both for a little while, until I can figure out what my livejournal friends need to do to add my new blog to their friends list, because I know there is a way to do it. My new blog address is http://charlsiekate.blogspot.com . I hope that works for everyone, tell me if this is a serious problem.

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Oh, sweetheart, you don’t need law school. Law school is for people who are boring and ugly and serious. And you, button, are none of those things.

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In the library/stressful world I live in, I need to give thanks to a friend. Snickers candy bars bring me great comfort and strength. I have a weird schedule these days, and I end up either having to eat lunch before 12, or after 1:30, and in either case I end up listless at some point during the day. I would say hungry, but I am ADHD, and the adderrol I take keeps me from being what most people would call “hungry.” But when I don’t eat enough, I get tired and worn out and down. And this is not good. But Snickers always comes through for me. I mean, it is one of the best tasting things in the universe, so even if you are too tired to eat most things, you can still muster up the energy to eat a snickers. And Snickers worth extends far beyond the library. For instance, say you are hiking, and have been hiking all day. The one thing you do know is that you can’t go any farther. The convo goes something like this:
(Far above the tree line)
You: “I quit.” (lie down, stop moving).
Friends: “You can’t quit, you don’t have a choice, you can’t stay here, it is dangerous. Get up.”
You: “No thanks, I’ll just die here.”
Friends: “Here, eat this snickers and you will feel much better.”
You: “You have a snickers bar?” (sit up, anticipating chocolate, but not expecting to like it much, you feel sick, but after the first few bites you realize that this is the best snickers bar you have ever tasted, and new found energy is discovered in the caramel, peanut, chocolate wonderfulness of the candy bar).
And as it turns out, you do feel much better. I mean, I will never believe that any sort of energy bar can produce such results. Believe in the power of the snickers. It is a classic.

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I can’t stop thinking about what I should be doing. The problem is that I can’t decide what I should be doing. Oh course, I should be doing my work (at least according to my teachers and some of my friends). But really, what is doing my work going to get me? It is going to decrease the chance that I make a fool of myself in class tomorrow, but it isn’t going to guarantee anything, since we all know that no matter how prepared you are, teachers have this terrible habit of making you forget everything. But doing my homework will in the long run make studying for my finals easier. But of course my worst grade last year was in the one class that I always read for, and the two classes I did the best in were the ones that I didn’t read much for. The important part is that I learn the material, and it can be really difficult to figure out the most effective way to do that. Because I really do want to succeed in law school. It is difficult, because I am what some people would call “a gamer.” And what I mean by this is that I can only give my best performance when it counts. For instance, I did 3 points higher on the real LSAT then my best practice test score. And 3 points is lot, I really needed those points to help my gpa. Or how I am much better at quarters when I am playing in a game than I am when I am just playing by myself (not that I do this a lot). Or how I could always run faster or jump higher in high school if I was actually competing for something. Part of this has to do with being competitive, but it is more than that for me. I don’t really mind losing. Although I am sure that there are some reasons why being a gameris a good thing, because it does allow me to come through when it counts, it is detrimental to my work ethic. I can’t give forth my best effort in practice. And this is a terrible thing. Because if I can’t practice in best form, then I will never be able to be consistent. And also, if I know that I am going to have some added skill when it matters, I don’t have the incentive to practice. Plus, I like to live on the edge sometimes. I didn’t graduate from college until three days after law school started. After fall semester of my senior year I still needed 24 hours of credit to graduate. I took 12 hours at UGA spring semester, 3 hours at Augusta Tech winter quarter, 3 hours at Athens tech spring quarter, 3 hours independent study from UGA, and 3 hours via the internet from Bowling Green University in Kentucky (it was a C.S. Lewis english course I was interested in). I only graduated from college after making a D in a calculus course I took spring term at athens tech. Now, what this means is, had I not passed this course at athens tech, I would not have been able to go to law school, since there really wasn’t time for me to take another course (I might have been able to add late into a summer course at Augusta State or UGA, but only if I was VERY lucky). Knowing this information, I still decided to see how close I could come to failing. I’ve never made a D in my life other than this course. Luckly, from some grace of God, UGA accepts Ds from Athens Tech, and in addition, my degree did not require me to make a C in calculus. I couldn’t get it together enough to take my independent study final until about a week before law school, and it was this grade that kept me from graduating, in addition to the fact that UGA was waiting on my grade from bowling green who had not finished summer classes yet and would not release my transcript until they did. But as it turns out, UGA is a bunch of liars, and they went ahead and graduated me before my bowling green credit came in by using one of my many excess credit courses to fulfill the requirement that they swore would not work. Even though I have graduated, Oasis still wants to list my law school classes on a transcript with my undergrad classes, and puts my law classes in the excess credit area. I apologize for the length of this post, and the rambling that isn’t interesting, but I feel it is necessary to show how lucky I am to be here, but also to indicate that cutting it close can work out and it teaches me bad lessons when it does.

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this is my first attempt at this blog, I have been writing on another blog for a while, and I’m branching out. I am interested in how other blogging tools work, and this is part of my education. I like livejournal, but the only thing I don’t like about it is that finding random blogs to read is difficult. I like this template, the text toolbar and everything. We will see. I am tired, I think I am going to go to sleep.

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So I have been on campus since around noon (I skipped my first class this morning), and I have gotten nothing done. It is starting to occur to me that I don’t have anything else to do besides school. I don’t really have many friends here that aren’t in law school, and if they aren’t in law school they have jobs. So during the day all my friends are at the law library. And I had a great plan to do my work for monday, today. But guess how much I have gotten done? Nothing. And instead of doing it now, I am writing this post. I don’t really know what to do with myself these days. I could clean up my room, but I don’t want to do that. Okay, I am going to go read for workers comp, because otherwise I am goign to regret it. miss you if I don’t see you. Kisses.

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Known Future:

THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT THE FUTURE
It doesn’t have to look any particular way, but around here, if it doesn’t, a lot of people will never speak to you again.

it has been a while since I gave a storypeople story of the day, and I thought this one was very appropriate to law school.

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Although the last post concentrated on a small group of my law school family, I do want everyone to know that I really love all of my other friends in law school as well. Like I said last night, law school is really hard, and it is very bad on your self esteem. I learned two things last year, rejection and patience. But I was very happy last year. The one true thing I can say is that I prefer to be at the bottom of my class and have friends that I care about and who like me, than to be at the top of my class and be lonely. I will always drop studying to talk to a friend about something important because I care more about my friends than I do about school. Now, if this is truly the case, it is logically that I should be better at being a friend than I am at law school. And since it won’t take me being a very good friend to have me be better at friendship than law school, then my allocation of resources is working. I do enjoy the people in law school and I am looking forward to this year.

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Okay, sorry for my last post, I am feeling much better today. I woke up this morning and hit the snooze button a bunch of times and really tried my hardest to be late to class, but wasn’t. I went to my first class unprepared and paid attention the whole time for the most part and actually learned some stuff in trust and estates. I think I am going to enjoy the class a great deal, I really like the material. Then, instead of reading for the class I am in right now, Environmental law, I went with Cristina and Allison and got a pedicure. This was very important because it gave me the chance to catch up with two of my law school bitches. I refer to them as such in a very endearing way, my bitches consist of the section Z girls that I spent a great deal of time with last year and love very deeply. They are Cristina, Elizabeth, Cybil, Allison, and Christy. I need these girls and we talk about things and discuss life and all have something to add. I think this group of girls could take over the world, I am very proud to be their friend, and they are all jewels to be won (as betsy says). Cybil is from Virginia (DC), and she is the out of state piece to the group, Allison and Cristina are our ATL girls, and Cybil, Allison, and Cristina make up our big city element. Allison is our Georgia girl who went to school in Chicago and has now returned to the great state, Cristina’s mom is from Spain, and she adds a little international spice to things, Cybil went to boarding school, which is very interesting, Christy, Cristina, Elizabeth and I all went to UGA, Cristina and I are the greek aspect, and Christy and Elizabeth balance us out. Christy is Wells TA, so she is a prized possession of the group, because being a TA means that she made the highest grade on out Torts exam last year, which is huge. Allison is on law review and mock trial, so she adds a lot to our collective resume and one day I am going to go out to lunch with her and we can talk about how our lunch was worth $750 because Allison’s time will be worth that much. Cristina is fluent is spanish, which is very important to our resume in the ever global world we live in. Elizabeth and Christy are two of the most impressive slackers I have ever met, because they are both able to get very, very quality work done in the last minute. I really hate to even call them slackers, because they are both so intelligent it isn’t that they are slacking, they just know their own abilities and don’t waste their time in advance when they know they can get it done in the crunch. I think this isa very important skill and I am trying to learn from them. In addition to these credentials, all of these girls have spectacular social skills and I know that I could take any of them any where. You know how you have those friends that you really enjoy and are always happy to see, but you would never take to party where this particular friend didn’t know anyone and you did? None of these girls fall into this category. They are more in the group of friends that you would take to a reunion of your friends from your study abroad. And let me tell you, law school isn’t full of people with A+ social skills, so I really got lucky. The bottom line here, is that these are my friends and I am proud of them all. And now my toes look really pretty as well (red of course).

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I apologize for this post, I am normally a lot more fun, and if you don’t know me very well and aren’t interested in my rare bouts with negativity, then skip this post.

I don’t like myself much today. I don’t know why, I just don’t. Actually, I do know why, because I am acting like all the things I abhor. I just don’t know why I am acting so. I am being high strung, sensitive, emotional, negative, and judgmental, and it has to stop. Oh, and I am also restless and I am being unnecessarily hard on myself about everything. I am reading too much into the people around me, and I am also being insensitive to people who I sense are struggling with something. So basically I am making up problems for some people, and ignoring real problems in others. But the worst part is that I worry and I fret and I dwell. I dwell on my class schedule, I dwell on the email I just sent (did it come across wrong?), I dwell on the silly story I just told (was it stupid?). And the amazing thing about this is that my schedule doesn’t really matter, the email will be read by someone who understands me, and the people I just told the story to have already forgotten it. Basically the bottom line is that I need to RELAX. but it is hard to relax when I realize that am already three weeks behind in school and it just started yesterday. I don’t want to be this girl. I also think there is a possibility that I don’t appreciate just how many people might read this journal, and amazingly enough, that is the one thing that I don’t care about. Because the one thing I learned this summer, is that my biggest fault is that I am too honest. But it is something that I can’t do anything about. I just wish I wasn’t the kind of person who needs constant affirmation. Cybil and I were talking about this one day, for some reason I really have a problem with people that don’t appreciate me. It really bothers me when people don’t like me. Actually, it doesn’t bother me if I can come up with a good reason why they don’t like me, but without a good reason I just get my feelings hurt and I don’t understand. and this is stupid, because you can’t please everyone. but I want to please everyone. I think this is a very unhealthy way to be and something that I am going to work on.
Another thing I was thinking about, I really enjoy being up beat and friendly, actually it is sort of compulsive, I couldn’t be any other way. For the most part I am upbeat and friendly. But just because this is the way that I am doesn’t mean that it isn’t draining. It still takes a lot of energy to be upbeat and friendly. Especially in law school for some reason. Being cheery in law school takes up a lot more energy than being cheery other places.
Okay, I am finished being that girl. I am going to be a lot more fun tomorrow. I am thinking that wednesdays are just going to be really hard this year and I need to buck up and stop being a wimp. I love my law school friends and I think this is going to be a good fall. and I’m not going to worry about whether people like me or not, and I am going to concentrate on trying to like everyone. I think I was inside for too long today and I need to spend some more time outside tomorrow. I feel better now, and I will feel even better tomorrow.

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