the thin line between optimism and delusion…

I’m in Greece!!
Thoughts from the trip over. In the summer time, everyone who is going anywhere is traveling in a group of at least ten, no one is by themselves, and they all think that there group is the only group on the plane and that everyone else should move to allow their group to all sit together. Americans are innately rude, especially in the JFK airport. I’ve never stood in so many lines, or seem so many near miss fistfights over a cup of coffee or a salad. Airplane movies are on average bad, sometimes you get a good one. Actually, normally they are either great movies you have already seen, or terribly awful movies that you never possessed the least desire to see.
Thoughts once I arrived in Greece. Greeks love food. Greeks drive and act a lot like italians, but honestly I think the Greeks are more concerned with food than italians. But that could just be because I am in a touristy area. Europe has great beer. and wine. We will see what Greece has to offer with the way of liquor, but I don’t have terribly high expectations.
So you know how everyone thinks Greece is probably really hot, well, it isn’t right now. The wind blows about 100 miles an hour around my hotel, and the temperature is about 75 at the hottest, around 65 in the evening, 60 in the morning (which is really cold in the wind). But, my hotel is designed for northern europeans, so we have great breakfast of bread, jam, butter, cheese, pancakes!, fresh fruit, excellent orange juice, good coffee, and chocolate. Dinner last night was a buffet of Greek meats, salad, pasta, cheese, etc. I don’t think I am going to starve, especially since there is a market right down from the hotel that has water, wine, BEER, crackers, cookies, etc, anything you would find at the Roo and more. One thing of note, not much bubble water, more no bubble than bubble, which I found surprising. maybe I just don’t know how to read Greek yet.
I have an excellent roommate, she is from San Antonio, went to Baylor undergrad, and just finished her first year at UT law school. I think we are going to be great friends. Okay, I am going to go find some cookies and maybe a coke to tide me over till lunch (I have one more class), after lunch, I might take a siesta, I am very tired……

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Lately, I have been working around the house, and watching movies based on Jane Austin novels on television. Not the old movies, but the new ones, with Gwyneth, Hugh, Ewan, Kate, and Colin. Of course Pride and Prejudice is my favorite, and i haven’t seen that one, but hey, I did watch part of Bridget Jones, which is very reminiscent. I wish I lived in a Jane Austin novel, they always get exciting, and then everything falls apart, and then everything comes together perfectly in the end. And you know it is going to come out perfectly because it is a Jane Austin novel, and they always turn out perfectly. I guess if I was living in the novel, I wouldn’t know that it was all going to work out, so maybe I don’t want to be in the novel. Because I am convinced my own life is going to work out perfectly, so what is the difference.
I am about to go wash my dogs, they are a little distressed. We just got an electric invisible fence, you know, with the shock collars. And we have been working with them for about a week, and they got shocked for the first time today. Bella got kinda stuck, and got shocked for a little longer than we meant for her to, because she wasn’t on a lease like she was suppose to be, and I had to pick her up (I got shocked a little too). Well, i had been a lot more worried about Bo getting shocked, because he is a lot more high strung of a dog, kinda skiddish. Well, Bo recovered from his shock much better than Bella. Bella woudn’t get out of my lap for about a half hour after she got shocked. I’m serious. We had to move the water bowl to her because we knew she was thirsty, but she woudn’t get out of my lap. The only way we finally got her out of my lap was to give Bo a treat, and she wanted one too.
I think Travers is having a party tonight. I think it will be tons of fun, Libby is coming into town, and there are lots of cute boys to play with. And Jennifer is coming into town as well, but I don’t think she is going out tonight, because she has to be at graduation so early in the morning for her little sister. Tomorrow my friend Ike is coming into town, and I am excited, since we haven’t really hung out in about ten years and I think we are going to have tons of fun.
I miss everyone, I love you all, and I hope I will see you all soon. hugs and kisses. XXXXXX OOOOOO

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Hey kids. I am propped up in my bed at 820 Milledge (augusta, not athens), taking advantage of the new wireless internet access that I hooked up for my parents. Really, it wasn’t for my benefit, since my room is the only room in the house perfectly situated to pick up wireless from the next door neighbors.
This has been quite a relaxing week. There are currently no boys in augusta that have to be sought out or avoided, which is awesome. Not that there aren’t lots of boys to see, but the ones that have a tendency to absorb my thoughts are all at least out of the city, most out of the state, and some out of the country, which leads to an atmosphere that could be boring, but is also good for my nerves. Not that I am left wanting for boys, since my brother’s friends provide ample attention and entertainment, but without the high stress and nerves of a crush.
I ate dinner with my married friends last night, Ginny and Robbie. And Ginny and I split a bottle of wine, left over from the wedding (once you open it, you have to drink it all). It is really interesting, all my friends that are in serious relationships, and/or married, really like me to hang out with them. Like Betsy and Nick like to take me on dates. I’m telling you, I’m a professional third wheel. This is not a problem most of the time, but it does have its own pressures. Like when Nick told me that he couldn’t wait to see who I ended up with (I was telling him about some crush). Nick was excited about my future relationship because he was sure that the guy was going to be awesome and lots of fun, which tons to bring to the table. Now, this is a lot of pressure. So when this comment was uttered, I started to think about some of current and past crushes, and how those boys would measure up. If, introduced to Nick, would they be considered lots of fun with tons to bring to the table? And, let me tell you, just because I have a crush on someone, doesn’t mean they have anything to bring to the table. I mean, most of the time I like boys who have good personalities, but sometimes I might just be physically attracted to them. Not that I am going to end up with some boy that doesn’t bring to the table, but, Nick’s words resound. Really, when I think about some of the boys I have entertained, and I think about whether or not Nick would have anything to say to the guy when Betsy and I went to the bathroom, I don’t always think i have very good taste. Of course, my brother is pretty good about pointing out the boys he doesn’t think much about. the pressure continues to mount. Just because I think the guy is great, what if my friends and my family think he sucks?
I don’t think you should let other people’s opinions influence you too much, but at the same time, I hope that my opinion is taken into consideration if Travers is dating someone I don’t think much about.
On another note, I ate dinner tonight at the Pizza Joint, which is definitely on my top three places to eat downtown in augusta, along with sunshine and luigi’s. Pizza Joint is so fun because you feel like you are kinda hidden from the street. And my friend Michael owns the place, and Michael is great, so eating there is fun because he is normally there. It is like having a standing invitation to eat at a friends house, and you are allowed to bring whoever you want, and stay as long as you want. Tonight it was Helen, Rachel, Paige and I. Good times, good weather.
I can’t believe I am going to Greece. I need to get my act together. I miss all my friends that I haven’t seen, mostly anyone who might read this. I miss you all and I love you all. I am coming to the ATL on monday, and will be progressing on to the ATH on tuesday, so, if you love me and you live in these towns, give me a holler.

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I apologize to everyone for not updating for about a week. I think I was suffering from post traumatic stress after our exams. No, really, there was something wrong with me. Friday night was a disaster, and I am confident that I made a fool of myself, but hey, what can you do.
Saturday I went out with Travers and his friends, not because I wanted to go out drinking again, but because they have a tendency to think I am a snob if I don’t go out with them. And since i can’t tolerate being unliked, I sucked it up and went out.
Sunday, my family ate lunch together, and made fun of each other, even though the only thing my mom asked for for mothers day was for no one to make sarcastic comments and to be pleasant during lunch. Well, that didn’t happen. After lunch we had some family bonding and watched the first season of IN LIVING COLOR dvd that I bought my mom for mothers day. That was fun. Then I went to Charleston to meet Jennifer at wild dunes, which was lots of fun. I needed to go somewhere that I didn’t have to talk to anyone and recover from my post traumatic stress.
Got back from Charleston last night, and went out with travers again, and Mary Beth, who is too cute. We had a big time. Before I went out, my mom and i realized that Bo (our lhasa apsa) had eaten a bag of cadbury mini eggs and everyone knows dogs aren’t allowed to eat chocolate, so we had to make him drink some hydrogyn peroxide, and make him sleep outside (he is fine this morning). I can’t find the most recent harry potter book in my house and i want to read it and I am irritated that I can’t find it. maybe it is under my bed….
Don’t think i am going to do the write on. And here are the reasons why.
1. I came to law school with the intent to obtain qualification in a profession that I thought I might enjoy on some level. qualification, not excellence.
2. Law school is something to do for the next two years, something to keep me from having to get a job.
3. I have always prided myself on being a severe under-achiever, and being in law school has made this catagorization of myself harder to maintain, and being on a journal would be even more detrimental to my personal image.
4. I have post traumatic stress from finals and I can’t be expected to think right now. I am handicapped.
5. I will not have the grades to be on anything no matter how hard I try.
6. If my brief was any indication, no journal wants me anyway.
7. There has to come a point when we know our own limitations and not waste our time on fruitless endeavors which, even if we succeed, will bring pleasure only through pride in ones self, and pride is the root of all evils. I would not enjoy being on a journal for the activity, I would enjoy being on a journal because it would make me feel smart and intelligent and like I was winning (very unhealthy).
8. I don’t want to write the stupid paper, I want to sit around and watch television and eat chocolate and drink coke.
9. My dad doesn’t pressure me to do stuff like law review because he doesn’t take my career seriously, but anyway, I would need pressure in order to write this paper.
10. No one is going to hire me anyway, who cares if I am on law review?

If ya’ll can relate, don’t do it. I miss you all and I hope you are having a fantabulous break.

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Okay, I think might be bordering on manic-depressive today. Earlier, when contemplating my civ pro exam with Adam, Justin and Elizabeth, I plunged to the depths of despair, thinking about how I don’t want to repeat next year simply because I couldn’t understand some rules that I will always have the opportunity to look up.
But I talked to Shane and he told me that it was going to get better, and that the hardest part is getting over the pride of not being at the top, and that you just have to remember that you are already at the top and get over the over-achiever’s fear of failure. And he gave me a dollar, which also brightened me up a little bit. But then the vending machine didn’t have Hershey bars, and that sent me spiraling again.
Then, I ran into an undergrad friend who is hoping to get into law school, he is on a waiting list and going to Vail for the summer. I admire his perseverance, I told him that I wouldn’t have gone to law school if I had known how hard it was going to be (if only there had been hershey bars, I would have been much more encouraging). Probably not what he wanted to hear, as soon as I said it, I regretted saying it. I always hated those people who discouraged my dreams, and when they said things like, I wouldn’t have done it if I had known how hard it was going to be, I thought things like, what a wuss, I am made of stronger stuff than that person. Also, it is like the kid with the ice cream cone (or a hershey bar)when you don’t have an ice cream cone and you wish you did who keeps complaining how it keeps dripping and making his hand sticky and that he wished he had gotten another flavor. And I hate that kid. So i felt bad about myself again. But I did tell him that I liked property (he should just be glad he didn’t catch me on tuesday…).
Then I ate lunch in the sunshine, and the sun baking down on me lifted my spirits as I thought about how I wished I had sunglasses, but how it was almost summer. And then Desmond and I discussed our strange guilt in being so excited about, and preplanning our drinking activities tomorrow. I don’t know, there is something guilty about being so excited about drinking unhealthy amounts alcohol, much more so than just having it happen on a random tuesday night. But then we starting talking about how it was all going to be over, and how we were going to be so happy. And then we discussed how beautiful north campus is and how we can’t complain that our occupation places us in such a calming and stately and beautiful place, especially when we have so many beautiful days. Even though the beautiful days are distracting, they are secretly encouraging.
On that note, I ran at the botanical gardens the other day, and let me tell you about how the place has transformed in the past two weeks. It has exploded, it is amazing how quickly it has overgrown after the rain. Running on a trail that i run all the time, and have been running for a year, I almost got lost like three different times. Trees down, on the path, in the river, in the woods. And my friend the snake (the one who scared the bejesus out of me two weeks ago) is still there, in the same place (on the path by the river, in about the middle point between tree path and tree path). After my run on wednesday, the wind was blowing the sun was bright and it was kinda chilly, like in the mountains, and I was overwhelmed by the beauty and the privilege of being exposed to such perfection, and then a car came down the road, and I moved to the side of the road and I ran straight into a sticker bush. And these were big stickers. AND THEY STUCK. In my leg. I had to pull them out one by one and it really hurt. okay, I’m off task.
After Desmond and I discussed the good things about law school, the people we liked, the fact that it has been a very happy year, I got excited and happy. And now I am positively thrilled. This is going to be over so soon. My roommate wants me to meet her in charleston next week at her condo on the beach, and my mom is coming to eat lunch with me tomorrow and my brother is coming tomorrow night to drink with me. Plus, Appel loves me and as such I don’t mind taking his exam because although most people think he is a jerk, he has been nothing but encouraging and friendly to me and I appreciate that. So what do i have to complain about? NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I’m telling you, MANIC-DEPRESSIVE).

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1. Call your Professor by his first name while you are eating lunch with other students. (As in yelling, “Hey Lonnie Brown!” outside between the locker room and the Terry college of business).

2. Sleep late, finally make it to the library around noon.

3. Play on the internet until 2.

4. Eat lunch outside and humiliate self (see 1)

5. Talk to other students about previous final (bad for self esteem)

6. Hang out with second years who have no sympathy and distract you with smoothies that taste funny. (especially when you didn’t need another smoothie, one smoothie a day is enough)

7. Check live journals compulsively

8. Call favorite teacher from high school who you haven’t spoken to since 10th grade.

9. Get just enough work done to realize that you probably could have learned all of the information if you have paid attention 1/4 of the time and had ever done your homework. (this is also bad for morale and self esteem)

10. Daydream about friday night and talk to other students about how much alcohol we are going to consume. We are going to be WASTED. (law students are so suppressed, I think friday could be really dangerous.

11. Answer phone calls from very good looking boy who doesn’t live in town and who only calls sporadically and never wants much except to see what I’m up to and tell me hey. (this is good for self esteem, but bad for concentration, increases daydreams)

12. Check ferry rates and schedules between greek islands. (also distracting and increases daydreams)

13. Hang out with roommate who is about to graduate, who also has an exam tomorrow and doesn’t want to study, and who is moving far away and therefore time is precious and can always justify not studying to chat.

14. Update live journal with inane thoughts.

15. Read blogs of people you don’t know and will never meet.

okay. that is enough for me. I am signing off. I love you all, I miss you all, I miss myself. I’m glad I’m not a crier, because otherwise I might be a puddle of tears. I’ve decided to give this week to God, and if he wants me to be an attorney, he will make it okay as long as I do as much as I can, and I can do more if I believe that I am doing it for God. I am a lily of the field. (good motivation). And if I do good, it is because God wanted me too, not because I am especially talented (don’t want to be insufferably smug – ha, like I’ll ever have those kinds of grades) So, less pressure, more motivation. New Mantra – “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” 2 Timothy 4:7

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I have gotten very little done all day, including the four hour exam I took this morning. But since I am letting my mind wander, I want to express to y’all something I am very excited about. I can’t wait for the new movie TROY to come out next week. I would buy tickets now if I thought I needed to. In addition to my excitement about this super cool movie with super cute actors set in the super cool setting of ancient greece (I’m a bit of a classics geek), I will be departing the continent three weeks from friday and arriving in modern day greece. One Athens to the next. I won’t be staying in athens, but I will be in greece a little over six weeks. And the craziest thing about this trip, is that so much has been going on in the past two months that I haven’t even had a chance to think about going. And I’m not going to have time to think about it until next week. I am really looking forward to blogging this summer and reading everyone else’s blog. That way if people want to know what I’m doing, they can check it out. Wow, six weeks in Europe on two islands in the mediterranean, eight hours of credit, just me, some tulane law students and justice scalia. I bet he will look hot out by the pool, somehow from his picture in our property book that he probably pretty hairy….

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Okay Troops, we need to buck up. Since none of y’all are in my section and aren’t competing with me for the lowest grade my class, I have some words of encouragement and sage advice:

– The unluckiest insolvent in the world is the man whose expenditure is too great for his income of ideas. – Christopher Morley (great reference to me about 10:30 this morning – last negative thought of the day, sorry)

– Will and intellect are one and the same. – Spinoza

– Here is a good rule of thumb,
Too clever, is dumb. – Ogden Nash

– The intelligent man who is proud of his intellect is like the condemned man who is proud of his large cell. – Simone Weil

– If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers. – Charles Dickens

– The aim of law is to maximize gratification of the nervous system of man.
– Learned Hand (we all love him)
– Law and order is one of the steps taken to maintain injustice. (so is law school)
– Edmond Burke
– Law school taught me one thing: how to take two situations that are exactly the same and show how they are different. – Hart Pomerantz

– That we are not not much sicker and much madder than we are is due exclusively to that most blessed and blessing of all natural graces, sleep. – Aldous Huxley

– We are drowning in information and starving for knowledge. -Rutherford D. Rogers

Now, I want you to all think back when you first decided that you wanted to go law school, and I want you to think of all the people in your major, at your job, in your Kaplan class, who also wanted to go to law school. Now, think about how many o those people in your past and present have been unsuccessful in their attempts to gain acceptance into law school. Think about your friends who just found out that they didn’t get into any of the schools they wanted to go to and are waitlisted at the other schools. Think about whether or not they would take the chance to do law school in four years. if kurtz called them and said, hey, we have a spot for you, you are just going to be in a remedial program and your first year will take two years and then you will be just like the other kids. Do you think they would take it in order to be able to walk away with a degree from UGA law? I think a lot of them might. Keep that in mind if you are really fretting about repeating. What is the worst that could happen? You at least won’t have to interview in august…..

“What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly.” – Thomas Paine (yep, he is family)

“I wasn’t listening though. I was thinking about something else – something crazy.”
– Holden Caulfield (Salinger)
“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistant one.” – Albert Einstein

“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said, I don’t know.”
– Mark Twain

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Since this is contracts, and prior performance and expectations have something to do with reliance and stuff, it is no surprise that I walked out of my exam with the knowledge that:
– My outline left a lot to be desired
– I have obviously learned nothing this semester
– I am an idiot. (this has been a reccuring contractual problem)

Now, none of these things should be a surprise, considering, as a rule, I normally feel like an idiot who has learned nothing when I leave Coenen’s class on a regular day. I’m not sure what made me think that today could possibly be different.
(honestly, some of the questions on the exam I thought were a joke, you know, phrases Coenen made up just to get a good laugh out of what we would all make up as an answer when there really was no answer because Coenen made it up. I even had my notes and outline and book, and still thought they were made up. Turns out this was just wishful thinking. Have fun if you signed up for his Con Law class, I’ve had enough.) (if I have to repeat first year because I failed this class (or all my classes) promise me y’all will still acknowledge me in the library with more than a comment to a first year like, “Yeah, she was in my section too, last year.”)

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I roll over and tried to focus on the window. My room is really sort of dark. I reach for my cell phone; no missed calls. I thought maybe my brother would have called me. It is his 25 birthday. I guess maybe I am suppose to call him on his birthday, but he has no patience and i thought maybe he would beat me to the punch. Or maybe he is on my couch and I just didn’t know he was in athens or that he still had a key. I hope he doesn’t scare my roommates. I hop out of bed, brush my teeth, decide against brushing my hair, and think about my day. I love my new perfume. I think I’m depressed. I have had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, even when I have had enough sleep. I saw a terrible movie last night with Jennifer and Maggie who have just dyed their hair. Jennifer dyed her hair brownish red (well, she had someone do it) and Maggie put bright pink streaks in her hair. I wish Katie had been here to go, although that would have just been another wasted $7.50. Of course she will probably go see it in D.C and waste $10. I think Pierce Brosnan is getting slack, since his character in 007 (license to kill) has been developed for the past 60 years, I think he is under the faulty impression that there is no need to develop his character in all his other movies. I hate static characters. In movies, books, real life. Of course, I don’t know what I think I know about real life. Betsy and I spend enough time (we are in the business school) pretending that we are training for real life, when really our real life in on the uncomfortable sofa in the den, or on the trails at the botanical garden, or at the morton, because the rest of the time we are only pretending. I look out the window once I get my glasses on and realize that it is rainy. I check the temperature on my computer and turn on some music. It is 70 degrees out. Suddenly, I am overwhelmed by the summer after my sophomore year. When Betsy was at Greystone and her parents moved to Boston, and Sarah and I made grill cheese everyday and she and Wes were broken up, and Katie and I watched movies and analyzed our personalities with Space. And Emory and I would go to Hodgsons and get ice cream from Bucky, and we would cook dinner with scott and weshiler and Kerry. And I was still hung up on mason (I saw him last week, in the same setting that I met him, it was our four year anniversay, and he thought I was very cute – because I was cute, and i thought about how much I have changed and how seeing him is like seeing an old friend from high school). And Emory and I thought it was fun to go run at 4 in the afternoon on the softball fields with no shade, because we were tough. But Katie was outrunning us by three or four miles. And i read lots of books, but mostly I read the lord of the rings. Books remind me of different times in my life. That summer also makes me think of Far From the Madding Crowd. And it rained the whole summer. I look at my clock. Today is not the day for daydreams. Today is the day for contracts. If only Ashley was around to show me how to be organized and productive, and to pretend to be shocked by my total lack of reality, when really it is what she loves about me. Ashley is getting married. Emory is getting married. Bucky is getting married. How did this happen? How is this year over? Law school is so all consuming, no wonder I’m not in love.

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