the thin line between optimism and delusion…

I roll over and tried to focus on the window. My room is really sort of dark. I reach for my cell phone; no missed calls. I thought maybe my brother would have called me. It is his 25 birthday. I guess maybe I am suppose to call him on his birthday, but he has no patience and i thought maybe he would beat me to the punch. Or maybe he is on my couch and I just didn’t know he was in athens or that he still had a key. I hope he doesn’t scare my roommates. I hop out of bed, brush my teeth, decide against brushing my hair, and think about my day. I love my new perfume. I think I’m depressed. I have had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, even when I have had enough sleep. I saw a terrible movie last night with Jennifer and Maggie who have just dyed their hair. Jennifer dyed her hair brownish red (well, she had someone do it) and Maggie put bright pink streaks in her hair. I wish Katie had been here to go, although that would have just been another wasted $7.50. Of course she will probably go see it in D.C and waste $10. I think Pierce Brosnan is getting slack, since his character in 007 (license to kill) has been developed for the past 60 years, I think he is under the faulty impression that there is no need to develop his character in all his other movies. I hate static characters. In movies, books, real life. Of course, I don’t know what I think I know about real life. Betsy and I spend enough time (we are in the business school) pretending that we are training for real life, when really our real life in on the uncomfortable sofa in the den, or on the trails at the botanical garden, or at the morton, because the rest of the time we are only pretending. I look out the window once I get my glasses on and realize that it is rainy. I check the temperature on my computer and turn on some music. It is 70 degrees out. Suddenly, I am overwhelmed by the summer after my sophomore year. When Betsy was at Greystone and her parents moved to Boston, and Sarah and I made grill cheese everyday and she and Wes were broken up, and Katie and I watched movies and analyzed our personalities with Space. And Emory and I would go to Hodgsons and get ice cream from Bucky, and we would cook dinner with scott and weshiler and Kerry. And I was still hung up on mason (I saw him last week, in the same setting that I met him, it was our four year anniversay, and he thought I was very cute – because I was cute, and i thought about how much I have changed and how seeing him is like seeing an old friend from high school). And Emory and I thought it was fun to go run at 4 in the afternoon on the softball fields with no shade, because we were tough. But Katie was outrunning us by three or four miles. And i read lots of books, but mostly I read the lord of the rings. Books remind me of different times in my life. That summer also makes me think of Far From the Madding Crowd. And it rained the whole summer. I look at my clock. Today is not the day for daydreams. Today is the day for contracts. If only Ashley was around to show me how to be organized and productive, and to pretend to be shocked by my total lack of reality, when really it is what she loves about me. Ashley is getting married. Emory is getting married. Bucky is getting married. How did this happen? How is this year over? Law school is so all consuming, no wonder I’m not in love.

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