the thin line between optimism and delusion…

If I contrast today, with yesterday and Tuesday, today has been terribly unsuccessful.  On Tuesday I went to six hours of class, ran 3 miles, went to the grocery store, cooked dinner, unloaded and reloaded my dishwasher, did two loads of laundry, and watched the television shows I wanted to watch.  Yesterday was mildly less productive, but I was at school from 8:30-6:30, and so I didn’t have time to run, but I did change my sheets on my bed and another load of laundry. 

But let’s talk about the unproductive things I’ve done since 7 pm last night.

#1.  I locked myself out of my house.  While taking the trash out.  Now, I know what you are thinking, that takes a special kind of stupid.  Yes, I recognize this fact.  But, I was talking on the phone, and I wasn’t paying attention, and what do you know, I’m locked out. 

Getting back into my apartment was a bit of a trick, because Ali and Chris have a key, and Cristina has a key, but Cristina was in the ATL, and Chris was in Chattanooga, and Ali was at their house without a car.  My lifesaver in all of this was Katie Jackson, who was sweet enough to come pick me up and take me to Ali’s house and bring me home.  I mean, honestly, Katie has had to drive me around a lot lately, she is a saint. 

One of the worst noises in the world is the click of your house door closing behind you a split second after you realize that the door is locked. 

#2.  I left my pocketbook in class this morning.  While leaving class, I was chatting with Lauren and I said, you know, I feel like I’m leaving something, but I don’t think I am!  And we laughed about how we carry around so much stuff that when we don’t have our arms full we feel like we are forgetting something.  But, turns out, I was actually leaving something.  Something fairly important. 

Once I realized it, the next class had started, and I knew it was a first year class, and when I opened the door, I heard a woman’s voice.  It was in a room where there is a hallway to get to the room, kind of like a movie theater.  I didn’t have any female teachers first year, and the only 1L female teacher I know is very strict and would not appreciate me interrupting her class.  Most of the teachers I know wouldn’t have minded, which is why I would have risked it if it had been a male voice, but since it wasn’t, I didn’t think it was safe.  I even made Christy stick her head in the door and listen to see if she thought it was the scary teacher, but we couldn’t be sure, so I didn’t risk it. 

Instead, Christy bought me lunch and I had to interrupt the next class, because we didn’t make it back in time for the break. 

Of course, all of this is on top of the lost ATM card of a few weeks ago.  I’m telling you, I need a keeper.  Someone needs to look out for me.  Follow me around and pick stuff up that I drop. 

But, the whole point of this post was to tell you that I haven’t done anything productive today, but I have had lots of human interaction with some humans that I like a lot, and I think that makes today more productive than the other two days. 

Actually, I think you need both kinds of day, and I hope that I can keep a balance of the two successful days from now on, and not ever see a day as a waste. 

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(this is me giving myself a pep talk, I like to give pep talks, as those of you who hang out with me can attest to, and sometimes I need a pep talk just as bad as anyone.  If you need a pep talk, come find me). 

Sometimes the day after I drink, I have a really hard time sleeping in the morning.  This is especially true if I have been getting up early in the morning anyway.  And, alcohol being the depressant that it is, has a tendency to make the first few minutes of being awake against my will unpleasant.  Friday morning I thought it would be okay if I just never got out of bed, that I could just sleep for the whole weekend and no one would even notice or care, and besides, I was never going to drink a drop of alcohol ever again anyway.  Granted, these bouts of depression are intensified by my flair for the dramatics, and never last more that a few moments, but they have gotten me thinking. 

Last week, Megan wrote about Sunday Depression.  I think it is important that we all discuss this depression problem because it makes me feel unbalanced and I hate nothing more than feeling unbalanced, but it does make me feel better that it affects a lot of people.  It isn’t all about the alcohol either, the alcohol just intensifies it.  And she quoted me as saying that going to church on Sunday makes me feel better about my Sunday Depression.  The depression really isn’t localized on Sunday, it happens other times too, but as Megan pointed out, the reason it seems so bad on Sunday is because you don’t have anything else to do but sit around and think about anything stupid you might have done, or any little rejection you might have suffered, or any little mistake you made for the entire week.  And, although I do believe that self evaluation is important, wallowing is not healthy. 

Last February I was in Steamboat Springs Colorado visiting friends, and the altitude and alcohol really hit me hard the first night we were there and I ended up going home early because I had overdone it a little, and I think I might have even started a fight with one of my friends that night.  I was "that girl" that night.  Regardless, it is one morning that I remember waking up and feeling terrible.  Not just because I thought my head was going to explode if I didn’t keep my body horizontal, but also because I had acted in a way that made me unhappy, with people that I cared a lot about and didn’t get to see very often, and I was very disappointed in myself. 

But I didn’t have time to sit and dwell on this (dwelling is one of my problems), because I had to suck it up and drink some coffee and face my friends and go skiing.  That day, while on the ski lift, I realized a few things.  I realized that my friends didn’t actually care, and were happy to be on the slopes with me.  I rediscovered how beautiful the earth is, and how great God is to make it so amazingly awesome.  I realized that had I layed around all day I would still feel almost as bad as I did when I woke up, instead of feelings 1000 times better.  And I realized that the past shouldn’t taint the present.  This is something I have a hard time with, not just with myself, but with people in general.  I’m judgmental about how someone’s past should affect them now.  I say things like, "I’d never get over it if I did ______." But I really hope this isn’t true.   

I hope that I’m capable of moving on.  I hope that I can make it through the mistakes of my life.  Because I’m going to make them.  I am very risk averse and I don’t like to make mistakes.  It isn’t that I refuse to be wrong, it isn’t about being wrong.  I don’t like being wrong, but making mistakes is different. 

Back to the fact that going to church makes me feel better on Sundays, it is more than the fact that it gets me out of bed and makes me brush my hair and see my friends.  It is about being given a second chance.  I am reaffirmed every Sunday morning that God is working on me. I know God loves me and Christ loves me, and that I can’t do anything to change that, but I don’t think I live as though I believe that.  I need to be reminded.  Over and over again. 

I was listening to a praise song in the car that said "Come as you are" in part of the chorus.  And I realized that I have a hard time with God’s invitation to come as you are.  I struggle accepting this invitation.  I would like to get my act together on my own a little bit more before I come.  Which is obviously why I get so frustrated, because I think I can do it on my own, and I can’t.  And all that happens is that I feel like I’ve failed because I can’t do it on my own.  Which is so silly, because I’m not suppose to be able to do it by myself.  And going to church on Sunday helps me put things in perspective. 

So here is my new perspective.  I refuse to let my shortcomings and my struggles impede my strengths and prevent me from fully giving of the things I have to offer.  I’m not going to dwell on and/or blow out of proportion the ups and downs of life.  I have also been a bit jaded lately, which is also going to stop now, I’m going to remember that being optimistic and thinking the best of people and situations is the only way I can be happy, even if it means that I am much more likely to get hurt and disappointed in the process. 

Lastly, I am going to learn how to be happy (not that I’m not happy, just kind of restless) here in Athens Georgia right now, I’m here for a reason, and when my reason for being here runs out, I will have a reason to be somewhere else, and it isn’t imperative that I know the location of that somewhere else.  I really do love it here, and I want to soak it all up for as long as possible. 

p.s. I’m going to start taking my adderall again in the right dose, it really does so much for my ability to focus, and going for weeks without ever being able to focus on anything raises my stress level tremendously and wears on me slowly, until I hit a point where I start to be unhappy.  I get such a release from focusing – and I forget how good it feels to focus when I haven’t been taking adderall.  Plus, it will make me cut down on my caffeine consumption.

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