the thin line between optimism and delusion…

Libby and I discussed today that sometimes we don’t understand why sometimes we are happy and sometimes we aren’t. I like this post by Larry about mood swings. I don’t think I want to get rid of the mountains and valleys, but I do agree that they both take a lot of energy.

We lost. I am upset. I wanted to go to the Braves game tonight, but I don’t think I can be emotionally involved in anymore sporting events for a couple of days. I also don’t think I want to drink any alcohol today (drinking beer is a requirement at turner field). I’m just not in the mood.

Yesterday was my birthday, which was exciting. I was still a little upset about the game, but the way I look at it, we were going to lose as some point, either to Tennessee, Florida, or Auburn, and it is better to lose early than late. And I really hate Auburn and Florida more than I hate Tennessee. Although I still hate Tennessee. Our schedule is like a mine field. But back to my birthday. It is hard when your birthday is on a sunday, because regardless of what people say, celebrating your birthday on a different day than your actual birthday is not the same, and I was all partied out yesterday. Football weekends are draining. I hope this weekend is a little more laid back than the past two. Don’t get me wrong, I love football season. I think it is so amazing that the whole state comes into town and has a huge party six times a year. I don’t think many cultures can boast of such a ritual. Of course, the party’s lifespan is contingent on whether we win or not. This week the hopes of a state were dashed on the concrete of rocky top and the party was over. The strangest part of the lose this week is that we haven’t lost at home in somewhere around 17 or 18 games. Christy and I decided that the last game we lost at home was my junior year of college, her senior year. We think it might have been the Auburn game, but we aren’t sure. We know we lost to South Carolina at home that year. It hurts when you get used to winning.

This brings up a topic that I have been thinking about lately. Why is it that one negative comment, or one rejection, can black out a hundred positive comments or successes? Does it have to do with the fact that people are cynical? Or overly sensitive? What makes us believe the bad things and disregard the good? It could be as stupid as this. Lets say that you are getting dressed to go out, and your roommate, or best friend, tells you that you look good. You trust your roommate (because you have every reason to trust her and because you know she care about you). You are secure in the fact that your roommate likes your outfit and that your roommate has good tastes. Lets even add the fact that your mom was with you when you bought the outfit, and you know your mom does not let you buy things that look bad on you. Now, you go out, and see a girl that you don’t like, whom you don’t trust (with good reason), and who dresses in a way that you would never dress. This girl could make a sly comment indicating that something is inappropriate about what you are wearing, or in some other way implant in your mind negative thoughts about your clothes. This is the sort of thing that mean girls do. And they are good at it. Even though in your head, you know that this girl is mean and that her comments and criticism are the product of the way she feels about herself and have nothing to do with what she actually thinks about your outfit, such a comment could ruin your night. Or it could ruin my night – or at least ruin the outfit for me. Even though my roommate and my mom are the one to be believed.

I almost think it is worse when it is something that everyone likes. In the above example, if it is an outfit that everyone has complimented you on, and one person disapproves of, it is difficult to get the negative comment to disappear. My name is a good example of this. When I meet new people, my name has a tendency to need explanation, or at least invokes comment. Most of time it is good feedback – people say they like it, that it is pretty, that they haven’t ever heard it before, that the know one other Charlsie, etc. But sometimes the comments are less overtly positive. Sometimes I will meet someone and the person will say, “Charlsie, well….that is different.” Or, “Charlsie, huh. That’s interesting.” Now, most of the time, it is said like this: “Charlsie, wow, that’s different!” (with enthusiasm). With certain women, the, “That’s different” carries with it a negative connotation (this is just my experience, but men don’t use different to have a negative connotation with regards to my name, and most women don’t either, but some women do). “Different” and “interesting” are good things in my opinion. But some people are able to use these words to hurt my feelings. Now, let us be serious here for a second; I LOVE MY NAME. And I don’t let the handful of people who don’t like my name get to me. I need no positive re-enforcement that my name is cool. I am totally secure in my name. But at the same time I do notice when people don’t warm to my name. Is this because everyone likes my name and I am used to it being liked? Have I become dependent on the fact that people are going to think my name is cool, and I lose a part of my identity when I don’t get positive affirmation? I hope the answer to these questions is “no”, but I think there is a large possibility that the answer is “yes.” I am rambling, I have to go to class, but it is something to think about.

I have good feelings about the state of Georgia and our flagship teams. The Braves won last night, and the Dawgs are going to win tomorrow. I almost went to the Braves game last night, but I didn’t. I think I am going on Monday. But that will involve missing some class, and I need to decide whether it is worth it or not. You just neve know how long the Braves are going to last in October, and it is fun to go while you can. There has been a chill in the air and Turner Field is a lot more fun when it is chilly than when it is 105 degrees.

With regards to the Dawgs, my current hero is Thomas Davis. I love to watch UGA’s defense on the field. In addition, he is a free safety. And I would love to be a free safety. Growing up in a football family is fun, except if you are girl you are inherently left out of things. I always figured that if I had been able to play (I never really considered if I had been a boy, just if I COULD have played football, I would have wanted to be a free safety). On the other side of the ball, I love this quote off of ESPN.Com by Ivan Maisel:
Friday, Oct. 8
Phil Fulmer said this week that he felt as if David Greene and David Pollack had been at Georgia as long as he has been at Tennessee. That brings up this point — Greene has won 36 games in his college career. No. 37 comes Saturday, and the record for wins by a college quarterback is 39, set by Fulmer’s own Peyton Manning.

I would love David Greene to break some records. I read the other records that Greene is about to break the other day but I can’t remember all the numbers, but Greene threw 5 touchdown passes last weekend, which was a school record I believe. People don’t appreciate him like they should in my opinion. At least last week we learned that Shockley is shaping up well himself. I’m telling you, this weekend is going to be wild. I can’t breathe I am so excited.

I don’t actually know anything about any other teams in Georgia, mostly because I don’t care much about Tech, I mean, they are in the ACC. But, GO DAWGS and GO BRAVES!

Most of the time I am pretty comfortable playing Russian roulette with regards to being called on in class when I am unprepared and I hate telling the teacher beforehand that I am unprepared. But every once in a while there are situations when I need to go ahead and pass before class starts. Like today. I have friends coming in town this weekend for the football game and some of them are already here. And we went out last night. And it has been a while since I have had motivation in Trust and Estates. Don’t get me wrong, it is probably my favorite class, but it is easy to follow along in class even when you haven’t read and I am lazy. Oh yeah, and my book is at home. So I’m not even able to wing it today. I am that unprepared (I always bring my book to every class, this is the first class all semester that I haven’t had my book, I love my book. I love all books, and my law books and I spend a lot of time together and I am attached). I’m having a Peter Gibbons day – I just want to avoid being hassled, that is all I ask. In order to avoid being hassled I had the following conversation with my teacher:
Charlsie: “Professor Love, I am not prepared.”
P. Sarajane Love: “And what is your name?”
Charlsie: “Charlsie Paine”
P. Sarajane Love: “Wow, good thing you told me because your number was up.” (sort of punches me in the arm)
Charlsie: “Great.” (laugh nervously)

There are at least 80 people in this class. This was my first pass of the year. I am regularly unprepared. I am very lucky.

I didn’t what a lot of the debate. I wasn’t in the mood, I was actually in a bad mood and watching a debate was not going to make it better. But I did flip to it a couple of times while watching One Tree Hill (which is not a good show, but I like it), and reruns of Sex and the City. The one thing I did get out of the debate was that John Edwards was straight up rude to Dick Cheney. I hate politics, and before last night I did not have strong feelings about Cheney or Edwards. I have actually always liked both of them, if I thought about (which I normally didn’t). But they both seem to have cool families. I know very little about Edwards, but I have heard great things about his daughter from friends of mine who know her, and I think this is a strong plus for him.

After watching the debate last night, I changed my mind. Edwards acted like a jerk. I feel bad for his daughter. You know he talks to his family like that when it strikes him. My dad and I would have it out. Anyone that could treat a colleague the way that Edwards treated Cheney is not a nice guy. I couldn’t even listen to Edwards well spoken arguments because he spent so much time trying to rub what he was saying in Cheney’s face. Cheney spoke to the camera and the nation, Edwards spoke AT Cheney. I mean, common courtesy is all I ask. I know that I am little idealistic, but I think that regardless of who you are, you need to have some manners. I wanted to think more of Edwards than that. I hate politics.

I met Justice Scalia this summer on my study abroad program. I was introduced to him by the head of the program at the breakfast table. Scalia had finished eating and was sitting around drinking coffee with his wife and the other teachers, enjoying the Aegean Sea. The head of the program stood up and gave me a hug, and introduced me to Scalia. I am standing next to the table. Scalia turns to me and shakes me hand, but does not budge out of his chair. I’m sorry, but I was offended. I was the only person he was being introduced to, it was a private setting, and he wasn’t being harassed. And he was being paid to be there. By me and my friends. I think I can count on one hand the number of times I have been introduced to a man sitting at a table who did not stand up. He should have stood up when I approached the table. But I don’t expect that. All I would expect is that a grown, cultured, intelligent man would have the manners to stand up and meet a young women that is studying his profession. He wouldn’t have even had to stand all the way up, he could have just done that half stand up thing. It would be different if he was in the middle of a eating (even though most men I know would have still stood up), or if he was doing something important, but he wasn’t. Especially for being so conservative, I would have expected him to at least have manners. But as my brother says, maybe I expect too much out of people. Maybe not.