the thin line between optimism and delusion…

My current problem these days is that I don’t like the work that is required in law school. I like law school, and I love the people in law school, but I just can’t do the work. I mean, I can do the work, but when I really and truly try to get all the reading done, one of two things happen. I either spend all day in the library and don’t do anything else with my day, which leads to be me being unhappy and unfulfilled as an individual, or I don’t get all my work done, I get like 80% of my work done and I end up feeling like a failure and any positive energy gained by whatever activity kept me from finishing the work is lost in my unhappiness of being unsuccessful. This has been a very happy week for me and I have been very unproductive. So here is the question, am I lazy? Am I a waste of a human being? I hate that I don’t feel productive, but it seems better than the alternative of being unhappy. Allison says that this probably means that I shouldn’t be in law school. But then she said that she doesn’t really think that. I know I am suppose to be here, I just can’t do the work. Plus, I only perform under pressure, which is difficult in law school because the only real deadline is finals, which is months away. It is difficult because maybe I’m not cut out to be an attorney. Maybe law school is going to be the means to some other end. But I want to be an attorney. There are definitely parts of the lawyering process that make me really happy and excited. But I just get bogged down in other parts of it. The only way I am going to make it through this is if I realize my limitations, and right now, my limitations include not doing things that suck all the happiness out of my life. Is this a terrible way to think? I don’t want to do things halfway, I really am serious about being the best I can be, but at what cost? I guess the question is what does the world need out of me? I don’t know, but it is my present dilemma.

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