the thin line between optimism and delusion…

As much as I hate exams, I love the library during exams. Everyone is a little on edge, but at the same time looking for a laugh or a break or a happy thought. I know it will get worse once exams really get going, but right now I like it. It is nice to have everyone here and to not have class. I am definitely glad to be back in the library as opposed to studying by myself. Now, this probably means I am going to fail con law, but hey. I love that my friends know how I get distracted and make me go back to my work. It is encouraging that they care.

What I dislike is how all the librarians seem to be unaware that we have anything to do (even thought I might act like I don’t have anything to do). I’m in the annex, and there are some offices in the annex, but normally it is quiet. For some reason today (of all days) the people that work in these offices feel the need to stand outside their doors and yell at each other and disrupt the otherwise enveloping silence. it also seems to be orientation day for new librarians, because they keep coming in and showing people around and talking loudly about how they know they will “fit right in.” They won’t fit in if I throw them over the balcony.

I find the turning of pages and the clicking of keyboards and the opening and closing of doors and binders and the zipping and unzipping of bags and the fzzzzz of a coke can being opened and the clicking of keys comforting – it keeps it from being too quiet. But when the librarians breeze through with an obvious oblivion to the rest of us, I get a little edgy. When was the last time you felt the need to yell at the librarian to shut up? Isn’t that their job? I’m thinking about throwing the big black’s law dictionary at them. But I don’t think my aim is anything special today.

Now, I do understand that the computer people have a right to be a little more noisy right now than normally, because exams are their busy time. But they aren’t really the problem. It is the librarians. I know the difference. I come here often.

But really, I am having a wonderful day. I love my friends here. As jennifer said to me once, “Well, even if this isn’t what you want to do, I’m glad that you have found your people.”

I have been studying in Augusta, at my dad’s office. The good thing about my dad’s office is that there is no wireless internet. The bad thing about my dad’s office is that the wireless internet makes me happy. When I got home tonight, I ate dinner with my family. My brother said I seemed depressed. I told him to back off because this wasn’t the week to pick on me.

So I came up the stairs and took a bath. I tried to read Coenen’s book – The Commerce Clause while in the tub. And all I could think about was how it was so cold in our house. So I didn’t wash my hair, wet hair was not something I was prepared to endure.

I warmed up a little after I put on my flannel pajamas. My laptop wanted me to spend some quality time with it. All day I have been unable to turn off the part of my mind that makes me crazy. I have been distracted to the point to distraction. I think this is natural when you are trying to study. But today was particularly bad.

I decided to read some of the blogs I enjoy, I thought they might cheer me up. I love this entry from second person, singular. It made me happy. And I like what scoplaw has to say about his friends in law school and “particular ‘spots in time.” Ever since I found Jeremy last year when I was trying to learn the federal rules of civil procedure (he has a song for them), I have enjoyed his sense of humor.

Then I realized that maybe part of the reason that studying brought me so down today was that I sat in a room for 8 hours and didn’t have any of the much needed distractions that I am usually afforded via the wireless internet. Suddenly I was aware of the fact that I haven’t updated this in a while. I also haven’t run in about a week.

I have always been aware of running being a serious release for me. But I am only recently becoming to realizing that writing is also an important release. Look at that, I feel better already.

p.s. allison krauss just released a new cd with union station. I just got it, but I am pumped.

I had a good long cry last night. Actually, I sobbed. And I didn’t even watch the whole movie. By the time I turned it on, we were already losing the war (but I did get to see the Christmas party when they are still wearing hoops and dancing). I don’t care what people have to say about the civil war – arguments about what it was fought about, etc – watching Atlanta burn absolutely tears me to pieces. And when you see twelve oaks charred remains – it breaks my heart. When Scarlett gets back to Tara and all she wants is to see her mother – but her mother has died hours before! And when Bonnie dies – at that point it gets really depressing for me and have to change the channel – it it just too tragic. And although Scarlett has her flaws – her biggest flaw is that she sees things in black and white. Ashley is perfect – Rhett is not. When really, Rhett is a much more likeable character in my opinion. It is just a heartbreaking movie – but I love it. I might have watched it again today (it is on tv right now) – but I have some work to do. Also, not in the mood for another sob session.

I am going home today for thanksgiving! It is so exciting! But I am having a hard time getting going today. I haven’t been sleeping that well lately and I have been struggling in the morning. Struggling with ridiculous questions that have no real consequences. Like what I should eat for lunch. Or whether or not I should blow dry my hair. Or whether I should answer the phone when I don’t know the phone number(most of the time I don’t).

Yesterday I was severely dyslexic. I’m not dyslexic in the original sense, but I have dyslexic tendencies. It took me about ten minutes to open my locker because I couldn’t remember the order. I knew the numbers, just not the order. Intensely frustrating.

I think this is all a result of the impending stress of finals. When I get stressed, the little things in my life get a lot harder. Maybe it is the lack of sleep that starts to make me stupid. I lose things. Actually, I lose a lot of things. I almost lost my favorite water bottle yesterday. I left it in the main library 7-11 (the little food store). But it was recovered – mostly because I was eating and didn’t have anything to drink (luckily!).

Maybe I should start carrying around a stapler and start stapling things I might lose to my clothes. But I guess it would hard to drink out of my water bottle if it was stapled to me.

I heard something very disturbing on the radio this morning.  It consisted of a conversation between a women with a think eastern european accent and a man.  It went something like this:
W – If you were a car, what kind of car would you be?
M – fast and powerful and big (or something to that effect)
W – If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be?
M – I’d be a fox, tricky and slippery
W – If you were a building, what kind of building would you be?(this is when I switched stations, but quickly switched back, I was hoping it was an Ax commercial, and I think those are hilarious)
M – Tall and sleek and imposing
W – If you were a fragrance, Donald, what kind of fragrance would you be? (I was holding my breath for the answer to this one).
M – I would smell like success and power and success and power and….success(and power).
W – And what would that smell like?
M – It would smell like me – Donald Trump – come closer to me and take a whiff – any man who wears my fragrance will be able to have any women he wants and make millions of dollars(okay, so I made up the millions of dollars part, but I swear it said have any women he wants and it did say come closer and see for yourself). 

At this point in the dialog I was waiting for the morning show people to crack up and start laughing and for it to all be a stupid joke.  It was truly one of the most absurd commercials I have heard in a long time – it also lasted about three minutes. But instead of that, the commercial continued on to tell me if I was a man to buy the fragrance and if I was a woman to buy the fragrance for all the men in my life – and that it was a Macy’s – Riches exclusive.  And for everyone who has always wanted to smell like ole Donald – here is where you can order it online for the bargin price of $60.  I like the description: “The uncompromising men’s fragrance. Persuasive, commanding, determined. A passion for power. Inspired by the man who demands the best – and achieves it.”  I mean seriously – isn’t that what every women is looking for, an uncompromising, commanding, manipulating (that is what I get out of persuasive) man with a passion for power and a comb over?  Somehow I doubt this is every girl’s dream, maybe more a nightmare.