the thin line between optimism and delusion…

We lost. I am upset. I wanted to go to the Braves game tonight, but I don’t think I can be emotionally involved in anymore sporting events for a couple of days. I also don’t think I want to drink any alcohol today (drinking beer is a requirement at turner field). I’m just not in the mood.

Yesterday was my birthday, which was exciting. I was still a little upset about the game, but the way I look at it, we were going to lose as some point, either to Tennessee, Florida, or Auburn, and it is better to lose early than late. And I really hate Auburn and Florida more than I hate Tennessee. Although I still hate Tennessee. Our schedule is like a mine field. But back to my birthday. It is hard when your birthday is on a sunday, because regardless of what people say, celebrating your birthday on a different day than your actual birthday is not the same, and I was all partied out yesterday. Football weekends are draining. I hope this weekend is a little more laid back than the past two. Don’t get me wrong, I love football season. I think it is so amazing that the whole state comes into town and has a huge party six times a year. I don’t think many cultures can boast of such a ritual. Of course, the party’s lifespan is contingent on whether we win or not. This week the hopes of a state were dashed on the concrete of rocky top and the party was over. The strangest part of the lose this week is that we haven’t lost at home in somewhere around 17 or 18 games. Christy and I decided that the last game we lost at home was my junior year of college, her senior year. We think it might have been the Auburn game, but we aren’t sure. We know we lost to South Carolina at home that year. It hurts when you get used to winning.

This brings up a topic that I have been thinking about lately. Why is it that one negative comment, or one rejection, can black out a hundred positive comments or successes? Does it have to do with the fact that people are cynical? Or overly sensitive? What makes us believe the bad things and disregard the good? It could be as stupid as this. Lets say that you are getting dressed to go out, and your roommate, or best friend, tells you that you look good. You trust your roommate (because you have every reason to trust her and because you know she care about you). You are secure in the fact that your roommate likes your outfit and that your roommate has good tastes. Lets even add the fact that your mom was with you when you bought the outfit, and you know your mom does not let you buy things that look bad on you. Now, you go out, and see a girl that you don’t like, whom you don’t trust (with good reason), and who dresses in a way that you would never dress. This girl could make a sly comment indicating that something is inappropriate about what you are wearing, or in some other way implant in your mind negative thoughts about your clothes. This is the sort of thing that mean girls do. And they are good at it. Even though in your head, you know that this girl is mean and that her comments and criticism are the product of the way she feels about herself and have nothing to do with what she actually thinks about your outfit, such a comment could ruin your night. Or it could ruin my night – or at least ruin the outfit for me. Even though my roommate and my mom are the one to be believed.

I almost think it is worse when it is something that everyone likes. In the above example, if it is an outfit that everyone has complimented you on, and one person disapproves of, it is difficult to get the negative comment to disappear. My name is a good example of this. When I meet new people, my name has a tendency to need explanation, or at least invokes comment. Most of time it is good feedback – people say they like it, that it is pretty, that they haven’t ever heard it before, that the know one other Charlsie, etc. But sometimes the comments are less overtly positive. Sometimes I will meet someone and the person will say, “Charlsie, well….that is different.” Or, “Charlsie, huh. That’s interesting.” Now, most of the time, it is said like this: “Charlsie, wow, that’s different!” (with enthusiasm). With certain women, the, “That’s different” carries with it a negative connotation (this is just my experience, but men don’t use different to have a negative connotation with regards to my name, and most women don’t either, but some women do). “Different” and “interesting” are good things in my opinion. But some people are able to use these words to hurt my feelings. Now, let us be serious here for a second; I LOVE MY NAME. And I don’t let the handful of people who don’t like my name get to me. I need no positive re-enforcement that my name is cool. I am totally secure in my name. But at the same time I do notice when people don’t warm to my name. Is this because everyone likes my name and I am used to it being liked? Have I become dependent on the fact that people are going to think my name is cool, and I lose a part of my identity when I don’t get positive affirmation? I hope the answer to these questions is “no”, but I think there is a large possibility that the answer is “yes.” I am rambling, I have to go to class, but it is something to think about.