the thin line between optimism and delusion…

I have been studying in Augusta, at my dad’s office. The good thing about my dad’s office is that there is no wireless internet. The bad thing about my dad’s office is that the wireless internet makes me happy. When I got home tonight, I ate dinner with my family. My brother said I seemed depressed. I told him to back off because this wasn’t the week to pick on me.

So I came up the stairs and took a bath. I tried to read Coenen’s book – The Commerce Clause while in the tub. And all I could think about was how it was so cold in our house. So I didn’t wash my hair, wet hair was not something I was prepared to endure.

I warmed up a little after I put on my flannel pajamas. My laptop wanted me to spend some quality time with it. All day I have been unable to turn off the part of my mind that makes me crazy. I have been distracted to the point to distraction. I think this is natural when you are trying to study. But today was particularly bad.

I decided to read some of the blogs I enjoy, I thought they might cheer me up. I love this entry from second person, singular. It made me happy. And I like what scoplaw has to say about his friends in law school and “particular ‘spots in time.” Ever since I found Jeremy last year when I was trying to learn the federal rules of civil procedure (he has a song for them), I have enjoyed his sense of humor.

Then I realized that maybe part of the reason that studying brought me so down today was that I sat in a room for 8 hours and didn’t have any of the much needed distractions that I am usually afforded via the wireless internet. Suddenly I was aware of the fact that I haven’t updated this in a while. I also haven’t run in about a week.

I have always been aware of running being a serious release for me. But I am only recently becoming to realizing that writing is also an important release. Look at that, I feel better already.

p.s. allison krauss just released a new cd with union station. I just got it, but I am pumped.

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I had a good long cry last night. Actually, I sobbed. And I didn’t even watch the whole movie. By the time I turned it on, we were already losing the war (but I did get to see the Christmas party when they are still wearing hoops and dancing). I don’t care what people have to say about the civil war – arguments about what it was fought about, etc – watching Atlanta burn absolutely tears me to pieces. And when you see twelve oaks charred remains – it breaks my heart. When Scarlett gets back to Tara and all she wants is to see her mother – but her mother has died hours before! And when Bonnie dies – at that point it gets really depressing for me and have to change the channel – it it just too tragic. And although Scarlett has her flaws – her biggest flaw is that she sees things in black and white. Ashley is perfect – Rhett is not. When really, Rhett is a much more likeable character in my opinion. It is just a heartbreaking movie – but I love it. I might have watched it again today (it is on tv right now) – but I have some work to do. Also, not in the mood for another sob session.

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I am going home today for thanksgiving! It is so exciting! But I am having a hard time getting going today. I haven’t been sleeping that well lately and I have been struggling in the morning. Struggling with ridiculous questions that have no real consequences. Like what I should eat for lunch. Or whether or not I should blow dry my hair. Or whether I should answer the phone when I don’t know the phone number(most of the time I don’t).

Yesterday I was severely dyslexic. I’m not dyslexic in the original sense, but I have dyslexic tendencies. It took me about ten minutes to open my locker because I couldn’t remember the order. I knew the numbers, just not the order. Intensely frustrating.

I think this is all a result of the impending stress of finals. When I get stressed, the little things in my life get a lot harder. Maybe it is the lack of sleep that starts to make me stupid. I lose things. Actually, I lose a lot of things. I almost lost my favorite water bottle yesterday. I left it in the main library 7-11 (the little food store). But it was recovered – mostly because I was eating and didn’t have anything to drink (luckily!).

Maybe I should start carrying around a stapler and start stapling things I might lose to my clothes. But I guess it would hard to drink out of my water bottle if it was stapled to me.

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I heard something very disturbing on the radio this morning.  It consisted of a conversation between a women with a think eastern european accent and a man.  It went something like this:
W – If you were a car, what kind of car would you be?
M – fast and powerful and big (or something to that effect)
W – If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be?
M – I’d be a fox, tricky and slippery
W – If you were a building, what kind of building would you be?(this is when I switched stations, but quickly switched back, I was hoping it was an Ax commercial, and I think those are hilarious)
M – Tall and sleek and imposing
W – If you were a fragrance, Donald, what kind of fragrance would you be? (I was holding my breath for the answer to this one).
M – I would smell like success and power and success and power and….success(and power).
W – And what would that smell like?
M – It would smell like me – Donald Trump – come closer to me and take a whiff – any man who wears my fragrance will be able to have any women he wants and make millions of dollars(okay, so I made up the millions of dollars part, but I swear it said have any women he wants and it did say come closer and see for yourself). 

At this point in the dialog I was waiting for the morning show people to crack up and start laughing and for it to all be a stupid joke.  It was truly one of the most absurd commercials I have heard in a long time – it also lasted about three minutes. But instead of that, the commercial continued on to tell me if I was a man to buy the fragrance and if I was a woman to buy the fragrance for all the men in my life – and that it was a Macy’s – Riches exclusive.  And for everyone who has always wanted to smell like ole Donald – here is where you can order it online for the bargin price of $60.  I like the description: “The uncompromising men’s fragrance. Persuasive, commanding, determined. A passion for power. Inspired by the man who demands the best – and achieves it.”  I mean seriously – isn’t that what every women is looking for, an uncompromising, commanding, manipulating (that is what I get out of persuasive) man with a passion for power and a comb over?  Somehow I doubt this is every girl’s dream, maybe more a nightmare. 

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Don’t let the weather fool you, it is actually the end of November. It is beautiful outside, probably about 65-70 degrees with a warm breeze (which makes all the difference) and a high humidity.

But somehow the trees finally got the message that winter was approaching – and now the leaves have changed and it is easier to believe that the semester is almost over. I’m not complaining about the weather, I like it warm and humid, but I did become a little distressed when I saw some azaleas blooming on north campus the other day. In Augusta, this would trigger a city wide alarm. When I first moved to Athens I didn’t understand why no one else was paying attention to the time frame of the flowers. No one wanted to talk to me about how the Japanese Magnolias seemed to be blooming a bit early and that this could be disastrous to the timing of the dogwoods and the azaleas. Turns out it only matters in a place that has succeeded in tricking the world into believing that there is no where prettier by inviting everyone to town the one week of the year that ever flower in the city explodes.

Okay, lots of productivity to be done today. I was reading my journal from this summer and I have decided that I was much more interesting then than I am now. I apologize, but from here on out until Christmas it is probably going to be downhill for the interesting things happening in my life. Unless of course you really love vending machines (like I do) and printers and highlighters and flashcards.

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