the thin line between optimism and delusion…

It has started to get cold here in the deep south. I use the term deep south with some misgivings, because I never know exactly what the term means. It seems to be safe to say that Georgia is the deep south, but people in Louisiana might disagree. I have a hard time with Louisiana being the southeast, because it isn’t very “east” – but I don’t have any reason . I feel comfortable with Georgia being the center of the Southeast, but that doesn’t help with what is the deep south. Geographically, Florida would be the deep south. But, many folks don’t consider Florida part of the south at all – even though parts of it are simply continuations of Georgia and Alabama, and it isn’t fair to leave them out. I am more familiar with the states that border Georgia to the East and north, and less familiar with the western side of the South Eastern Conference, so I don’t know how Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana fit into the whole deep south.

I had someone from Louisiana tell me that unless I grew up south of I-20 that I wasn’t southern. The house I grew up in is actually about a mile south of I-20. I am always amazed by southerners who want to exclude people. I am learning that it is human nature to want to exclude people, and I know that I am as guilty of it as anyone, but I find it fascinating. I don’t think people in the south are worse about this than people other places, people just like to think we are.

Today it is chilly and overcast, and I love this kind of day, even if it is simply for the contrast of the bright pretty sunny days. I can’t believe it is already Thursday. I am looking forward to this weekend. I hope everyone is having a beautiful day and a spectacular week.

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I have been watching the new WB show, the Mountain. I like the show, it is the typical WB style, nothing out of the ordinary. But what kills me about the show is that it makes me think about Colorado. And I love Colorado. I would compare my feelings of Colorado to that of an ex-boyfriend that I am not over and probably never will be over. I only lived in Colorado for three months, and I don’t have an ex-boyfriend out there, but it is the only way to express the feelings I have for the place.

This is the kind of ex I am talking about. The one that never REALLY hurt you, and at times made you exceptionally happy, but the one that you always kind of knew was not permanent, for whatever reason. It is the kind of ex that you like to dream about, what if it had – or could have – been permanent? You wonder what they are doing now. You might even get in touch with them and go visit them. Or randomly run into them. And while you are with them, everything is perfect. You are someone different while they are present. But not different in a bad way – just different. More Alive. And seeing them is exhilarating. But something brings you back to your current life – something. It is different for everyone. And even though you have these feelings, they are not strong enough to pull you away from where you are now. It is in the past. Something about the lack of reality, either in the situation, or in the intensity, or in the other person, detaches you in the midst of the rush.

This is how I feel about Colorado. This is how the mountains make me feel. They make me take a deeper breath. Some of my most favorite people in the world live in Colorado. And some I just met there. I lived there in the summer. But I have had a few very intense winter experiences – enough to envision myself there in the winter. And the high points are so very high. I can think of no other place where I would enjoy more sheer pleasure and delight in the world. Just the sky makes me dizzy – but different than the sky in Greece.

It is not enough. Somehow I think I would be lonely in Colorado. I know I would be cold. For some reason I am very afraid of missing something here. Which is totally stupid, but it is still something I can’t shake. What am I looking for here? I don’t know. What would I be looking for there that would be so different? There is a lack of reality in Colorado that I think might wear me out. Is it the fear of running away from reality that scares me? See, here I am trying to justify why I should get back together with my ex. I adore Colorado – but I am confident that it is not right for me right now. Just the way I feel about certain people.

I’m telling you, getting emotionally attached to places is just as dangerous as getting emotionally attached to people. Because – for the most part – you can’t change them, you just have to love them the way they are. I have an amazing painting of a mountain I love above my bed, it is an icon that represents more than I can express here. Being content is a virtue, a lesson to learn.

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I am sad and angry. My car is broken. It broke down in the middle of broad street today, directly in front of the holiday inn express. The only thing that even made this okay is that I was in the right lane. Otherwise, I think I might have started to cry. I am not a crier, I probably cry a few times a year at the most. ButI was beyond frustration. I don’t like to break down. I don’t play around with how much gas is in my car, because I don’t like to give out of gas. If something is wrong with my car, I take it in to have it fixed. And this time was no different.

My car started acting crazy, and I took to the shop. I took it to the Mercedes people in athens. Now, let me preface this by saying that the mercedes people in Athens suck. I haven’t taken my car there in a long time because in the past I have had bad experiences. The men that work there like to talk to me like I am a dumb woman that doesn’t understand. I don’t trust them. I mean, I bought the stupid car from them, I think that they should be a little more friendly. I haven’t taken my car there in a long time because my warranty ran out and they aren’t nice to me. And to be fair, they have new people working in the service department now. Regardless, I have bad feelings, and my dad doesn’t trust them either. So when they charged me a bunch of money just to tell me what was wrong with it, my dad told me to bring to home and he would get Mike in Augusta to fix it.

Mike is an imports guy, and has been fixing my dad’s cars for years. Mercedes told me it was going to break down on me at some point, they didn’t know when. Well, Daddy took it home, and Mike fixed some stuff and looked at it every day for a week and told me that the other stuff didn’t matter. The check engine light kept coming on. I was in Augusta yesterday for an eye doctor’s appointment (a whole other story) and I had Mike look at it again. He said it wasn’t a big deal. Stuff that could be fixed, but stuff that wasn’t necessary. Something about the oil gauge that was wrong. I drive the car back the Athens today, and on the way back from Circuit City (powercord problems), the car completely stalls out. It is in permanent neutral. Neutral in reverse, and in all gears. No gears. In the middle of the road.

Luckily Cristina is with me, or I might have lost it. In Athens. I call Mike. Mike wants to come pick me up, until I tell him I am Athens. I call mercedes, they give me the number of a towing truck, I call the number, a women picks up the phone and hangs up on me. While I am calling these people a British dude comes out of the holiday inn express and wants to help. He wants to push my car. We try to explain to him that he can’t push it himself. He wants me to back it up on the sidewalk. He REALLY wants to help. Cristina and I REALLY want him to go away. He was trying really hard to be useful, but he didn’t know anything about America, and even though I do have a european brand car, my car was made in america.

Finally I call information and Barrett’s towing comes and gets me and the tow man is so nice and helpful, I could have hugged him. Katie was sweet enough to leave work and come get Cristina and me. First my computer, and now my car. Oh well, it could be something important. I’m just glad I was in an good mood today otherwise, or I really would have started crying, which would have rendered me even more useless.

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Libby and I discussed today that sometimes we don’t understand why sometimes we are happy and sometimes we aren’t. I like this post by Larry about mood swings. I don’t think I want to get rid of the mountains and valleys, but I do agree that they both take a lot of energy.

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We lost. I am upset. I wanted to go to the Braves game tonight, but I don’t think I can be emotionally involved in anymore sporting events for a couple of days. I also don’t think I want to drink any alcohol today (drinking beer is a requirement at turner field). I’m just not in the mood.

Yesterday was my birthday, which was exciting. I was still a little upset about the game, but the way I look at it, we were going to lose as some point, either to Tennessee, Florida, or Auburn, and it is better to lose early than late. And I really hate Auburn and Florida more than I hate Tennessee. Although I still hate Tennessee. Our schedule is like a mine field. But back to my birthday. It is hard when your birthday is on a sunday, because regardless of what people say, celebrating your birthday on a different day than your actual birthday is not the same, and I was all partied out yesterday. Football weekends are draining. I hope this weekend is a little more laid back than the past two. Don’t get me wrong, I love football season. I think it is so amazing that the whole state comes into town and has a huge party six times a year. I don’t think many cultures can boast of such a ritual. Of course, the party’s lifespan is contingent on whether we win or not. This week the hopes of a state were dashed on the concrete of rocky top and the party was over. The strangest part of the lose this week is that we haven’t lost at home in somewhere around 17 or 18 games. Christy and I decided that the last game we lost at home was my junior year of college, her senior year. We think it might have been the Auburn game, but we aren’t sure. We know we lost to South Carolina at home that year. It hurts when you get used to winning.

This brings up a topic that I have been thinking about lately. Why is it that one negative comment, or one rejection, can black out a hundred positive comments or successes? Does it have to do with the fact that people are cynical? Or overly sensitive? What makes us believe the bad things and disregard the good? It could be as stupid as this. Lets say that you are getting dressed to go out, and your roommate, or best friend, tells you that you look good. You trust your roommate (because you have every reason to trust her and because you know she care about you). You are secure in the fact that your roommate likes your outfit and that your roommate has good tastes. Lets even add the fact that your mom was with you when you bought the outfit, and you know your mom does not let you buy things that look bad on you. Now, you go out, and see a girl that you don’t like, whom you don’t trust (with good reason), and who dresses in a way that you would never dress. This girl could make a sly comment indicating that something is inappropriate about what you are wearing, or in some other way implant in your mind negative thoughts about your clothes. This is the sort of thing that mean girls do. And they are good at it. Even though in your head, you know that this girl is mean and that her comments and criticism are the product of the way she feels about herself and have nothing to do with what she actually thinks about your outfit, such a comment could ruin your night. Or it could ruin my night – or at least ruin the outfit for me. Even though my roommate and my mom are the one to be believed.

I almost think it is worse when it is something that everyone likes. In the above example, if it is an outfit that everyone has complimented you on, and one person disapproves of, it is difficult to get the negative comment to disappear. My name is a good example of this. When I meet new people, my name has a tendency to need explanation, or at least invokes comment. Most of time it is good feedback – people say they like it, that it is pretty, that they haven’t ever heard it before, that the know one other Charlsie, etc. But sometimes the comments are less overtly positive. Sometimes I will meet someone and the person will say, “Charlsie, well….that is different.” Or, “Charlsie, huh. That’s interesting.” Now, most of the time, it is said like this: “Charlsie, wow, that’s different!” (with enthusiasm). With certain women, the, “That’s different” carries with it a negative connotation (this is just my experience, but men don’t use different to have a negative connotation with regards to my name, and most women don’t either, but some women do). “Different” and “interesting” are good things in my opinion. But some people are able to use these words to hurt my feelings. Now, let us be serious here for a second; I LOVE MY NAME. And I don’t let the handful of people who don’t like my name get to me. I need no positive re-enforcement that my name is cool. I am totally secure in my name. But at the same time I do notice when people don’t warm to my name. Is this because everyone likes my name and I am used to it being liked? Have I become dependent on the fact that people are going to think my name is cool, and I lose a part of my identity when I don’t get positive affirmation? I hope the answer to these questions is “no”, but I think there is a large possibility that the answer is “yes.” I am rambling, I have to go to class, but it is something to think about.

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I have good feelings about the state of Georgia and our flagship teams. The Braves won last night, and the Dawgs are going to win tomorrow. I almost went to the Braves game last night, but I didn’t. I think I am going on Monday. But that will involve missing some class, and I need to decide whether it is worth it or not. You just neve know how long the Braves are going to last in October, and it is fun to go while you can. There has been a chill in the air and Turner Field is a lot more fun when it is chilly than when it is 105 degrees.

With regards to the Dawgs, my current hero is Thomas Davis. I love to watch UGA’s defense on the field. In addition, he is a free safety. And I would love to be a free safety. Growing up in a football family is fun, except if you are girl you are inherently left out of things. I always figured that if I had been able to play (I never really considered if I had been a boy, just if I COULD have played football, I would have wanted to be a free safety). On the other side of the ball, I love this quote off of ESPN.Com by Ivan Maisel:
Friday, Oct. 8
Phil Fulmer said this week that he felt as if David Greene and David Pollack had been at Georgia as long as he has been at Tennessee. That brings up this point — Greene has won 36 games in his college career. No. 37 comes Saturday, and the record for wins by a college quarterback is 39, set by Fulmer’s own Peyton Manning.

I would love David Greene to break some records. I read the other records that Greene is about to break the other day but I can’t remember all the numbers, but Greene threw 5 touchdown passes last weekend, which was a school record I believe. People don’t appreciate him like they should in my opinion. At least last week we learned that Shockley is shaping up well himself. I’m telling you, this weekend is going to be wild. I can’t breathe I am so excited.

I don’t actually know anything about any other teams in Georgia, mostly because I don’t care much about Tech, I mean, they are in the ACC. But, GO DAWGS and GO BRAVES!

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Most of the time I am pretty comfortable playing Russian roulette with regards to being called on in class when I am unprepared and I hate telling the teacher beforehand that I am unprepared. But every once in a while there are situations when I need to go ahead and pass before class starts. Like today. I have friends coming in town this weekend for the football game and some of them are already here. And we went out last night. And it has been a while since I have had motivation in Trust and Estates. Don’t get me wrong, it is probably my favorite class, but it is easy to follow along in class even when you haven’t read and I am lazy. Oh yeah, and my book is at home. So I’m not even able to wing it today. I am that unprepared (I always bring my book to every class, this is the first class all semester that I haven’t had my book, I love my book. I love all books, and my law books and I spend a lot of time together and I am attached). I’m having a Peter Gibbons day – I just want to avoid being hassled, that is all I ask. In order to avoid being hassled I had the following conversation with my teacher:
Charlsie: “Professor Love, I am not prepared.”
P. Sarajane Love: “And what is your name?”
Charlsie: “Charlsie Paine”
P. Sarajane Love: “Wow, good thing you told me because your number was up.” (sort of punches me in the arm)
Charlsie: “Great.” (laugh nervously)

There are at least 80 people in this class. This was my first pass of the year. I am regularly unprepared. I am very lucky.

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I didn’t what a lot of the debate. I wasn’t in the mood, I was actually in a bad mood and watching a debate was not going to make it better. But I did flip to it a couple of times while watching One Tree Hill (which is not a good show, but I like it), and reruns of Sex and the City. The one thing I did get out of the debate was that John Edwards was straight up rude to Dick Cheney. I hate politics, and before last night I did not have strong feelings about Cheney or Edwards. I have actually always liked both of them, if I thought about (which I normally didn’t). But they both seem to have cool families. I know very little about Edwards, but I have heard great things about his daughter from friends of mine who know her, and I think this is a strong plus for him.

After watching the debate last night, I changed my mind. Edwards acted like a jerk. I feel bad for his daughter. You know he talks to his family like that when it strikes him. My dad and I would have it out. Anyone that could treat a colleague the way that Edwards treated Cheney is not a nice guy. I couldn’t even listen to Edwards well spoken arguments because he spent so much time trying to rub what he was saying in Cheney’s face. Cheney spoke to the camera and the nation, Edwards spoke AT Cheney. I mean, common courtesy is all I ask. I know that I am little idealistic, but I think that regardless of who you are, you need to have some manners. I wanted to think more of Edwards than that. I hate politics.

I met Justice Scalia this summer on my study abroad program. I was introduced to him by the head of the program at the breakfast table. Scalia had finished eating and was sitting around drinking coffee with his wife and the other teachers, enjoying the Aegean Sea. The head of the program stood up and gave me a hug, and introduced me to Scalia. I am standing next to the table. Scalia turns to me and shakes me hand, but does not budge out of his chair. I’m sorry, but I was offended. I was the only person he was being introduced to, it was a private setting, and he wasn’t being harassed. And he was being paid to be there. By me and my friends. I think I can count on one hand the number of times I have been introduced to a man sitting at a table who did not stand up. He should have stood up when I approached the table. But I don’t expect that. All I would expect is that a grown, cultured, intelligent man would have the manners to stand up and meet a young women that is studying his profession. He wouldn’t have even had to stand all the way up, he could have just done that half stand up thing. It would be different if he was in the middle of a eating (even though most men I know would have still stood up), or if he was doing something important, but he wasn’t. Especially for being so conservative, I would have expected him to at least have manners. But as my brother says, maybe I expect too much out of people. Maybe not.

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Have you ever noticed that there are certain groups of friends that when you run into them they like to share stories about what they remember the most about you? I find this interesting. Because it isn’t always the same groups of people, but it seems likeonce the group starts the “what I remember best” it is hard to stop. I know that I have a tendency to do this as well. Like this weekend, I ran into lots of friends from college. One group, the group I spent most of my freshman year with (lets call them group A), and hung out with in the dorm, when I saw them, they wanted to talk about what they remembered about me. I think this is probably because for the most part group A is still intact; they still live together, or at least visit each other, and talk on the phone a lot. But they only see me on occasion and so it is easy for them to reminisce about me, because I am not in the picture much anymore. It is as if when I run into group A, even though at the moment we are together, really we exist for each other in the past, and the memories are the most vivid part.

In contrast, two of my roommates from college stayed with me this weekend, and we discussed one of our other roommates who was not present (we will call this group B, mostly roommates from Windsor). These roommates ended up being my closest friends in college, and even though I love my friends in group A and I definitely think of them as friends in the present, group B contains the friends that I talk to on the phone on a regular basis and the ones I visit regularly. For this discussion, I will include myself in group B. So this weekend group B is discussing a member of the group that is not present. And we spoke of her in a manner similar to the way that group A discussed me. And this particular absent friend has been living out of the state for about the past last year. And we don’t see her much. I talk to her more than the other two, and I probably see her more than the other two.

The question here that I am asking is, at what point do your friends start to talk about you in the past tense? I don’t think that this has anything to do with how much your friends like you. It is just a reference to how you used to be an every day part of their life, and now you aren’t. And I don’t think that this is anything that should be seen as negative, obviously you are important if you are still being discussed. Also, you can’t live in two different places very easily. This can apply if you just moved from Atlanta to Athens, but you go to Atlanta two or three times a week, and still talk to your friends in Atlanta all day, and don’t make friends in Athens because you still rely so heavily on your friends in Atlanta ( I mean, you are planning on moving back there anyway). This can also apply to living in the past. Well, you can’t help physically living in the present, and like I said, living in two places at one time is not good. The bottom line is that moving on in your life is good, and although you might be able to keep up with a lot of your friends from college, you can’t keep up with all of them.

But you know what? It still kinda hurts. It is sad to be thought of in the past, and it is upsetting for me to think of certain friends are being in the past. Whenever a friend starts a sentence like, “What I remember best about you…..,” it is bittersweet. It is really sweet to be remember well, and for people to have vivid, particular memories about you (as long as they aren’t too embarrassing). I would never start such a sentence like this when speaking about a friend who was part of my everyday life unless the conversation was already underway. If one of my other friends began discussing what they remembered about a mutual friend, I am sure I would have input, even if the mutual friend was part of my present. Do you think that the more you talk about someone in the past tense, the more you think about them that way? I am scared of group dynamics, and it is scary that someone in a group could have the whole group thinking about an absent member in the past tense, even if the absent member is not past tense, just absent. I definitely have friends who are absent, but not past tense. I also probably have friends who are present but are past tense. Will group B one day talk about me in the past tense?

I guess this is just part of growing up. I’m not actually asking a question here, and I don’t have any answers, this is just a thought that I can’t get out of my mind. It seems to stem from a fear I have about being considered the past. Which is stupid. Obviously something about me is afraid to move on, and doesn’t like change. Maybe this is something that I need to work on.

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Saturday I went to one of the most fun football games I have ever been to in my life. It was more fun than I can express. I had a good feeling about the game, I really thought that we were going to pull through and win, but I never thought that we would stomp LSU into the ground. I did feel bad for the lone LSU fan that was sitting behind me, but then again, I have been there. I admired this LSU fan because he didn’t leave. He stayed with his team, even when his team was losing. I don’t like fair-weather fans. But this was all just a fleeting though, since I had too much to think about – reveling in the fact that our offense was finally clicking and that our defense is still awesome!! This is going to be a fun fall and I am excited. Oh, and Thomas Davis is my hero.

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