the thin line between optimism and delusion…

Have you ever noticed that there are certain groups of friends that when you run into them they like to share stories about what they remember the most about you? I find this interesting. Because it isn’t always the same groups of people, but it seems likeonce the group starts the “what I remember best” it is hard to stop. I know that I have a tendency to do this as well. Like this weekend, I ran into lots of friends from college. One group, the group I spent most of my freshman year with (lets call them group A), and hung out with in the dorm, when I saw them, they wanted to talk about what they remembered about me. I think this is probably because for the most part group A is still intact; they still live together, or at least visit each other, and talk on the phone a lot. But they only see me on occasion and so it is easy for them to reminisce about me, because I am not in the picture much anymore. It is as if when I run into group A, even though at the moment we are together, really we exist for each other in the past, and the memories are the most vivid part.

In contrast, two of my roommates from college stayed with me this weekend, and we discussed one of our other roommates who was not present (we will call this group B, mostly roommates from Windsor). These roommates ended up being my closest friends in college, and even though I love my friends in group A and I definitely think of them as friends in the present, group B contains the friends that I talk to on the phone on a regular basis and the ones I visit regularly. For this discussion, I will include myself in group B. So this weekend group B is discussing a member of the group that is not present. And we spoke of her in a manner similar to the way that group A discussed me. And this particular absent friend has been living out of the state for about the past last year. And we don’t see her much. I talk to her more than the other two, and I probably see her more than the other two.

The question here that I am asking is, at what point do your friends start to talk about you in the past tense? I don’t think that this has anything to do with how much your friends like you. It is just a reference to how you used to be an every day part of their life, and now you aren’t. And I don’t think that this is anything that should be seen as negative, obviously you are important if you are still being discussed. Also, you can’t live in two different places very easily. This can apply if you just moved from Atlanta to Athens, but you go to Atlanta two or three times a week, and still talk to your friends in Atlanta all day, and don’t make friends in Athens because you still rely so heavily on your friends in Atlanta ( I mean, you are planning on moving back there anyway). This can also apply to living in the past. Well, you can’t help physically living in the present, and like I said, living in two places at one time is not good. The bottom line is that moving on in your life is good, and although you might be able to keep up with a lot of your friends from college, you can’t keep up with all of them.

But you know what? It still kinda hurts. It is sad to be thought of in the past, and it is upsetting for me to think of certain friends are being in the past. Whenever a friend starts a sentence like, “What I remember best about you…..,” it is bittersweet. It is really sweet to be remember well, and for people to have vivid, particular memories about you (as long as they aren’t too embarrassing). I would never start such a sentence like this when speaking about a friend who was part of my everyday life unless the conversation was already underway. If one of my other friends began discussing what they remembered about a mutual friend, I am sure I would have input, even if the mutual friend was part of my present. Do you think that the more you talk about someone in the past tense, the more you think about them that way? I am scared of group dynamics, and it is scary that someone in a group could have the whole group thinking about an absent member in the past tense, even if the absent member is not past tense, just absent. I definitely have friends who are absent, but not past tense. I also probably have friends who are present but are past tense. Will group B one day talk about me in the past tense?

I guess this is just part of growing up. I’m not actually asking a question here, and I don’t have any answers, this is just a thought that I can’t get out of my mind. It seems to stem from a fear I have about being considered the past. Which is stupid. Obviously something about me is afraid to move on, and doesn’t like change. Maybe this is something that I need to work on.

Saturday I went to one of the most fun football games I have ever been to in my life. It was more fun than I can express. I had a good feeling about the game, I really thought that we were going to pull through and win, but I never thought that we would stomp LSU into the ground. I did feel bad for the lone LSU fan that was sitting behind me, but then again, I have been there. I admired this LSU fan because he didn’t leave. He stayed with his team, even when his team was losing. I don’t like fair-weather fans. But this was all just a fleeting though, since I had too much to think about – reveling in the fact that our offense was finally clicking and that our defense is still awesome!! This is going to be a fun fall and I am excited. Oh, and Thomas Davis is my hero.

When you know that you are going to be called on in a class (because the teacher ended with you last time, and this is how he does things), don’t eat your sandwich and play on the internet during his lecture. He will call on you, and you will be eating, and then you won’t know what is going on. Oh, and read the statute that you know you are going to have to talk about BEFORE class. They are harder to read on the spot. You don’t sound as intelligent.

My friend from home who I grew up with, Andy Allen, has recently joined the peace corp. Andy is in Morocco and will be there for 2 years. In order to keep us all updated, Andy has started a blog, and if you want to know what it would be like to be in the peace corp in Morocco, check out this link http://anallen.blogspot.com. There are pictures of Andy and everything. I am excited about following Andy’s journey, and I hope that y’all are too!

I almost died today. I mean, it wasn’t that big of a deal, lets put it this way, I could have died this morning. When I woke up this morning, I was confused about what was making the noise on my roof. Then I realized it was the torrential downpour of rain from Hurricane Jeanne. Once I came to this conclusion, I vacillated between whether it was worth it to wash and dry my hair, considering that the weather would just cause it to freak out on me later in the day. I decided to go with the decision to be clean. When dressed, I determined that I needed something to eat, and, even though I could not find my umbrella, I went to Kroger for some Chick Fil A instead of opting for something that didn’t involve getting out of the car. When I tried to get out of my car in the Kroger parking lot, the wind caught my door and tried to blow it off the hinges. I kinda take this personally, because I am rather attached to my car.

It made me contemplate how even if I could have a new car tomorrow, I would prefer my old car (except that if someone was going to give me new car, I would take it because who knows if any one will ever offer me a new car ever again). I’ve never had a brand new car, and this might be cool, but the bottom line is I’m attached to this one, and they don’t make the style that I have now anymore. Certain cars are better old. Not that I think my car model is one of them (because it isn’t), but you know how you loved your uncle’s old wagoneer? And how your friends in high school all had Bronco’s? Other cars that are still made, but were better in the old version are, Troopers, 4-runners, and those old mercedes convertibles that came in cool colors like metallic blue.

Back to how I almost died. Okay, after going to Kroger I stopped off at home to try to find the hood to my ski jacket I was wearing because I can’t find my rain jacket, and I found an umbrella. So the ski jacket was abandoned for a fleece with a hood. I’m feeling much better about the rain, equipped with my folding umbrella; and once safely parked in the deck, I set out for school, umbrella up, hoping to not blow away.

As it happens, what you worry about is not what happens. I was distressed that my little umbrella might blow inside out in the gale force winds. As I trapse across the quad, careful to stay on the sidewalk (because the tree gods get mad when you don’t stay on the path during storms, I’ve seen people barely miss limbs thrown at them), I am thinking about what I need to get out of my locker when I am startled out of my thought by a noise like, “whoooosh-thump”, as about 30 feet in front of me a huge limb falls from the sky and lands directly across my trajectory. I mean, if I hadn’t taken the time to open my umbrella, or if I hadn’t stopped to listen to the end of that song on the radio, the limb would have gotten me. Although the chances of another limb falling on the same path are not good, I decided not to risk it. I doubled back, and went all the way around the quad, trying to avoid trees at all cost. I think Megan is right, the trees are out to get us.

My mom is always worried about the hackberry trees in our backyard. But she isn’t worried that they are going to drop a limb on us. She is worried they are going to topple over on top of us (or, more importantly, one of the dogs). I think she should worry about the oaks throwing things. I learned yesterday on television that the oak is America’s national tree. I just hope that no one gets hurt on north campus.

Last night was fun. I went to the girls high school and middle school bible study I am helping with, and I really enjoyed it. It is nice to see what Athens is like from a family standpoint, and it is refreshing to be around. After that I went to Theta, to catch the end of that bible study, and I liked this even more. I love Theta, and I know that on some levels I should just move on, but I think I have moved on, and now I can serve Theta in a different capacity. The girls there last night are girls that I care a lot about, girls that I rushed, and girls that I lived in the house with. I know it will be different when those girls are gone, but for now, I am glad they are still there. That house means a lot to me. I also really appreciate Julie Powell, who leads the bible study. She doesn’t have to do that, and she does it strictly out of the goodness of her heart and her love of God. She doesn’t have any ties to Theta, but she is very much needed. She was sick last night and came anyways. I hope she feels better. It was good to be there last night, sometimes I think i have had some of the most important conversations of my life in the parking lot of that house.

This entry was not suppose to be this long, I have to go read for workers comp.