the thin line between optimism and delusion…

Well, yesterday was not a fun day. But luckily it is over. I haven’t ever written about this, but now seems like a good time.

A few years ago a couple of FBI agents showed up at my dad’s office and wanted information about some work my dad had done for an accounting firm about five years prior. The accounting firm was being investigated for Medicare fraud. They wanted my dad to give them dirt about this firm and interrogated him for about 4 hours. The problem was, my dad didn’t know anything. So after cooperating with the FBI for about 2 years, they indicted my dad for obstruction of justice. My dad is an attorney. Basically, to make a long story short, at every step my dad thought that it couldn’t get any worse, but it did. When they offered plea agreements to the men from the accounting firm – keep in mind, men that had been lying to the government for years – the agreement allowed for a lighter conviction for the more people they would say “knew” what was going on, and my dad got indicted on a couple of other counts. Since he was already in the pleadings with the obstruction of justice count, this was easy. In the end my dad was bullied into a plea agreement – after five years of this he felt like he just needed to move on with his life. He plead to obstruction of a federal audit – which in his case (from what I understand) means that he saw (not produced or changed) documents that contained fraudulent information and he should have known about. Not that he did know, that he should have known. It is all much more complicated than this, but you get the idea.

I have very negative feelings about the FBI. Regardless, my dad has never lied to me and he says that if he had to do it all over again he doesn’t know what he could have done differently, short of never having worked for this accounting firm. Obviously I am a little bias, but I believe him. It is very scary the power that the FBI has at its own discretion with no checks.

So yesterday was the sentencing. The US attorneys were out for blood. Part of the agreement was that the prosecution was not going to make a recommendation to the judge. But you know what, he did anyway. He stated that they would be upset if my dad didn’t go to jail. And, up until that point, I don’t think I ever realized how serious this all was. I was sweating. And the judge started talking about how because he is an attorney he should be held to a higher standard and that attorneys take an oath that other people don’t. It really wasn’t looking good.

Then the judge started talking about how he had total discretion in the sentence. He said that in all the years that he had been a judge, he had never had a defendant with such a record of service to the community as my dad. He said he had never had a defendant who had such support from his family, friends, and community. He said he was impressed by the immense regard that everyone expressed for my dad (we (lots of people) wrote letters to the judge and some of my dad’s friends spoke on his behalf). He said that although he did believe that attorneys should be punished more severely, he said that he thought my dad had already been severely punished.

In the end, my dad got probation and community service along with a ridiculous fine. As I watched him write the check, I thought of the small islands I could buy. But I also thought of how it could be going to a rehab center for one of us or to something even worse. I am just happy that it is over and the uncertainty is no longer hanging over our heads. But geeze, it was scary there for a moment.

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I am nervous. Tomorrow is such a huge day. I know that we can do it, the question is whether we will do it or not. I have been thinking about the Georgia – Auburn (please click on this link!) game all season. Jessica and I were going to make t-shirts that listed the things we would rather have happen before we see Auburn win a national championship – and the list included things like: Alabama’s football team getting the death sentence and Sanford Stadium crumbling to the ground. This is one of those games where we both have everything to lose. I love the SEC. It is so exciting. Here are some of my favorite quotes from espn.com today – some of them pertain to the game tomorrow, and some are just interesting and scary all at the same time!

This one gives me chills just reading it – From Ivan –

Georgia at Auburn
The best time of the college football season comes about 30 seconds before kickoff of a late-season, intra-conference, top-five, archrival game at a loud stadium. The kickoff and return teams are in position, hopping up and down, the home players are waving for noise, the sideline TV official won’t get out of the way, and if you don’t have butterflies, you don’t have a pulse.

The chance to decide Auburn’s success – I love it – From Geno –

At stake are Auburn’s chances of an undefeated record and a run at a BCS Championship. Several Tiger players told me earlier in the week that a loss against Georgia would render the Auburn season a failure. ………Georgia is easily the best team Auburn has, or will, face during the regular season. The Bulldogs aren’t intimidated by opponents or road trips.

Also from Geno –

Nervous OU is wearing a, “Hunker Down You Hairy Dawgs” T-shirt this week.

This is unrelated to the game this week, but very important otherwise.  I am worried about Spurrier – I hate him – and the rumors of him going to Carolina (South that is) scare me.  But I love the thought that Spurrier’s move to Carolina should scare Florida – From Geno –

God help Machen (UF’s president) if Holtz resigns and South Carolina athletics director Mike McGee decides to make a run at a certain unemployed Ballcoach.

Florida at South Carolina.

Oh the drama.  I love it.  It would be worth having Spurrier back in the SEC if he had a personal vendetta against Florida.  Almost brings a tear to my eyes. 

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I have been thinking about the adjustments that have to be made in order to survive law school. A couple of them are adjustments from college to law school – as opposed to simply real life (which I have little experience with) to law school, but regardless, these are the things I struggle with.

1. I struggle with getting actual work done during the day. In college, I studied at night. Unless I was writing a paper the hours before it was due in the morning, I studied exclusively at night. I think better at night. I focus better at night. Actually, I think too much at night and studying is a good way to not dwell on other things. Well, in law school, studying during the day is required if only because there is so much work to be done. Also, if you think about it, in the real world I am going to be required to do work during the day and not at night. I guess it is something I need to learn anyway – but I honestly and completely prefer to study at night.

2. I struggle with the wireless internet. Right now, I am in class. I should be paying attention to my professor who is engaging and animated – but instead I am writing this. On one hand sometimes I can listen better when I am doing something else, but I’m sure I would learn more if didn’t play on the web. On the same note, I would fall asleep in class more often if I didn’t have the internet.

3. I struggle with being under the microscope. I am being watched, I know I am. Some people pay attention to how much I eat, others keep track of how much time I spend in the library, others observe who I hang out with, who I spend too much time with, how many days I have missed of a certain class, who I left the bar with Friday night, how often I work out, when I started outlining, if I read for class today, etc. I know that this is all part of being an intense environment, and I know that I do it too. College allows us to be anonymous on many levels that law school does not. Just because I am paranoid doesn’t mean someone isn’t following me.

4. I struggle with my professional self esteem. I ooze self esteem in most parts of my life, but for some reason I can’t be confident about my place in the working world. The rejections suffered in law school have negatively impacted me. But I think this goes back before law school, it goes back to the first disillusionments of college. I have so many people that believe in me, but at the same time it has been a long time since I felt truly good at something. Also, I have never gotten anything I have ever interviewed for. I am great at cocktail parties, terrible at interviews. It amazes me, I really don’t understand.

5. I struggle with self discipline, time management, and staying focused. Not much to be said about that. Once I start to get really stressed, I start to lose things and misplace stuff, which just makes me more stressed. I am learning. Law school is a great exercise in accomplishing a task with little to no guidance or direction because what works for one person is not going to work for another, so it is all about figuring it out on your own. Kinda like a concentrated version of life.

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