I know this is going to come to a shock to everyone, but I think too much.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about rejection and affirmation. Encouragement is such a powerful thing. When Elizabeth and I were on our long run last week, a man on his bike slowed down as he passed and said – "You girls are doing great – keep it up!" and I can honestly say that his words made me feel awesome and made me want to keep doing great.
It reminds me of when I was a sophomore in high school, and I was on the track team. I was running either my warm up laps or my cool down laps, I don’t remember, but I was running by myself. I didn’t really know anyone on either the girls or boys track team, and I was out of my element in a lot of ways. My confidence was very transparent.
I heard footsteps quickly approaching behind me, someone was about to totally speed past my slow running little self. But the runner didn’t blow past me. He slowed up to my speed, and as he ran beside me I saw that it was a senior that I had never talked to – but that was a great track and basketball player – so I knew who he was. He ran with me at my slow pace just long enough to say – "You’re cute – did you know that?" and he sped off around the track and left me rather speechless.
And I don’t know why, but this complement has stayed with me for a very long time. I think part of it was the fact that I was feeling rather unsteady and vulnerable, and I think part of it was that he was older than me, and I was impressed with him as a person and an athlete, and I truly appreciated that he thought there was something noticable about me – at at point when I felt very invisible.
I am sure he never knew how much that little bit of encouragement meant to my 16 year old self. He graduated shortly after that, and ran track for UGA, and I used to run into him in Athens every once in a while.
I tell that story as an example of how I wish I could be all the time. I wish I could treasure up all the wonderful affirmations I receive on a regular basis and treat them all like prized possessions. But I honestly have a hard time remembering the encouragement I receive. I remember the rejections. I dwell on the comments and actions of those who hurt my feelings and who do not care about me. I don’t think this makes me unhealthy or strange, I think most people let negative comments carry much more weight than positive comments. But if you think about the people who make the negative comments and who is making the positive comments – why would you ever take the negative comments seriously? Why would I let some boy that doesn’t know me well hurt my feelings with a careless remark, while at the same time disregarding my best friend telling me how unique, charismatic, and enjoyable I am? What kind of logic is that? I refuse to live like that.
My personal challenge to myself is to cherish the love and affirmation I receive as LEAST as much as I dwell on the negatives and rejections of life. Because I decided this morning that being careless and wasteful with the love of others is the most inexcusable action in the world. I know that rejection is still going to hurt and I’m still going to dwell on it. But if I can focus on all the love that is afforded me, I will have less time to remember my disappointments.
Oh, and let’s be clear about the fact that I live a charmed life and have very few disappointments. I am blessed almost to a fault and I need to be more appreciative of how great I’ve got it. I guess I just need to keep perspective.
Deep thoughts on a monday afternoon. I just want to make sure y’all know I’m still being overly analytical. Kisses.
the thin line between optimism and delusion... 