the thin line between optimism and delusion…

Since this is contracts, and prior performance and expectations have something to do with reliance and stuff, it is no surprise that I walked out of my exam with the knowledge that:
– My outline left a lot to be desired
– I have obviously learned nothing this semester
– I am an idiot. (this has been a reccuring contractual problem)

Now, none of these things should be a surprise, considering, as a rule, I normally feel like an idiot who has learned nothing when I leave Coenen’s class on a regular day. I’m not sure what made me think that today could possibly be different.
(honestly, some of the questions on the exam I thought were a joke, you know, phrases Coenen made up just to get a good laugh out of what we would all make up as an answer when there really was no answer because Coenen made it up. I even had my notes and outline and book, and still thought they were made up. Turns out this was just wishful thinking. Have fun if you signed up for his Con Law class, I’ve had enough.) (if I have to repeat first year because I failed this class (or all my classes) promise me y’all will still acknowledge me in the library with more than a comment to a first year like, “Yeah, she was in my section too, last year.”)

I roll over and tried to focus on the window. My room is really sort of dark. I reach for my cell phone; no missed calls. I thought maybe my brother would have called me. It is his 25 birthday. I guess maybe I am suppose to call him on his birthday, but he has no patience and i thought maybe he would beat me to the punch. Or maybe he is on my couch and I just didn’t know he was in athens or that he still had a key. I hope he doesn’t scare my roommates. I hop out of bed, brush my teeth, decide against brushing my hair, and think about my day. I love my new perfume. I think I’m depressed. I have had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, even when I have had enough sleep. I saw a terrible movie last night with Jennifer and Maggie who have just dyed their hair. Jennifer dyed her hair brownish red (well, she had someone do it) and Maggie put bright pink streaks in her hair. I wish Katie had been here to go, although that would have just been another wasted $7.50. Of course she will probably go see it in D.C and waste $10. I think Pierce Brosnan is getting slack, since his character in 007 (license to kill) has been developed for the past 60 years, I think he is under the faulty impression that there is no need to develop his character in all his other movies. I hate static characters. In movies, books, real life. Of course, I don’t know what I think I know about real life. Betsy and I spend enough time (we are in the business school) pretending that we are training for real life, when really our real life in on the uncomfortable sofa in the den, or on the trails at the botanical garden, or at the morton, because the rest of the time we are only pretending. I look out the window once I get my glasses on and realize that it is rainy. I check the temperature on my computer and turn on some music. It is 70 degrees out. Suddenly, I am overwhelmed by the summer after my sophomore year. When Betsy was at Greystone and her parents moved to Boston, and Sarah and I made grill cheese everyday and she and Wes were broken up, and Katie and I watched movies and analyzed our personalities with Space. And Emory and I would go to Hodgsons and get ice cream from Bucky, and we would cook dinner with scott and weshiler and Kerry. And I was still hung up on mason (I saw him last week, in the same setting that I met him, it was our four year anniversay, and he thought I was very cute – because I was cute, and i thought about how much I have changed and how seeing him is like seeing an old friend from high school). And Emory and I thought it was fun to go run at 4 in the afternoon on the softball fields with no shade, because we were tough. But Katie was outrunning us by three or four miles. And i read lots of books, but mostly I read the lord of the rings. Books remind me of different times in my life. That summer also makes me think of Far From the Madding Crowd. And it rained the whole summer. I look at my clock. Today is not the day for daydreams. Today is the day for contracts. If only Ashley was around to show me how to be organized and productive, and to pretend to be shocked by my total lack of reality, when really it is what she loves about me. Ashley is getting married. Emory is getting married. Bucky is getting married. How did this happen? How is this year over? Law school is so all consuming, no wonder I’m not in love.

I have decided that I don’t think my blog is very interesting or though provoking, and that it has dwindled into basically an ego-centric story of my day. I promise from now on to be more entertaining, or at least less self involved. Ya’ll really aren’t interested in what I had for lunch or the television shows I watched today. Ya’ll might be interested in my thoughts. there lies the difficulty. I haven’t had a lot of thoughts, and most of them are too law school related to be very interesting, but here is shot at being more interesting.

I think the first few years after college are really hard. I think college is really hard for most people, I know it was for me. Jennifer and I were discussing how we are amazed that people actually fall in love and get married and STAY MARRIED. This is amazing. We understand how people fall in love, but the staying in love seems to be the difficult part. I personally believe that you only stay in love if your relationship is based on something much bigger than the two of you, namely God and Christ. but then you get down to the based on part. If you can have a great foundation, then you can withstand a lot of stuff. but you know what? the world trade centers had a great foundation, the idea was suppose to be that they couldn’t be blown up from the bottom. But most things that attack you don’t attack you at your base. they attack you from the unexpected angle at the unexpected time. So, unless you feel like you have a good base AND that you moderately prepared for what the world is going to throw at you, it is really scary to start a relationship with someone else. Jennifer and I decided it is like selling an unfinished product, entirely too much liability is involved unless the product is close to completion.
I have a friend, an old friend whose relationship has dwindled in the past few years. She has been one of the most important persons in my life for a very long time, and for a very long time she has taken me for granted and really been rather mean to me. And you know what? I have taken it for a long time, because the good times and the friendship I have had with her in the past were of the highest quality I have ever experienced. But we have both changed, and it took us both a long time to accept that the other had changed. I have put a great deal of time and effort in the past at least 2 years into being a part of her life that has not been reciprocated because she is very important to me and I love her dearly. And you know, I’m stubborn, I don’t take no for an answer very well, and it takes me long time get a hint. I have a tendency that once I decide you are REALLY important, there isn’t a whole lot you can do to convince me to take you out of the category(it takes a while to get there). this is why God has protected me and not given me a lot of serious boyfriends so far, otherwise I feel sure I would be a wreck. And I know that she loves me. But I also know that I don’t understand how she can be so oblivious to my feelings. I understand that she thinks I am silly and that the things I stress about are not worth talking about, i don’t know, I know this isn’t the sort of interesting topic I was looking for. Obviously this is an unhealthy relationship for me that I have been in for almost seven years, and has been unhealthy for at least two. But part of this is my fault. I know that I often over estimate my emotional strength (I have an over confidence problem, in all areas of my life). I have given her the opportunity to not have to worry about my feelings for long enough that when I do protest, it is not well met. Well, I don’t have a lot of ex-boyfriends, and the ones I do have are my friends now, so i guess I deserve some bad relationship baggage. But I can promise you that it is most upsetting.

ever since I exited my torts final and came back to my apartment I have been laying in my bed. I absolutely froze during my exam because the air conditioning(even though it was really only 50 degrees outside this morning) was blowing directly on me all during the exam. And I hate being cold.
So I have been under the covers since 1:30 today, except when maggie came over and we went to zaxby’s for some cookies and a coke. But other than that I have been in the bed. I’m not real sure what has made me decide to be so worthless, but I think i deserve it.
Studying makes me sore. Sitting in a chair, making flash card, leaning over a table has left me in much pain. Monday, I couldn’t go to sleep because my neck and my back hurt so much. And lets not ever talk about my wrist. My wrist, my hand, my ulna nerve, my elbow, all in serious pain. and lets keep in mind that this is all from making flash cards. because I haven’t written more than four sentences at a time on a piece of paper with a pen in about a year. or at least since last summer. typing is the way I communicate. I mean, I think it is a bunch of crap this whole thing about carpel tunnel thing from typing, carpel tunnel is from writing with a pen. and at least when you are typing you can sit up straight, writing with a pen you have to lean over.
I know I should be studying, but instead I have watched love actually (which is really a lot sadder of a movie than i remember, a little too much reality), talked to maggie about boys and crushes and how I am hopeless and how all her exboyfriends are not that cute (which is weird cause she is beautiful)and then I watched the crocodile hunter (who I love) and Two guys and a girl (which I also love) and jennifer and I talked about the people (or groups) that we didn’t like (or that didn’t like us) in college, and then I watched two guys and a girl again, and now I am watching friends. (I also love extreme home makeover). Then i plan on watching will and grace and ER. I have been very good all semester at not getting caught up in television, but tonight I need a new charge.
Some people recharge by eating, or drinking a lot, or running, or talking on the phone, or reading a book, or people watching, or hiking, or dancing. Actually, these are all of my favorite ways to recharge. But a couple of times a year, I really need to watch a bunch of movies and television by myself (or maybe with a choice person) in order to get my life back in order. Actually, I think I just needed to be distracted from thinking about all the different stuff. Like after I took the LSAT I couldn’t sleep for a couple of nights until I went on a 23 mile hike across the divide (I took the LSAT in boulder). Different times call for different measures, and in order to be on top of things next week I needed a break.
I love you all and I miss you all, since I don’t even see my law school friends much lately, but I promise to call everyone in my phone book on friday night and not to remember talking to you later because I also promise to be a bit of a nightmare and to drink too much champagne. may 7th, may 7th, may 7th…….

“Travers” (my dad and brother’s name) is the 4,145 most popular LAST name in the United States with a frequency of 0.003% and percentile of 60.989. Travers is a town in Idaho, and is not listed as a first name. Since my brother is the IV, I know there are some out there, but obviously not on this list. Charlsie is a town nowhere. “Paine” is the 2,679th most popular last name (surname) in the United States; frequency is 0.005%; percentile is 55.638. but the real winner in this game is that “Kate” is the 35,491st most popular LASTname (surname) in the United States; frequency is 0.000%; percentile is 83.101. Whose last name is Kate you ask? with a frequency of 0.000%, NOBODY! “Kate” is the 464th most popular female FIRST name in the United States; frequency is 0.029%; percentile is 73.401, and there is a Kate, Arkansas. Pretty interesting, huh? not really. (all information is provided by the US census, I’m not sure what year, I’m assuming 2000).

while being unproductive in the downstairs of the annex, I learned this about my name: “Charlsie” is the 4,085 most popular name in the United States, with a frequency of 0.001% and a percentile of 89.842. there is a women named Charlsie who started a Christian rock record label, a soccer player at Utah State named Charlsie, a 25 year old inmate in Texas, who is set to be released from prison on 7-12-2022, she enjoys drawing, reading and working out, she and I actually have a lot in common, she is a libra and was pre-law before she ended up in jail. There is a Charlsie who is an adminstrative secretary at Tulane, a civil engineer accounting assistant at mississippi state, there is a Charlsie who has a great dane that likes to bite people, and a very cute little girl named Charlsie who actually lives in athens, and was the athens banner herald kid of the day, http://www.onlineathens.com/youthoftheday/daily/010904.shtml, and a painter named Charlsie from Pacific Grove, and a girl in Alabama in high school named Charlsie, who has a livejournal (I added her to my friends list). Okay, that is all I learned about my name today, apparently everyone named Charlsie is on the internet since we only have a frequency of 0.001%, but I guess everyone is on the internet these days…sigh, back to contracts with a good 45 minutes wasted…

I only have one more pair of contacts left. Getting contacts is a big hassle in Athens, because they have to order them, and I have to pay for them when I order them, and then they are suppose to call me when they come in, which they don’t always do. In Augusta, the booming metropolis, they keep my prescription in stock, and I don’t have to order them. Since I am broke, and I don’t have time to order my contacts, I am going to wait until I go home after finals to get new contacts. So my glasses are my best friends.
(side note, if Coenen doesn’t stop pacing around the room, I’m going to freak out. It is enough to listen to him talk about how contractual duties are either like contagious diseases, or like footballs, because you can give it to someone else, but you either still have it or you don’t. it would be my luck to get caught playing on the internet in the second to last day of class, having made it through the whole year without getting in trouble, even when my volume was turned on by accident and my computer stated “You’ve Got Mail” (luckily, Coenen was yelling about something as usual and didn’t notice)).
Today I thought I would be different and wear my blue frame glasses, instead of my clear ones. Now, I love my blue glasses, but they are much heavier than my clear ones (my clear ones are called 2.5, cause they weigh 2.5 grams, two and 1/2 paper clips). Plus, my blue glasses are my old prescription, very close to the current prescription, but just weak enough that I have a hard time copying Nick’s notes during class off his computer screen.
Last night I ate dinner with Cybil and Michael at Transmetropolitan, which never fails to be the worst restaurant still in business in athens that I find myself supporting. Especially since I am broke due to the fact that I bought Travers tickets to Galactic last week and he owes me money for them, even though I told him I wasn’t going to be able to eat if he didn’t pay me back. Ya’ll think I’m being dramatic, but I’m not, and you know what? I don’t have five pounds to lose right now. That is why I am going home this weekend to study and have my mom feed me, otherwise, by May 7th, people will start talking about my drug problem or my eating disorder. Okay, I am going to go get work done so I can hang out with Christie, who just got home from being in Aspen for six months and is coming to Athens today. If I see you often, I love you, and if I don’t, I miss you…..