Archive for March 2nd, 2005

The vending machine is now officially named Lance. For the obvious reasons.

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Deep thoughts

I get a daily inspirational email, it is normally Christian based, but not always, and it ranges from fictional excerpts to famous speeches. I received one the other day about being real and sincere, and I liked it because I have been thinking lately about being lovable and being sincere and being at ease with myself and with others. My whole life I have been trying to get control of my awkward tendencies, and I think I have a better grip on them now that I ever have had before, but at the same time I think something is lost with the loss of nerves and awkwardness. But it is all a mind game. I’ll tell you about my mind game with myself.

Tricks I use to not feel awkward in life.

1. In social situations I assume that everyone in the room is excited to see me and wants to talk to me. Most of the time if people don’t want to talk to you, you never really know it, so you might as well assume that they do want to talk to you. Especially if I don’t know people, if I am nervous about going in somewhere (because I definitely get nervous, paralyzing nervous) – before I go into the room or where ever, I take a deep breath and convince myself that everyone in the room wants to meet me and that everyone is going to like me once they do meet me. Now, as you can see by the title of my blog, I am overly optimistic, and I have an overly active imagination. Having control of my imagination is important, it is important for me to focus on the positive and imagine the best, or my imagination might run away with me in the other direction.

2. I try really hard to not react to the way people respond to me if it is negative. Most people are pretty self absorbed (I know I am), and because of this, people’s actions are much more heavily affected by the things going on in their life than they are by me. So if one of my friends is being abrasive or difficult or mean, it probably isn’t my fault. They probably aren’t mad at me. Of course, this isn’t always true, but with regards to the people in your life who you interact with on a regular basis but aren’t really close to, it is a pretty safe bet.

Sometimes I take this one too far, because I don’t react to much of anything. Especially with boys. Because most of the times when girls react they act crazy. And when I mean crazy, I mean jumping to conclusions, either by assuming a seriousness that isn’t really being implied, or by assuming a personal offense that was not intended. Because boys are stupid.

But overall I think with regards to reacting to people – less is more. It helps me stay in a more stable form emotionally. I’m sure this isn’t always good, but this is what I think today.

In the end I think there is something to be said for not being awkward, but it is also easy to end up being one of those people who are terribly intimidating because they seem to not be affected with the difficulties with which the rest of the world struggles. Maybe this doesn’t make sense.

Okay, I have to go do real work now, because I am going to fail out of school.

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