1. Call Bloomingdales from work to order lingere for bachelorette party. Try to be quiet as you ask for Hanky Panky Low Rise Thong. When the girl ask you if you want the ones with lace all over or not, try to ignore that your boss just walked in the room and is looking at you like you are crazy.
2. Call Clerk’s office in Florida. As soon as clerk picks up the phone, scream bloody murder because the wasp that has been buzzing around your office all day that you thought your boss killed with a broom earlier has crawled up onto your desk and across your mouse and onto your hand.
3. Stop to talk to your neighbor after running a few miles in the heat. Stand there, with blank look on your face and try not to be concerned that you have no idea what you just said but you are pretty sure the neighbor thinks it is strange that you are still in their driveway. Wander off.
4. After you have attended a tennis clinic for three weeks, and spent the entire third week clinic hitting with the instructor, call him by the wrong name in a loud voice in front of the whole class. Thanks Nick! (CHARLSIE! HIS NAME IS RICK! NOT NICK! AGGHH IDIOT).
5. When the mother of the groom comes to retrieve him from the bar at 2 am on Friday night after the rehearsal dinner, hop on in the car with him and try to be supportive of his demands to go to Krystal. When you find rubble where the neighborhood Krystal USED to be (torn down for renovations – literally, levelled), find the next closest Krystal with Google maps and place the order while hanging out of the back window of his mother’s car. Try to keep the car clean by taking the remaining chiks and cheese krystals that remain in the bag into your house when they drop you off first.
6. Send the runner on errands such as 1. Pick up Briscoe’s flea medicine from vet 2. Get jewelry cleaned 3. Pick up Blizzard (small, peanut butter cup).
7. Neglect your dry cleaning long enough to where you have to pick it up on the way to work in order to have anything suitable to wear that day.
8. Wage war on the dandilions in your yard. Dig the roots up with a shovel if necessary (my dad saw me trying to get the whole root of this dandilion the other day and told me to stop being weird. I told him to leave me alone and let me be weird in my own backyard – he told me not to act like that in my front yard).
the thin line between optimism and delusion... 