the thin line between optimism and delusion…

If my textbooks were liquid, and I could drink them, i would be in much better shape that I am now. Especially if the liquid tasted like water or beer or Mr. Pibb. Not that I don’t love to read, but I am a compulsive drinker. I really need some sort of liquid around at all times so I can be drinking. The reason I have such a high tendency to lose my nalgene bottle is because I take it with me everywhere. I drink on average three nalgene bottles a day, and two or three Mr. Pibbs. Or at least, that is what I have had to drink today. Basically I drink over four liters of liquid a day. I think this is a problem. I didn’t always have this problem, I used to never drink water. i used to eat ice a lot, but then i decided to stop eating ice because it hurts my jaws, so now I don’t put ice in my drinks at all, so that way I won’t eat the ice. Because I drink all day long, when I drink alcohol, I have a hard time not drinking with the same frequency, and this is why I have a tendency to be overserved. it isn’t my fault, it is my ocd problem with liquids. Colder drinks are easier to drink fast, so for the most part, the only liquids I drink cold are cokes and beer. I can’t drink white wine, because I drink it too fast because it is cold, so I drink red wine. If I drink liquor, normally I drink cosmopolitans which have little pieces of ice sometimes, but if I drink another liqour drink I will use ice. Basically, I have an obsessive personality. I think i could have an addictive personality if given the chance, but for the most part I am just obsessive. I have a tendency to eat at the same restaraunt over and over, and read the same books over and over, and whatever, you get the picture. Jennifer says that it is just that I am always paying intent attention to something. Even though i have an attention deficit, the real problem is that I can’t focus on anything for very long, but I am always focusing, and when i am focusing, it is intently. This also leads to me having problems in a large group of people(parties, bars), because I much better one on one, since I either focus on one person and ignore everyone else, or I focus on everyone for five minutes and don’t have a real conversation with anyone. The great thing about adderoll is that it helps me stay focused on one thing, but I just have to make sure I get focused on the right thing, otherwise I will end up studying maps of ancient greece for hours or wasting time writing in my live journal……….oh, and on another note, I have mentioned this before, but it is really interesting that I forget that people in law school are here because they have a certain make up. most people in law school are overly analytical people with surpressed personalities. I mean this is in the nicest way possible. I am overly analytical with a tendency to dwell on things. somehow this works out because, as cristina says, I’m not lacking in the confidence. Actually, more than confidence, i think it is my refusal to think anything but the best possible explanation. if some boy doesn’t like me, well, maybe there is something about me that he doesn’t like, but it isn’t me (this is where the delusion comes in). It takes a lot for meto be convinced that someone really just doesn’t like me, girl or boy. Because, if someone really doesn’t like me, then I just don’t care to know about it, unless there is something I can do to fix the situation. otherwise, I prefer to be ignorant. You should always think the best, because it doesn’t help to think otherwise.

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so i have taken the what rule of civil procedure are you, and this is the exciting result:
YOU ARE RULE 8(a)! You are Rule 8, the most laid back of all the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure. While your forefather in the Federal Rules may have been a stickler for details and particularity, you have clearly rebelled by being pleasant and easy-going. Rule 8 only requires that a plaintiff provide a short and plain statement of a claim on which a court can grant relief. While there is much to be lauded in your approach, your good nature sometimes gets you in trouble, and you often have to rely on your good friend, Rule 56, to bail you out.
(Rule 56 is Summary Judgment, I’m not sure how this applies.). other than that, I think this is pretty appropriate. I am such a geek, I’ve got to get a life.

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I love the spring time, except for the fact that I can’t breathe. I always forget that i have allergies, and they change from year to year. Like one year I was allergic to grass at the tournament, and I couldn’t wear my contacts all week. this year I think it is the yellow pollen, but then again they say that if you can see the pollen, then it is too big to inhale. I had a spectacular weekend, friday night was tons of fun, my wonderful friend Sarah was in town and we painted the town. Saturday I had a blast with Cristina at the mall in atlanta, and saturday night I got to spend time with three of my loves; Betsy, Katie, and Ashley. SInce last week was my most scattered week ever, I left all of my clothes for the ATL on my bed, and had to buy an outfit in atlanta, because I didn’t have any clothes. i’m an idiot. I need someone to follow me around and pick up all the stuff that I drop. Christy said there are lawyers out there that have people like that, so this is an aspiration. Although I kept Betsy’s whole family awake with my coughing, overall it was very enjoyable. Sunday we went to a shower for Ashley and John who are getting married, and I felt very privileged to be included in their list of friends, because I love them. Sunday was also tears, because Katie had to fly back to DC. It was also Katie’s birthday!!! I miss my old life, and lots of times I don’t have time to think about it, but it can be really hard to see my precious friends from college and to know that time is over. It is difficult because I want to live in the past, present and future. I think this was a huge problem in the fall, because I didn’t want to make too many close new friends, because I hadn’t accepted the fact that my old friends were gone. not gone in the sense that they aren’t my friends anymore, but gone in the fact that they aren’t available to take personal days with me and to watch the bourne identity over and over again(just to make sure we didn’t miss anything). Moving on is difficult. Amazingly enough, it makes me feel bad that have made new friends, I kinda feel like I am cheating on my old friends, but at the same time, I am unhappy living in the past. So it is just important to accept the fact that friendships evolve and serve many different purposes as the years progress. I don’t want it to seem like I am categorizing my friends, I don’t want anyone to be labeled an OLD friend or a NEW friend, because both seem impersonal and inappropriate. I don’t know what I am talking about. i love my law school friends, they mean so much to me, this year has been rough. but I wouldn’t be here without my friends from college, and nothing is going to change that. Sorry forthe negative tone of this entry, I’m really not sad. Law school is starting to feel like a small, close knit group of people, I don’t want people to graduate. and i don’t want my second year friends to disappear next year. basically, if you can’t tell, i don’t really embrace change. My new favorite person is Clay Aiken, I think he is awesome. I bought his CD from I-tunes(greatest thing ever), because I think he is the kind of person we should all support. I know a lot of you will be appalled at this confession, but he is a great person, and I can’t believe that he lost american idol, I think it was rigged.

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in the last 25 hours I have locked myself out of my house, spilt an entire nalgine bottle all over my bed (right before I wanted to go to sleep), and had an alarm clock malfuction that caused me to miss torts. and i really didn’t need to miss torts. I think I am going to blame all of this on the pollen. I did see an awesome movie last night, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I recommend this movie to everyone, all about relationships. On the note of this movie, I have a question for everyone. DO I REMIND YOU OF KIRSTEN DUNST? I can’t figure out this phenomena, but it started a few years ago when a guy in a bar told me I looked like I movie star. I thought he was just telling me I looked pretty, and i say thank you, and he say, “What’s her name? Let me find my girlfriend and find out what her name is, she was in that cheerleader movie.” Well, turns out he thinks I look like Kirsten. After that, my best friend from home, her mother spent the whole movie of Crazy Beautiful thinking that Kirsten looked like me. any of you who have seen this movie will not that she doesn’t take showers and is pretty nuts. Then, not long after that, in a bar in colorado, I had two guys come up to me and tell me that they have been staring at me for the last 45 minutes trying to decide whether or not I was Kirsten Dunst. not just that they thought I looked like her, but that they thought i was her. then one of the guys told me that he has permission from his girlfriend to make out with Kirsten if ever given the chance, and he and his friend were pretty sure i was her. This sounds like the worst pick up line ever, but once these guys were convinced I wasn’t her, they weren’t real interested in talking to me anymore. I think they were at least 18, but I’m not sure. Since then I have had some comments, but when she dyed her hair red, less people commented. Well, now she is back blond, and I watched the movie closely last night to see if maybe I could tell what features we have in common. Really,I am at a loss. different noses, our faces are shaped differently, different body types (most of the time i get body type comments from Julia Stiles, in 10 things I hate about you). Really, I’m not at all offended about looking like Kirsten, she is beautiful. I am just fascinated because I can’t see it. So after the movie last night I told Will that people tell me I look like Kirsten, and his response was, “Yeah, I was going to say that, she did remind me of you.” I would love to hear what ya’ll think about this, really, I’m fascinated.

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I’m going to have to end a long term relationship with a very special drug. I am breaking up with caffeine. This is going to be very difficult, since my favorite drink is Mr. Pibb (sometimes coke) and my favorite food is chocolate. Plus caffeine is in everything else that I depend on. Since I suffer from migraines, my migraine medicine has caffeine in it. I also love coffee, except I have been drinking decaf coffee for a while. the reason I am going to have to break off this relationship is because I took an alka seltzer morning relief this morning, and I am a wreck. I hate feeling like this. I rolled out of bed this morning, regretting all of the beer I drank last night, and got the bright idea to roll on over to the BP across the street (in my pajamas). I thought that a power aid and a morning relief would make me feel better, what I didn’t think about was how the women behind the counter was going to laugh at what I looked like and what I was buying. and she did laugh. whatever. Then I ate some lasagna and watched the quality film st elmos fire on one of the HBOs we pay millions of dollars for. Now I am sitting in class having a panic attack because of the caffeine in the morning relief I took. I mean, i might start grinding my teeth soon. Appel is being pretty funny though, I love this class. He puts so much time and effort into the presentation of the information in this class, I just really appreciate the effort.
Back to last night, I had a GREAT time last night. I am becoming a regular at nowhere bar (which means I get to run into John Paul on a regular basis), they didn’t even ID me when i came in the door. I have been told before that this isn’t because I look like I’m 21, but only that they know me, and that this isn’t a good thing. I hate to still be talking about this, but I am still having a panic attack. Last night was a blast, I love all my law school friends, especially all of the awesome guys who think being gay is the only reason a guy wouldn’t want to date me. I appreciate the support, love and encouragement. Ian, Nick and Jason have a list of four second year boys that I am allowed to go out with, two of which have girlfriends. Awesome. Dave took on the heavy burden of making sure that maggie and I both made it home okay last night, watching to make sure we got in the door without someone grabbing us before driving off (all boys should do this). I love maggie. I wish she and I could hang out all the time. My bitches and I are still planning on laying out somewhere today, I’m not sure where. hopefully somewhere with lots of undergrads that work out too much and sleep in the tanning bed. I wonder if maggie got her paper written this morning. I am in an awesome mood. okay, 12:20, time to go.

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I have a misprint in my previous post, when listing my bitches, I said allison twice, when one of those allisons was suppose to be a Christy. christy, I am too tired to be held responsible, i apologize.

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I am going to pass out. I am so sleepy. For lunch today, Christy, Allison, Cristina, Cybil and I met my mom and Bella at Big City Bread. This was cybil’s bright idea, and it was a great idea. Bella had a blast eating rocks and slobbering on the small children who wanted to love on her. Mama and Bella are in town for Bella’s check up, she tore her ACL playing basketball with Travers in early december, and had to have reconstructive surgery. for those of you who don’t know, Bella is my family’s english bulldog. really she is the most beloved child these days with my parents. Bo is our other dog, who is also well loved, but doesn’t demand the attention that Bella does. Really, i don’t know why I am so sleepy, I have got to snap out of this coma.
The greatest thing that has happened so far today is that contracts class has been cancelled for tomorrow. I am very happy about this. This is going to open up the opportunity for me and my bitches (Cristina, Allison, Cybil, Allison, Elizabeth, etc) to lay out in the sun, because it is going to be 77 degrees tomorrow. I’m so pumped.
So tonight we have a softball game against Y. I’m pretty confident that we are going to win. Our section is obviously superior overall, and I feel good about our chances. Even if we don’t win, we will have more fun than Y, and that is the most important thing. okay, I am going to go pay attention to Lonnie, I think today could be interesting!!! I LOVE CLASS!! I’m looking forward to outlining soon, it should greatly enrich my life.

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I have been neglecting my journal lately, and this is not acceptable. Right now I am in property class, and since I haven’t been paying attention so far, I see no reason to start now. Actually, i am paying attention, I’m just not taking notes. but I am absorbing, don’t you worry. I had the strangest dream last night, I dreamed I had a cat that I took with me everywhere, and I dreamed that a bunch of my friends from home, friends that have never dated and never will date, in my dream these friends fell in love and were getting married, and it was very strange. I wanted to shake them and say, “GET OUT OF AUGUSTA, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!” which is not really necessary because my dream was very unrealistic and isn’t going to happen. Maybe this is the result of being in augusta on friday night. Cristina and I went out with Travers, who insisted on wearing his new air jordans out to the bar, and we went to the Soul Bar. It happened to be 80s night at the Soul Bar, and wonderful David Wright was there, although he wasn’t dressed up (he dresses up last friday night because he thought last friday was 80s night and it wasn’t). David and I danced for a while, and then jennifer, cristina and i sat in the window and watched people come in and out, which was a little scary. I saw quite a few people that i hadn’t seen since I graduated from high school, and some of them have undergone serious alternations in their image. Overall, 80s night at the Soul Bar was a lot of fun, but it really was a flashback. Saturday night was the Barrister’s Ball, aka the Law School Prom. This was lots of fun. More than anything I was excited about wearing my new dress and my tall shoes. It is amazing what three inches can do for your outlook on the world. I don’t know why I like to wear tall shoes, they hurt my feet very badly, but sometimes it is fun. I think i just like the change. If I wear sort of tall shoes all the time, and then I wear flip flops, I love that too. Because if I have on shoes that make me a couple inches taller, I get used to how tall i am compared to other people, and then when I have on flip flops I feel short in comparison to the people that I see everyday. Boys don’t have the fun of changing how tall they are. Actually, boys miss out on a lot of stuff. they don’t get to dramatically change their look from day to night with make up, they don’t get to have drastic haircuts (most of the time), and they don’t have a lot of options when it comes to formal wear. Wearing tall, strappy shoes are a great idea if all you have to do is stand around and look pretty, but if your plans include getting kicked out of a cab at 2:30 in the morning 2 miles from home with scattered showers in the forecast, tall strappy shoes are much less functional. Our cab driver was on all kinds of drugs and just really wanted to yell at Dean, Cristina and me. In the end, he demanded that I pay him immediately, so I gave him 3 dollar bills, 3 quarters, and 25 pennies. This didn’t sit so well with him, and he kicked me out and pretended to call the police. being the brat that I happen to be, I decided that he was welcome to call the police, I called my parents and told them that I was about to be arrested for trying to pay with pennies. note to self, don’t call parents in the middle of the night when drunk unless already in jail, or physically injured.

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I love the smell of old books. I love the smell of books in general, but especially old books. they make me happy. lets talk about how unproductive I am as a person. No, lets talk about how I am going to turn over a new leaf. my list of personal improvements to take effect immediately and last at least until may 7th include stopping the following activities:
1. complaining about my life. (my life is awesome, I don’t have a job, i have unbelievable friends, live in a beautiful place and get to eat at yummy restaurants on a regular basis)
2. sitting in the corner at bars and gossiping (very unattractive, gets you nowhere, and especially if you are drinking greatly increases the likelihood that you might say something you will regret tomorrow)
3. scratching my sun poisoning on my neck (equally unattractive, and hurts)
4. coming to the library to study, and playing around on the computer for hours and getting nothing done (if I have to be here, I should at least get something done, otherwise I should go home and watch a movie)
5. losing nalgene bottles (I lost my purple and gold one, very depressing)
6. copying nick’s notes (I have to learn how to take notes without training wheels, I can do it, it just involved not playing on the internet or checking my email.
7. assuming that everyone knows I am kidding most of the time. (not everyone appreciates my sense of humor about my ego, it is something to be sensitive to)
8. drinking too much beer and leaving my car downtown overnight (although this is better than driving my car home, I need to learn some responsibility)
9. dreaming about what my life would be like if I lived in Colorado and got to ski all the time and drink Sunshine.

that is enough new rules for today, from now one I am going to look at the bright side of things:
1. cases are just short stories, to be read with pleasure and enjoyment
2. law school is intellectually stimulating with the opportunity for growth through adversity and defeat.
3. I can do anything for six weeks, I can do anything for six weeks.
4. Elle Woods is my idol, she turned her first year around when no one believed her or took her seriously, I can too.
5. Maybe one day my parents will take my law school career seriously, and until then, I should appreciate the lack of pressure.

that is enough bullshit for today. I have it on good authority that the Golf Traffic signs have returned to the beautiful streets of augusta, I just wish they didn’t direct all the traffic down my street. Cristina, Allison, Elizabeth and I are going to have a fashion show tonight to decide exactly what we should all wear on Saturday night. I love the opportunity to get all dressed up. Cristina and I are going to augusta tomorrow for the night, and our plans include eating homemade lasagna, playing with bella and bo, going for a jog, and getting pedicures. (and maybe making a stop by bojangles, who knows?) I am happy to report that I am no longer dateless, which is awesome. okay, I am going to go be a good little law student and stop playing with my books open.

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Okay, so I am back from the most fun week ever, and this week is a stark contrast to last week. Last week I was learning how to be a jibber and how to drink my weight in beer at 9000 feet while keeping my balance and looking cute all at the same time (I’ve always thought skiing and drinking at the same time was a very bad idea, kinda like drinking and driving, but just without the seatbelt or metal frame of the car, but my friends in snowmass disagreed, they think Ski Patrol can always rescue you). This week I am suffering from sun poisoning, lack of motivation, bad self esteem, and pollen. the sun poisoning is due to the fact that I didn’t put sunscreen on my neck the first day I was in snowmass, the lack of motivation is due to my temporary lack of imagination, I need imagination to make up reasons why all of this pressure and stress is necessary. The bad self esteem stems from the fact that I don’t have a date to law school prom, I don’t know how this happened, but there is still time (see, I’m still optimistic), and the pollen is just a problem in general, aggravated by the fact that I feel the need to run outside (running is necessary to deal with the afore-mentioned pressure and stress). But other than these minor details, it is a beautiful day and it is st patricks day. The fact that it is st patricks day means little beyond the opportunity to practice my beer drinking skills from last week. Also, green is not my color. I don’t really own anything green, because it is such a terrible look for me. Honestly, I have so much work to do, i can’t even begin to think about how to start any of it. sigh. on a better note, I have found a friend who is going to be on my study abroad, she is a first year at Tulane, we have lots of similar friends, and I am much relieved to know that I won’t be all by myself to begin with. Okay, I have to go listen to Lonnie Brown for an hour and a half because the saint of a man canceled class friday before spring break. I can’t complain. (well, i couldn’t, but I won’t).

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