the thin line between optimism and delusion…

Seriously, I love me some Bizzy Fain.  I got an email from her discussing plans for the Masters, which is extremely exciting.  The only way that I am suffering through the cold that is lingering around our subtropical locale is by thinking of the poor little flowers and how I don’t want them to bloom too early and miss their chance to be on television.  So emails abou the Masters are fun. 

But this little nugget of awesome was just received from the Bizzy.  http://wordsmith.org/anagram/.  You can put your name in it and it makes a list of anagrams.  Bizzy’s favorites for Charlsie Paine were – Peachier Nails, A Reliance Ship, and Cheap Airlines.  A couple more –  A Place Shinier, A Pelicans Heir.  Bizzy’s name makes much stranger phrases.  Like – A Nib Fizzy, and An By Fizz I.  If you add my middle name, Kate, then you get even better words – Cheapskate Airline, A Hairpiece Anklets, Teacake Plane Irish,Pancake Realise Hit. 

I’m thinking about what I’m going to give up for lent.  Maybe facebook.  I can’t decide.  I can’t believe it starts tomorrow!

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Have you ever played with the Enneagram?  It’s basically a personality profile, with the numbers 1-9, for instance, I’m a 7 with a 6 wing.  (sevens can either have 6 or 8 wings, does that make sense?

Well, it’s kind of creepy how textbook my personality is.  I am Personality type 7 is called the Enthusiast, which is one of my favorite words.  I get really enthusiast about most everything.  The book says that sevens are “enthusiastic about almost anything that catches their attention.  They approach life with curiosity, optimism, and a sense of adventure like a kid in a candy store  who looks at the world in wide eyed rapt anticipation of all the good things they are about to experience. …They have a quality best described by the Yiddish word chutzpah – a kind of brash nerviness.”  Tonight I was really enthusiastic about the 3-D glasses for the super bowl commercial.  My enthusiasm often leads to disappointment, i.e. the 3-D glasses and the lame commercial.

The Enthusiast is “the busy, fun-loving type: spontaneous, versatile, acquisitive, scattered.”

I thought this was interesting – “Sevens deal with anxiety in two ways.  First, they try to keep their minds busy all of the time.  As long as they can keep their minds occupied, especially with projects and positive ideas for the future, they can, to some extent, keep anxiety and negative feelings out of their conscious awareness.”

In the margin it says – “I still haven’t figure out what I want to be when I grow up.”

Ahh, and this – “Furthermore, as sevens speed up their pursuit of whatever seems to offer freedom and satisfaction, they tend to make worse choices, and they are less able to be satisfied because everything is experienced indirectly, through the dense filter of their fast paced mental activity. ”

But then it goes on to say that sevens are extremely optimistic, exuberant and upbeat people, and that when balanced, their joy and enthusiasm  for life naturally affects everyone around them.

Gah, I know y’all are tired of this, and some of the other things this books says are so dead on and not positive, it sort of makes me want to not read it anymore.  But it’s interesting, because if the basic pattern is true, I guess the bad parts are also things to think about.

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I’ve got a terrible cold, the kind of cold that makes your brain feel cloudy and fuzzy.  I’m not sick enough to justify being in bed all day, and if I had stuff to do today, I’m sure I could dope up on some medicine and survive.  that being said, it’s the kind of cold that takes it out of you, where you feel okay sitting down, but where you are winded and exhausted by the simplist task.  But since I don’t have anything especially pressing to do today, I’m watching movies and trying to get some rest.  This is helped by the fact that it is rainy and yucky outside.  Briscoe is supporting my decision by dozing quiet happily on the couch.  I really don’ twant to be sick next week, I have stuff to do, and I’d REALLY like to start the year off in a productive and organized manner.  As you know, I’m pretty delusional. 

Right now I’m watching Jurassic Park.  I forgot what a good movie this is.  It’s really scary.  Like, so scary.  I can’t believe this movie is 15 years old. 

Oh yeah, so things I learned in 2008. 

I learned that all those years, when I would stay up too late, or spend too long in a smokey bar, and I would say – Gosh, my contacts are killing me!  They get really dry when I stay up too late, or the smoke really bothers my contacts.  I learned after I had my eyes lasered and stopped wearing contacts, that my CONTACTS weren’t the problem, but that staying up too late and being in a smokey bar for too long simply bothered my eyes.  My eyes were the probem, and not the poor little contacts I had blamed all those years. 

I learned that unless it is freezing outside, if it is raining and I have on socks in my house, and I need to go outside, it makes more sense to me to take my socks off than to put my shoes on before I go outside.  I’ve also learned that my mom doesn’t like it when I wander around outside without shoes on because she worries I’m going to put my dirty feet into my nice shoes and ruin them.  I’m such an adult. 

I learned that I might actually turn out to be an okay attorney one day, if I can focus and take advantage of all the opportunities to learn that I have right now.  This is something I’ve struggled with for a long time, and it’s nice to feel like I’m making headway. 

I learned that my past experiences have more of an impact on me than I normally acknowledge, and sometimes my insecurities catch me off guard.  I’m still trying to decide whether there is anything you can do to not be so caught off by insecurities, and I’m not sure what I think either way. 

I learned that Briscoe is the greatest dog, and that having a dog, or a pet in general, is an extremely stabilizing, happy part of my life. 

I learned I like diet coke better than regular coke, and I prefer diet coke out an alumnium can. 

Ha, when I actually think about some of the random things I’ve learned, some of the things that have nothing to do with life in general, but have to do with particular situations and times of 2008, it makes me laugh.  But I’m not sure they are things that I can tell you all about.  Maybe I can think of a few of them that are internet safe, such as –

When you think you have mono, you play through your last month in a different way than when you think you have the flu. 

When you think you have food poisoning, you play through your past week in a different way than when you think you have the flu. 

When you think you have the flu, you don’t think about much of anything at all. 

The liquor drinks in the hospitality suites are a LOT stronger than the liquor drinks at the clubhouse. 

When a guy likes you, he calls you when he gets off an airplane. 

When you pick up your clothes from the dry cleaner, it is a good idea to not leave them in your car over night, just in case your car gets stolen.  Because, replacing your favorite clothes can be very difficult. 

I’m never going to take another bar exam if I can help it.  It makes me act crazy for months at a time. 

It’s often difficult to not get carried away in the fun, exciting parts of relationships in a way that neglects reality.  This can be dangerous and not in anyone’s best interest. 

Holidays are much more enjoyable when you don’t drink too much wine the night before.  Relatives are easier to deal with when you don’t hate life. 

Football can be disappointing, but it is still a good distraction and an entertaining past time. 

Expectations and anticipation are both very powerful things.

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“I don’t know nothing except change will come.”  Patty Griffin

    It’s New Year’s Eve.  I’m at my parents house looking after the dogs.  I couldn’t commit to any of my options for parties and celebrations.  I just didn’t know what I was going to feel like doing.  This afternoon, I felt like sitting outside and reading my book by the fire with the dogs.  After a little while I started getting antsy that I was going to miss something, but not antsy enough to do anything about it.  But things worked out as they almost always do, Maggie called, and in a little while, I’m going downtown with the Badger children, which is EXACTLY what I want to do.  Once I knew that I was going downtown, I was able to enjoy the fire and the dogs and the beautiful night even more.  It’s amazing, even though I don’t want to commit, security that something specific is going to happen in my future gives me an added enjoyment to the present. 

    The coals had gotten hot enough for me to put a full log on the grate, and the log had a branch nub on the top of it that, when the wind would blow the flames high, would catch fire and glow until the same wind that caused the nub to catch fire would blow out the glow.  I found this mesmerizing.  There are few things I find as enjoyable as watching a fire while drinking a choice beverage.  But watching this flame catch and go out repeatedly was somehow extremely soothing.  Someone has been shooting off fireworks in North Augusta for the past few hours, and although I can’t see them, I can hear the dull THUDS of the explosions in the distance. 

I’ve been reading back through my archives, trying to remember 2008.  Isn’t that sad?  It is amazing the things you forget.  It is amazing that the problems I found so crippling at the time could be so easily forgotten.  I’ve been thinking a lot about privilege, and loss, and perspective. 

In these difficult economic times, it has become shockingly apparent how the word – security – often times means very little.  And how easily perspective is lost. 

I was in New Orleans this time last year.  There is a lot to be said about that trip, but even this far removed from it, I’m not sure I can put it into coherent thought.  It is difficult to believe that was an entire year ago, except when I dwell on some of the specific memories, they seem even further removed than a year.  I love New Orleans. 

Two years ago I was in Atlanta on NYE, at the widespread concert.  I wasn’t suppose to be at the concert, but Chad had an extra ticket at the last minute, and I was already in the ATL and had (shockingly) been unable to commit to the other plans available.  It was the last Terrace Christmas as I remember the Terrace, even though at the time none of us realized that 2007 would bring such profound and permanent changes to the landscape of our lives. 

Three years ago I was also in the ATL, and NYE was spent at the Terrace, for one of the best parties I think we ever threw.  I was suppose to be in Athens for NYE, but I flaked out on my Athens friends at the last minute.   I wore a pink mini skirt and heels to that party, and I met a boy.  He thought I was super cute, and happened to live in Augusta, and we hung out a lot while I was home for the rest of my christmas break, and dated for a few weeks after I went back to Athens.  But ultimately, I realized that he liked the girl in the pink mini skirt and heels, and that was what he was looking for, the girl who wore such things as the rule, and not as the rare exception.  And I realized that although such things seem petty, it was a good lesson.  To make sure someone likes your rule, and not your exception.  And to make sure you like someone in the rule and not as their exception. 

Four years ago I was in New York, for one of the most exciting and enjoyable NYE experiences ever.  It was a night that could never be duplicated, which is probably a good thing. 

Oh!  That’s Maggie.  They are coming to get me soon.  I need to go find my shoes.  Maybe later I’ll stop reminiscing the ghosts of New Year’s past and actually tell you all the things I learned in 2008.  But then again, maybe I’ll just tell you some other unrelated story. 

Briscoe says – HAPPY NEW YEAR!  MAY 2009 BRING YOU HEALTH AND HAPPINESS!

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Burns the last, of the day down.  I'm the last one, hanging around.  (sorry, I was singing in my head). 

Yesterday I was sick in bed, which sucked.  Even though the idea of spending a rainy day on the pull out sofa watching movies sounds appealing, when you feel terrible, it's really not much fun.  I would have rather been at work.  Honestly.  I'm serious.  But I watched some movies I haven't seen in a while. 

You know how certain movies and songs and books can mean one thing to you at a point in life, then when you go back and watch, listen, read them again, you take away something totally different?

Seven Years in Tibet is a movie I used to LOVE.  It came out when I was in high school, and I watched it repeatedly.  But I haven't seen it since.  Many of the things I liked about it then are the same things I liked when I watched it yesterday.  The desire to climb mountains, the amazing scenery, the fact that Brad Pitt is beautiful (although in real life, seemingly crazy), the allure of the forbidden county of Tibet and the unreachable city of Lhasa, along with the inspiring and captivating story of the Dalai Lama.  But there was one part that touched me yesterday that I doubt I ever took note of in high school. 

When Heinrich (Pitt) and his friend Peter finally (after years of wandering) arrive in Lhasa, they fall in love with the same girl.  Heinrich tries to impress the girl with his scrapbook of accomplishments in the olympics and his impressive summits of mountains.  She replies with – "This is another great difference between our civilization and yours. You admire the man who pushes his way to the top in any walk of life, while we admire the man who abandons his ego."

Heinrich is unfazed by this comment and continues to pursue her by buying her ice skates and showing her how they work (because, although there are ice skates in Lhasa, they have come through trading posts and the Tibetans do not know how to use them).  There is a scene of Heinrich and Peter teaching the people of Lhasa how to ice skate.  In the scene, Heinrich is trying to impress the girl by doing tricks and showing off, saying, LOOK AT ME!  Peter, on the other hand, is not broadcasting his skill, but is instead holding the girl's hand and helping her learn.  In other words, he was paying attention to her, and not to himself.  I don't think I need to tell you who she falls in love with. 

I was struck by these two very different tactics of getting someone's attention, and how much more effective Peter's approach was.  I was also struck by how strongly I want to impress people sometimes, and how off-putting that can be.  It was like watching the kind of person I know I can be sometimes and wish I wasn't, and watching the kind of person I wish I was all the time but sometimes forget to be.  It's like the quote – "There are two kinds of people – those who walk into a room and say – 'Well, here I am!' and those who walk into a room and say, 'Ah, there you are!'"

I also found it interesting that the girl was smart enough to know how each man's approach was a glimpse of his character and to be attracted to the man that was more concerned with her than with himself.  Oh, if we could all be so intelligent. 

My last point about this particular dynamic, is that later in the movie Heinrich visits Peter and the girl once they are married and have moved outside of town.  Heinrich makes some petty jealous comment about their happiness and how he is alone.  And the girl says – "Heinrich, a friend's good fortune is a blessing.  You must be a very lonely person."

It was a good movie.  You should watch it. 

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I've always liked Sundays.  In high school, sundays meant that I got to see all my church friends that didn't go to school with me.  In college, Sunday was a chance to see church friends, go to brunch and then it was just another great day of playing around and not doing school work (like monday-friday, and saturday). 

In law school I quickly learned to hate Sundays, as they signaled the beginning of another week of work I hated and required me to be in the library all Sunday afternoon, regardless of whether I was still recovering from Saturday night.  I still went to church and to brunch, but afterward it was misery. 

Since leaving law school, Sundays have become much brighter.  My parents go to the movies on Sunday afternoon, and I love going to the movie.  We just got back from seeing the Madagascar movie.  It was funny, and ridiculous, and extremely loud.  It was in one of the almost imax theaters, where it isn't the fullblow imax, but it's more 3-D than a regular movie and the screen is bigger.  And SO LOUD.  Before it started my dad said he heard these theaters had special sound systems.  Which means LOUD. 

I'm being sworn into the South Carolina Bar tomorrow.  Big times.  And I also finished my 403 requirements, which means I can be a real live South Carolina lawyer. 

If you'd told me ten years ago I would be a lawyer I would have laughed at you.  If you told half the people I went to law school with that I took and passed two different bar exams, they would also laugh at you.  Both laughs in disbelief. 

I think I'm going to go to church.  That normally makes me feel better about life. 

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This is the first week where the chilly mornings have outnumbered the warm nights.  I've started wearing shoes more often, and we've been building fires in the Backyard.  It hasn't gotten cold enough to keep Briscoe from diving into the pool, but she is definitely diving less frequently. 

The fair is in town, and everyone talks of funnel cakes and candy apples and our diminishing ability to spin in circles without feelings sick.  I guess we are getting old.  My knee ached something fierce when I went for a run on Sunday.  Once I warmed up it felt better, but that first half mile on the shady sidewalk hurt. 

I am distracted.  The SC bar results come back next week, on the same day as the GA bar results.  Either way, I can't wait.  I've started having bad dreams again, and letting little stressers become big stressers as a distraction from the actual stress of waiting for the results.  I can tell a slight reprimand or harsh word could cause me to irrationally fall apart.  This will probably last until the results come out, or at least until I can go on a long hard run and take some of the stress out on the pavement.   

Libby is coming home this weekend!  Yippee!  I'm excited.  Briscoe is going to be a Hotdog for Halloween.  Her costume is really cute.  I think she likes it.  Oh!  And the cupcake is in town!  That's right!  Mary Beth is in Augusta!  And I get to see her tonight!  I haven't seen her since June.  At least I think it was June.  It is frightening how fast time is flying by these days. 

Also, we have this lady who cleans our house once a month – she can do in two hours what it would take Britt and me two days to accomplish.  She came yesterday, and there is nothing better than a sparkling clean house. 

I think I'm going to bake a pound cake tonight.  How does that sound?

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My weekend was full of obligations.  Some pleasant obligations, like dinner plans with a friend who was in town, and an engagement party.  Some less pleasant, like bulk pick up.  Pleasant or unpleasant, they are still obligations.  For those of you who are uninformed, bulk pick up is when you drive around on saturday morning and pick up stuff for the junior league attic sale.  No one put a gun to my head and made me join the junior league so I'm not going to complain about such obligations, but suffice it to say that when my alarm went off on saturday morning I was less than thrilled.   But! It was a beautiful morning and I went to Starbucks as a treat for myself and there were krispy kremes at the jla office, and overall it ended up being an enjoyable experience. 

Then today I volunteered at Arts in the Heart, which was also rather enjoyable.  So, although I had all these obligations, I ended up having a great weekend.  But for each obligation, I had an extremely strong urge to skip them, to cancel dinner, to call in sick to bulk pick up, to just not show to the engagement party.  Really, who would really care or notice?  Then I realized that the answer to that question is that I would care and notice.  I would be the one racked with guilt and bothered by my own irresponsibility.  No one would be more bothered by my flaky behavior than me.  And the only way to prevent that, was to not be flaky and to not cancel and to not be the kind of person who although they say they will be there you really believe it until you see them. 

There are little things that make a difference in my every life.  If I get enough sleep, if I take my vitamins, if I exercise, if I take my adderall like I'm suppose to (this helps me with ALL the other things on this list), if I drink enough water, if I eat breakfast, if I don't drink too much alcohol, if I hang my clothes up when I take them off, if I write down what I'm suppose to do tomorrow before I leave work today, if I return phone calls, if I go to church, if I wash my hair, if I floss, if I keep Briscoe's hair cut, if I keep my car clean, if I get my coffee ready for the morning before I go to sleep tonight, if I wake up at the same time every day, if I take half an hour a week to do something for someone other than myself.  if I do these things, my life is better. 

Now, let's be clear.  I don't do these things.  I try.  Just identifying what these things are is half of my battle.  That has taken years.  Actually training myself to do these things is going to take a lot longer.  And I'll probably never get all these things down, and this list is not complete, and as I get older I'm sure it will just get longer.  But each time I do one of these things, each time I actually accomplish an obligation, my life is enriched. 

The difficult things is that I don't want to do most of these things.  When I change clothes when I get home from work, I want to throw them on the ground.  I don't like washing my hair.  I forget to take my vitamins.  I can barely check my voicemail, much less call people back.  I do like to exercise, but I still have to make it a priority or it won't happen. 

In other news, How Bout them DAWGS!  We looked good yesterday.  I'm excited about this weekend.  I had totally decided to not go, but now I have to go.  It's going to be a blackout.  I'm being flaky by changing my mind, but there isn't anything I can do about that, because I really need to be in sanford stadium on saturday night. 

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