I got back from Colorado late last night. I met Libby in Denver and we spent the week in Steamboat. We went skiing, but the real reason for the trip was to visit friends. Libby and I both worked at The Grand Lake Lodge for a summer, and it was amazing. She and I were not there for the same summer, I was at the Lodge in 2002, and she was there in 2003. Well, there are lodgelings (people who worked at the lodge, obviously) all over the world, but there are lots in Colorado and we had ourselves quite a reunion this weekend. Ruthie, Kathleen, Caroline, Zack, Steve, Andy, Alli, Jarred, Mark, and maybe a few others, my brain isn’t working this morning.
Every time I return from Colorado I have to bounce back. I feel unstable right now, I want stability in my life and going to Colorado does not provide that stability. I love going to Colorado, but it makes me discontented with my real life to a certain degree.
I want to be stable. But what does stability mean? I don’t want to be someone that is unaffected by the world around her, I don’t want to be someone who isn’t capable of being hurt or vulnerable, but at the same time I don’t want the world to be able to throw me into a funk and leave me damaged, dwelling on my mistakes and my shortcomings.
I guess my question is this, Does being stable mean that you are able to get hurt and recover, to bounce back, or does it mean more than that? Because lately I feel like I am able to not think about things that could possibility hurt my feelings, but normally it is because I am able to distract myself with something else. Right now I have enough going on that I am able to not dwell on the things that I would normally dwell on, but I don’t know how healthy relying on distractions can possibly be. I know that it has a lot to do with my age, and where I am in life, etc, etc. I think I would just like to think that I am growing up through these things, that I am learning how to deal with the real world.
This idea is expressed in a timely email from a friend, who describes this problem better than me:
"I feel like life is only about bouncing back, about putting yourself out there (be it by way of a move to a far-away city or with another person) and seeing how you respond when things get bad. It’s like I’m constantly asking myself "How strong am I really?" What kind of things to I NEED for support? How can I keep myself in a state of satisfaction? Why am I finding it so difficult to just BE? And why do I always want to run away?"
Running away is an insanely strong impulse.
the thin line between optimism and delusion... 