the thin line between optimism and delusion…

I have decided that I don’t think my blog is very interesting or though provoking, and that it has dwindled into basically an ego-centric story of my day. I promise from now on to be more entertaining, or at least less self involved. Ya’ll really aren’t interested in what I had for lunch or the television shows I watched today. Ya’ll might be interested in my thoughts. there lies the difficulty. I haven’t had a lot of thoughts, and most of them are too law school related to be very interesting, but here is shot at being more interesting.

I think the first few years after college are really hard. I think college is really hard for most people, I know it was for me. Jennifer and I were discussing how we are amazed that people actually fall in love and get married and STAY MARRIED. This is amazing. We understand how people fall in love, but the staying in love seems to be the difficult part. I personally believe that you only stay in love if your relationship is based on something much bigger than the two of you, namely God and Christ. but then you get down to the based on part. If you can have a great foundation, then you can withstand a lot of stuff. but you know what? the world trade centers had a great foundation, the idea was suppose to be that they couldn’t be blown up from the bottom. But most things that attack you don’t attack you at your base. they attack you from the unexpected angle at the unexpected time. So, unless you feel like you have a good base AND that you moderately prepared for what the world is going to throw at you, it is really scary to start a relationship with someone else. Jennifer and I decided it is like selling an unfinished product, entirely too much liability is involved unless the product is close to completion.
I have a friend, an old friend whose relationship has dwindled in the past few years. She has been one of the most important persons in my life for a very long time, and for a very long time she has taken me for granted and really been rather mean to me. And you know what? I have taken it for a long time, because the good times and the friendship I have had with her in the past were of the highest quality I have ever experienced. But we have both changed, and it took us both a long time to accept that the other had changed. I have put a great deal of time and effort in the past at least 2 years into being a part of her life that has not been reciprocated because she is very important to me and I love her dearly. And you know, I’m stubborn, I don’t take no for an answer very well, and it takes me long time get a hint. I have a tendency that once I decide you are REALLY important, there isn’t a whole lot you can do to convince me to take you out of the category(it takes a while to get there). this is why God has protected me and not given me a lot of serious boyfriends so far, otherwise I feel sure I would be a wreck. And I know that she loves me. But I also know that I don’t understand how she can be so oblivious to my feelings. I understand that she thinks I am silly and that the things I stress about are not worth talking about, i don’t know, I know this isn’t the sort of interesting topic I was looking for. Obviously this is an unhealthy relationship for me that I have been in for almost seven years, and has been unhealthy for at least two. But part of this is my fault. I know that I often over estimate my emotional strength (I have an over confidence problem, in all areas of my life). I have given her the opportunity to not have to worry about my feelings for long enough that when I do protest, it is not well met. Well, I don’t have a lot of ex-boyfriends, and the ones I do have are my friends now, so i guess I deserve some bad relationship baggage. But I can promise you that it is most upsetting.